What about them zombies?

What is it with zombies these days? Why are they so popular? I mean there are all these movies, TV series and books about zombies. I always thought the term “Walking Dead” was a contradiction but I guess I was wrong. Even Brad Pitt has gotten on the bandwagon. Jane Austen, of all people, came out with a new zombie book not too long ago and she’s been dead for almost two hundred years. There is even talk of a new TV series called “The Zombyes”. It will be modeled after the sixties series, “The Munsters”. Should be popular with the walking dead crowd.

We sure don’t want to date or hang out with one. I can understand vampires. They’re very sexy. With those big teeth and all. And they do sparkle. Makes me think of fireworks. Who doesn’t want fireworks in their romantic relationships? But zombies, yuck. Have you ever had to clean up after one? All that dead skin hanging out in your living room. Unlike vampires, they just can’t dance. And you do know that they are really dead cannibals, don’t you?

Course we’ve always had zombies among us but not that many. The Census Bureau reports that there were fewer than five hundred living in the United States until the mid-eighties. Most were employed by the Post Office in its Dead Letter Office. They were good citizens, paid their taxes and showed up on time for work. They even did charity work in their spare time, keeping the cemeteries spick and span. Since they were not a part of the entrepreneurial class, they tended to vote Democrat. Handed Kennedy that landslide in 1960.

Then sometime in the eighties, plastic surgeons reported an increase in “dead lip” syndrome. Women kept dropping lips after only one good night kiss. Plastic surgeons being plastic surgeons and operating on the frontiers of modern medical technology finally came up with a solution. Like all good answers, the answer had been right in front of their faces all the time but it took a medical emergency for them to see it. It was called botox. And who got the blame for this “dead lip”? You guessed it. Zombies.

But it was true. Seems zombies were popping out all over the place. An increase in zombie homelessness. An increase in zombies on the unemployment rolls. Wall Street even had a share. Several showed up on CNBC as analysts.

Why the increase? Some blame it on Reagan and trees polluting the environment. Others blame it on Roswell. Personally I vote for global warming. As the world gets hotter, zombies tend to become fertile and multiply. Haven’t you noticed zombies humming “It’s a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight” in the movies lately? It first cropped up in George Romero’s “Night of the Living Dead”.

All I know is that we are coming into contact with them daily and we just don’t recognize them for who they are. Think about it. Has your boss said to you lately, “Don’t bite my head off”? Or has your latest date called you Honey or Sugar? Or commented, “I could just eat you up”? Have you had a friend say, “Let’s butter him up”? Or has a neighbor invited you over to chew the fat or for some potluck? Maybe you are the potluck. Just be aware. It doesn’t hurt to be cautious. You may be having a close encounter of the zombie kind.

So what are we going to do? Let’s bring back the vampires. They’ll take care of the zombies. You ever see a vampire and a zombie in the same book or movie? Not me. Given a choice I will take a vampire over a zombie any day. Or should I say night. At least, I can get rid of a vampire with some sunlight, a piece of garlic and a cross if I like. And when a vampire bites, they are only taking some of my blood. I will get immortality in return just for the price of a pint. Seems like a fair deal to me. With a zombie, they’ll take off my whole face and still want more. And it’s gonna hurt. They are not going to use anesthesia the way vampires use Novocaine.

To bad Abe Lincoln chased the vampires back to Europe. We sure could use a Vlad or Lestat, Sonja or Selene right about now. We may need all the help we can get. I hear we have a Zombiepocalypse coming our way.


4 thoughts on “What about them zombies?

  1. You are so right.

    Vampires get to be sexy, but zombies are downright terrifying, the living embodiment of death, the ultimate memento mori. They are us, and they are inevitable, a mirror reflecting our basest, most primal fear. Vampires get to live forever relatively unaltered. Zombies are everything you hate about death chasing you around and trying to eat your braaaaiiinnszzzz.

    That being said, I’ll take zombies over vampires any day of the week! 😀 Way more opportunity to show how the real monsters are human (the best feature of the zombiepocalypse, if you ask me). It may be zombies trying to eat you but your fellow man is going to be the one to throw you to them. Terrifying.

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