Have I got a diet for you. It’s guaranteed. A real weight loser if ever there was one. There are just two ingredients and it’s not an expensive diet. I am talking the Bread and Water diet. And not just any bread and water. Make sure you get the newly branded Prison Bread and Water. It will be the ones stamped with San Quentin’s Seal of Approval.
If you are one of those who need help sticking to a diet, we have a very special program for you. It’s a new fangled spa called the Joint and this joint ain’t the kind you smoke. To help raise some badly needed cash, the government has agreed to rent out its prisons as spas. Don’t worry about the prisoners. They are all being paroled.
When you arrive there, you’ll be strip searched. It’s for your protection. It’s to make sure that you are not sneaking food in. If you do get it in, you might be attacked by some of the other inmates when they decide they don’t want to stay on diet.
This new prison system of diet farms is guaranteed to cut the recidivism rate on dieting down to 10%. Recidivism? you ask. Yes, that is those people who go back to their old ways. The Joint uses a new psychological re-education program. It’s called the taser. If you even think about going off your diet while in The Joint, you are tasered.
The great thing about this new system is that the program offers something for everyone. There will be four different rates. For the $100 a week rate, you get to share a cell with a fellow inmate. It allows you to motivate each other. For this rate, you get to join your fellow inmates on the Chain Gang. It’s one heck of an exercise program.
For the self-motivated, there is the $200 a week rate. This pays for a cell all by yourself. Also you get to participate in the many in-house work programs, like the laundry, the kitchen or the warden’s office.
And then there is the solitary confinement rate. It is $500 a week. This allows you to spend your time alone and not having to associate with the riff raff. You’ll get your meals served by a gourmet chef whose recipes for Bread and Water are mouth-watering. On top of that, you get to exercise in the yard all by your lonesome.
Finally there is the Death Row program. For $1000, you will have your own special cell on Death Row. You will be visited by a chaplain. You’ll get a last meal of your choice. Then you’ll be led to the electric chair, where a special executioner will zap those pounds right off you. Some previous participates of this program have lost up to 100 pounds in just one setting.
Now I can hear some of you with your doubts. This program will never work. It’s worked for years for the Russians. It is called the Siberian Rejuvenation Program, better known as the Gulag. Remember the word “Gulag” is Russian for weight loss.
So hurry. Be the first one on your block to sign up. Already we have over 1000 enrollees scheduled to begin the program the first of next month. The program can only accommodate one and a half million inmates.