Remember the twerk seen ’round the world? You know the one I’m talking about. Mylie Cyrus at the VMAs twerking as if her life depended on her twerks. Recently I heard some news. I can’t say where I got it. It wasn’t from Wikileaks and it wasn’t Edward Snowden. But what I have learned is extraordinary.
After Mr. Snowden did his thing and defected, after Julian Asange decided paradise was the Ecuadorian Embassy, the NSA and the CIA put their heads together. They came up with a totally brand new program. It’s called Twerking for Peace and it goes like this.
The folks at the NSA have been studying twerkers around the world for years. They noticed some interesting things about the twerk. There’s your regular everyday kind of twerk. And there’s the supercharged twerk. Thinking maybe they can use the supercharged variety as an offensive weapon, it just might replace the drone everybody’s all upset about.
So the Air Force, with CIA and NSA help, have been developing a guided supercharged twerk over the past couple of years. They finally perfected it. All they needed was an opportunity. And a perfect pair of hips. They looked at Madonna’s. They looked at J Lo’s. (Her hips had lost their bootyliciousness.) They looked at Britney’s. They even had Selena Gomez in for an audition. But none of the hips on those women were up to the standard that would meet the test for a guided supercharged twerk. No, they needed perfect hips. That’s where Mylie Cyrus came in. Of all the hips the agencies studied, Mylie’s was the perfectest.
Now, in case you were wondering why Mylie was a no show on a number of appearances last summer, she was in training. She had to get her bootylicious booty to “shake, wooble and bounce” with precision. It may look easy to twerk that twerk she twerked, but it isn’t. It took a lot of blood, sweat and tears to grind that thang out with the perfectest twerk the way she did that August night.
So what was up with the tongue? That was the receiver for the signal from a faraway terrorist camp in Northern Pakistan. The sender was a special agent who had infiltrated the terrorist cell and left a radio sender in the camp while he got away. Mylie received the radio wave signal with her tongue, the vibration ran through the back of her mouth, down to her bootylicious booty and twerk, twerk, twerk.
There was only one problem. One of the twerks just missed Robin Thicke by inches. You talk about scared. Poor Robin, he just about wet his pants. It was so bad that he threatened to sue the U. S. Government for a billion dollars. Fortunately the gov has settled for an undisclosed sum of money of thirty million bucks.
But there is good news from all that twerking. Mylie killed 100 terrorists that night. Since then, she has set a new record for terrorists killed by twerking. Knowing what fans of MTV al Qaeda members are, they knew they had an extraordinary opportunity with the MTV Europe Awards. On the night of November 11, she twerked in Holland on the awards show. The CIA reports that she took out two hundred and fifty terrorists.
Two hundred and fifty terrorists. Can you imagine what that means? The U. S. will have al Qaeda completely wiped out in a matter of weeks. And who knows. The Taliban may be next. Then it’s just a matter of time before the Iranians give up all their nukes.
The program has been so successful that the Government has asked Selena Gomez to join. She will be out of the public eye for several months. First she has to have plastic surgery done to bootylicious her booty. Then it’s off to twerking school.
Oh, one more thing. Since the government works closely with big business, companies have found a commercial outlet for the program. Aim those twerks at an audience watching television and they won’t be able to resist your product. Pretty soon you will have thirty million new customers for P. P. Soda. So if you begin to see twerking in broadcast advertisements, remember it’s a marketing ploy to get you to love those new jeans when you don’t need a new pair. The only reason the commercials haven’t appeared yet is that the ad agencies haven’t come up with just the right slogans. But don’t worry. Pretty soon you’ll be seeing twerks all over the place with slogans like “this twerk’s for you” and “one good twerk deserves another.”