It was Y2K, the year 2000, and Florida couldn’t seem to make up its mind. Would it be Al or would it be George W? In case you don’t remember Al Gore, he’s the one who done invented the internet and global warming. Who would go on to be sheriff or who would end up on Boot Hill? It was a raucous rootin’ tootin’ shoot-out at the OK Coral. Despite we Floridians’ best efforts, Florida couldn’t seem to make up its mind. Until finally…
What does Kennedy and Bush have in common? Kennedy made his brother Attorney General, Bush made his brother President.
In those long ago days of the two-oughts, Paul McCartney even wrote a song about Osama Bin Laden called “Band on the Run”. And speaking of a band on the run, do you know why all those bunkers in Iraq had sh on their doors. That sh did not stand for Sadam Hussein. It stood for “Shhhh. I’m hiding.”
Now in a former life, I was a rapper. My moniker was N. Cognito and I performed a duet with none other than A. Nonymous. Some of our big hits were “Last Bridge Out of New Jersey (Chris Christie’s Lament)”, “Between Iraq and a Hard Place”, “The Ozone Layer of Love”, and “Mission Accomplished”. My most famous title, however, was “Bushwhacked Blues” about the Bush/Gore duel:
My name is Chad and I have a dimple
I tried to vote but it wasn’t that simple
I gave it a punch and tried that twice
The hole wasn’t there so I asked for advice
“Your vote won’t count less you vote with haste”
Was all they said at the voting place
Got me a lawyer, took it to court
If my vote was to count time was short
So I asked a judge in a big black robe
To tell me that I could have some hope
We had us a trial to protest and all
It looked real bad so hard to call
The judge was cool the trial was fast
He said: “Count his vote the one he cast”
But Katherine Harris* would not certify
Any vote with a hole for the Jewish guy
So off we went to Tallahassee
To get our votes for the presidency
Counted the way they’re ‘sposed to count
For Gore was down but he wasn’t out
Till the highest court in all the land
Ruled that W was a big, big man
And Governor Jeb** down in Florida state
Gave his big bro George some help with fate
It was Christmas time so he gave him a gift
Miami-Dade*** and a nice, big fifth
The whole damned state to Bush it went
Soon he would be the new president
He’s Governor of Texas who struts his stuff
Wears a big hat and he’s tough enough
He’s going up to Washington, D. C.
To be the President of you and me
He’ll charm his way from here to there
Saddam**** and Congress had better beware
He’ll sick Dick Cheney on all those folks
If that don’t work, he’ll dash their hopes
So two-thousand-four I’ll take my mallet
To the voting place to punch that ballot
Hit that hammer and chisel me a hole
That’ll have to count cause it’ll be bold
Though Al and Joe***** they’ll be gone
And George W. will have to stand alone
We’ll stand tall and a whole lot more
We’d have been better with President Gore.
*Katherine Harris. Florida’s Secretary of State.
**Governor Jeb. Jeb Bush, Governor of Florida and George W. Bush’s younger brother.
* **Miami-Dade: south Florida county.
****Saddam: Saddam Hussein, dictator of Iraq.
*****Al and Joe. Democratic Presidential candidate Al Gore and Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Senator Joe Lieberman from Connecticut.
Now that is some mighty fine history, don’t you think?