Oscar Speeches I Would Like to Hear

Last Sunday night was Oscar time. It began with the Red Carpet walk. We saw a lot of dresses that had parts of the dresses missing. I think those designers get paid for how much they leave out of the dresses. One commentator made a very incisive remark about one actress’ gown. “That dress looks like a doily.”

We saw a lot of speeches which went on way too long and said absolutely nothing. The usual. My favorite was the Best Presenter Award. I was really glad to see Jim Carey win that award.

Anyway here are some of the speeches I would have liked to have heard:

Best Picture Producer: Thank God. Now I can make my money back. I will never hire that director again. Everything he touches turns into manure.

Best Director: How would you like to be stuck on an island for two months with the cast and crew I had to work with?

Best Actress: I knew I was marvelous in this film. (Notice. They never call it a movie.) Of course, I am always marvelous. Give me a costume and an accent and I can act circles around the other women up for this award.

Best Actor: Just a second. (He takes out a mirror and checks himself out. He spends a full minute admiring himself. Then he sighs.) I have to admit I am one handsome guy. No wonder I have so many female fans. If I wasn’t me, I would be after me.

Best Supporting Actress: How come I never get nominated for Best Actress? I do all the work. She gets all the credit. The Bitch.

Best Supporting Actor: Finally.

Best Screenplay: (Shaking his fist at a director.): I’m going to kill that s. o. b. of a director for taking my awesome screenplay and dragging it through the dirt.

Best Makeup: Do you know how hard it was to take the ugliest cast ever and make them even uglier?

Best Costume: Can you believe some of the dresses worn tonight? And they are all my creations.

Best Song:This makes up for not winning the Grammy.

Best Editing: Has anybody seen the missing eighteen minutes?

Best Documentary: Smile. You’re on Candid Camera.

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11 thoughts on “Oscar Speeches I Would Like to Hear

  1. I would like to thank all the little people who made this comment possible.
    First, there is my typist. He did a great job. How about a round of applause?
    Next, there is my stylist. Great font, dontchya think? Another round of applause please?
    Then there are all the writers, editors and comment doctors who put in such long hours and worked so hard to make this all possible.
    And last I would like to thank, Don, who wrote the article upon which this comments was based.
    Many thanks to all, I could not have done it without you. See you all right here next year!!

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