When Sgt. Friday said, “Just the facts,” he wasn’t talking to an historian. It is well known that, for historians, most history is supposition and innuendo. They haven’t even decided if the Shroud of Turin is the Shroud of Turin. So you can imagine how hard other stuff is. Like who killed Kennedy, much less King Tut.
Or should I say, Queen Tut. For years, it was thought that she was an underage male. Just look how sickly he was. Recently Egyptologists invited a forensic detective in to do a complete autopsy on the mummified corpse. Lo and behold, they found that the boy pharaoh was really a pharaohess and she was five months pregs. They still haven’t determined who the father of the child was. There are a number of suspect, most named Rameses with a Seti or two thrown in for good luck. One even believes it was Moses who done the deed. It is only gossip among those in the know. I am not here to spread rumors. I am simply stating that there are those. Who am I to challenge an expert. Guess the National Enquirer of the Two Lands had a field day with that one.
Another mystery has been recently solved. Why did Guinevere run off with Lancelot and screw things up in Camelot? I mean, from all the photographs we have of him, her husband, King Arthur, was a tall, handsome dude. Add to that, he had a magical sword. It was called Excalibur. It was not likely that he needed to take viagra. You can see that Gwen was more than likely a happy camper at Camelot, Arthur being Arthur the manly man he was. And there is a pretty good case to be stated that he was a very virile dude too. Morgaine Le Fay may have had her complaints but it was not in the virility department. They had enjoyed each other’s company, tripping the olde light fantastic so to speak. No wonder the OED coined a phrase for what they did. Rumpus dilecti.
So if it wasn’t Arthur, what was it that pushed Humpty Dumpty off the wall and broke Camelot into a thousand pieces? Recently two new bits of evidence have appeared to bring insight to the issue. A shepherd in the hills of France was looking for a sheep one day. He never found the sheep but he did find a cave. In the cave was a lost chapter of “Le Morte d’Arthur”. When they translated the chapter from its Latin text, an interesting tidbit came to light.
Seems Gwen often had a case of the boredoms. After all, what was there to do in the olden days of the Knights of the Round Table? There was no TV. No video games. No movies. No internet. There wasn’t even any books. And, if there had been, Gwen couldn’t read anyway. She never got passed the fourth grade. So, for fun, she had a two way glass installed in the knights’ showers. The knight’s side was a mirror. Gwen’s side was a window, so she could take a little peepsee when the fellas washed down after an especially sweaty tournament joust.
Arthur didn’t mind Gwen’s little diversion. It seemed to help her with her fortnight foreplay. So what the hey, he thought. Little did he know how much trouble that “what the hey” would get him into. The first time she saw Lancelot in the shower she went hog wild.
At first historians questioned the translation. Then archaeologists found old Lance’s corpse underneath a moat. It was confirmed that Lance had a very large…how shall I say it? Sword.
It’s nice to know that historians are on the case and after just the facts. For that, we can all be thankful.