Something for Monday: My Santa Claus Kit

So now it’s Christmas Eve I must admit

It’s time to pull out my old Santa Claus Kit

Done it a thousand times, still it’s a hit

It must be done for it’s in the holy writ

First the bourbon to get delightfully lit

Then I stumble on down to the basement

And search under all the whatchamacallits

Till I am completely at the end of my wits.

After lots and lots of starts and fits

I am not about to call it quits

Till up it pops from where it sits

My one and only Santa Claus Kit.

My red suit is in it, so are my white mits

To keep my hands warm for the night’s trip

My boots black as coal and other condiments

Even some meds for my one true zit.

The night is ready, a sleigh to equip

Up on the roof I make for it

In my sweater Mrs. Claus did knit

It’s so snug it’s a just right fit

On the third floor I stop to try and get

The eight reindeer from where they sit

They care about Christmas not one whit

They want a raise or they say that’s about it.

Even Rudolph, he’s such a snit

He has a red nose, he thinks he’s really It

I go to pull them after me till I get bit

“Ouch,” I cry, then, “I’m ’bout out of my wits.”

“We’ll not go with you,” the reindeer spit

I’m ‘bout to sober up, I need another hit

Of the bourbon so I can get some grit.

I take a swig and it does the trick

I throw my rope ‘round the reindeer neck

Before they know what happened lickety split

They’re ready to have a go at it

Up on the roof. To the sleigh they’re hitched

Then it’s over to the elf’s closet

Where I grab my bag and I toss it

Into the sleigh it makes something of a dent

Then I jump into the seat and sit

I raise the reins and ready for the ascent

One last shot of bourbon and I am bent

For the heavens and the stars that are lit

To guide my ‘round the world event

The seat is hard in the place I have to sit

Tomorrow my behind will have one big dent

For there’s no cushion in my Santa Claus Kit

Next year I’ll ask Santa, a pillow I shall get.

10 thoughts on “Something for Monday: My Santa Claus Kit

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