Last Sunday night was Oscar time. It began with the Red Carpet walk. We saw a lot of dresses that had parts of the dresses missing. I think those designers get paid for how much they leave out of the dresses. One commentator made a very incisive remark about one actress’ gown. “That dress looks like a doily.”
We saw a lot of speeches which went on way too long and said absolutely nothing. The usual. My favorite was the Best Presenter Award. I was really glad to see Jim Carey win that award.
Anyway here are some of the speeches I would have liked to have heard:
Best Picture Producer: Thank God. Now I can make my money back. I will never hire that director again. Everything he touches turns into manure.
Best Director: How would you like to be stuck on an island for two months with the cast and crew I had to work with?
Best Actress: I knew I was marvelous in this film. (Notice. They never call it a movie.) Of course, I am always marvelous. Give me a costume and an accent and I can act circles around the other women up for this award.
Best Actor: Just a second. (He takes out a mirror and checks himself out. He spends a full minute admiring himself. Then he sighs.) I have to admit I am one handsome guy. No wonder I have so many female fans. If I wasn’t me, I would be after me.
Best Supporting Actress: How come I never get nominated for Best Actress? I do all the work. She gets all the credit. The Bitch.
Best Supporting Actor: Finally.
Best Screenplay: (Shaking his fist at a director.): I’m going to kill that s. o. b. of a director for taking my awesome screenplay and dragging it through the dirt.
Best Makeup: Do you know how hard it was to take the ugliest cast ever and make them even uglier?
Best Costume: Can you believe some of the dresses worn tonight? And they are all my creations.
Best Song:This makes up for not winning the Grammy.
Best Editing: Has anybody seen the missing eighteen minutes?
Best Documentary: Smile. You’re on Candid Camera.