You know what that means? The retailers have all but forgotten us. It’s January and there are no more of the fun sales. You know the kind of sales that get the adrenalin going, unless you hit a going-out-of-business sale. Those are for the retailers that didn’t make their Christmas numbers.
“Christmas numbers?” you ask. Yes, that’s the projections the Wall Street analysts predicted back in July after consulting their crystal balls. “How can they know in July what to project?” you want to know. The same way the predictors project the Second Coming. They have little antennae in their head that feel the vibrations of the earth’s magnetic field, that’s how. So they get it wrong every now and then.
They know it’s a scam. A Bernie Madoff if you will. What do they care? They get their bonuses. Then, by the time everything goes bust, they are off to Bermuda for the winter. It’s lovely there this time of year. No hurricanes and no snow blizzards.
But all that is another story. The story I want to concentrate on is the sales that just aren’t there. It’s enough to depress a person. From September till Christmas, I am this special person the retailers love. First It’s Back-to-School Sale, then Halloween and its Spooktacular Sale and Thanksgiving and its Buy-this-turkey Sale until the Eight-Days-of-Hanukah-the Twelve-Days-of-Christmas-Black-Friday-Cyber-Monday-Let-Amazon-Beat-This Sale, they wanted me. They wanted me bad. They sent me so much love. It was almost like they were stalking me. I gotta tell you it’s nice to feel loved. I saved a fortune this past year. Sure, I spent a fortune but there was so many bargains. How could I resist?
I mean it’s like being an alcoholic and bingeing on eggnog for the season. I’m talking the good stuff not the virgin eggnog here. Don’t know about you but that is how I had a holly-jolly Christmas and survived the mistletoe. “Oh, the mistletoe?” you ask. That’s where you go to a party and have to kiss all the frogs. You kiss them cause you’re hoping for a princess. The eggnog helps you get through the experience. And all you ladies know about that as well. You know what woke Sleeping Beauty up from that hundred year sleep. Prince Charming had halitosis. That’s bad breath for all you folks who flunked out of medical school the way I did. I couldn’t write prescriptions in the prescribed manner. The pharmacists could read my writing.
Anyway I am having withdrawal symptoms from the lack of sales this month. I’m beginning to feel lonely and forgotten. It’s a veritable limbo this time of year. Do I really have to wait until Superbowl Sunday and Valentine’s Day to feel the love of a good deal? C’mon, retailers, there’s plenty of things to celebrate in January. Sure, I know there’s Martin Luther King Day and it’s not appropriate for sales. It’s a day to remember like Veteran’s Day. And there’s the Presidents’ Day Sale but that is not a real sale. It’s mostly furniture and that’s no fun. I’m talking fun stuff here.
No, we need more than that. We need something supercharged like Easter, Fourth-of-July, Halloween, Christmas and Back-to-School. So I have some suggestions:
January 2: National Hair-of-the Dog Day. More booze could be sold than was sold for New Year’s Eve. What better to celebrate the New Year than with a bottle of scotch to cure the hangover you got from celebrating the New Year?
January 3: The National I-won’t-be-into-work-today-I-can’t-get-over-this-headache Day. On this day, Walmart and Target could sell excuses at a cut rate. Think it would be a winner.
January 3: The National Finally-I-Kicked-My-Kid-Out-of-the-House-He’s-18-and-It’s-Time-For-Him-to-Go Day. This one would be great for the decorations industry. ‘Cause you get to decorate the house the way you want. Again more booze. Actually this could be a whole week of celebration.
Sometime in the middle of January could be The National Talk-Like-a-Southerner Day. It would be much like National Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day. Jeff Foxworthy and Bill Clinton teach everybody the proper way to say y’all, y’all.
On January 31 The National Dance-Like-a-Groundhog Day. Everybody could dress up like their favorite groundhog and dance in the streets. It will be a great way to get ready for Ground Hog’s Day, don’t you think? Walmart and Target will even sell shadows. Pretty soon, there will be Shadow Cookies, Shadow Costumes, Shadow Parties, Shadow Booze. There’s already a song, “Me and My Shadow.”
We top all that off with Superbowl Sunday and we have a month.
These are just some suggestions for things to celebrate and retailers to have sales for. Maybe you have some suggestions to. Put them in the Comment Box and we’ll send them off to Congress for immediate attention.