As y’all know, last week was Bible week. So much so that I saw the new Exodus movie along with “The Ten Commandments” and “Ben Hur” this past week.
I got to tell you “Ben Hur” is one heck of a sports movie. There’s javelin throwing. There’s rowing competition. There’s archery and catapulting fire from one ship to another. There’s chariot racing. Since it was the Romans that invented the Olympics, it was only right to feature these Olympic sporting events, performed by some Olympic style egos.
On top of all that, there’s Charlton Heston face. It has two emotions. Chuck Serious and Chuck Light. I mean that guy knew how to act. It near puts away Kirk Douglas’s Spartacus face, but not quite. It did give Burt Lancaster’s Elmer Gantry face some competition. It was almost like Chuck had played those roles too. Nobody could out-hero Chuck’s hero. Just check out his El Cid.
His was such a face that it just about makes you want to believe Chuck was playing God, not Moses, in “The Ten Commandment”. He sure sounded like God. How Chuck got that face to do that I will never know. Anyway Chuck sure knew a lot about God. He kept meeting him in all those movies.
In “The Agony and the Ecstasy”, he met the Pope. That was like meeting God back in the olden days. And he got to paint God’s hand. So you can pretty well assume Chuck had met God and shook the Big Guy’s Hand. He was so good at the God gig that he got promoted to Cardinal as in Cardinal Richelieu. He even did a series on the Bible as if he wrote the Good Book himself. Of course, we know he didn’t. God did that. But the way Chuck did the series, it was just like God talking to you.
So, when the NRA was looking around for someone who could speak with a voice of authority, they got Chuck. You just knew that God had given us an Eleventh Commandment when Chuck said, “Thou shalt not take away my gun.”
Now, that Chuck ain’t around no more, Hollywood done gone and done it. They’re talking remake of “Ben Hur”. I mean who they going to get to drive a chariot with the kind of chariot driving finese Chuck had. Look at the remake of “The Ten Commandments”. I am sorry but Christian Bale just ain’t Chuck Mo. And the guy who played Rameses, for sure, ain’t Yul Brynner, the best pharaoh ever.
Here is just a couple of lines of dialogue from the remake, “Exodus: Gods and Kings”:
Pharaoh to Mo: Hey, Dude, I told you not to save my life.
Mo: Yo, Ram, what you gonna do about it? Exile me. Not while I’m kissing yo’ daddy’s rump you ain’t.
With dialogue like that, it is enough to alienate the fans of “Alien” and turn them into “Transformer” fans.
So with that kind of dialogue, I imagine this will be a scene from the new, and improved of course, “Ben Hur”:
Benny: Hey, man, I did not throw that rock from the top of my house. It was David.
Benny: Yeah, he was chasing some guy named Goliath off my property.
Messala: Well, you’re under arrest anyway.
Benny: You still mad cause I wouldn’t let you date my sister?
See what I mean.
Hollywood has already screwed up the Noah story. How Russell Crowe spoke those lines without laughing I will never know. Guess, if they paid me the big bucks Russ got, I would say any darn thing they wanted me too. Then Hollywood went and CGIed the heck out of the Moses story. Only that Red Sea parting ain’t even close to the real thing. Old Cecil B. was at the parting of the Red Sea himself. If anybody could put on a parting, it was Cecil B.
Now we are going to get a chariot race that really isn’t a chariot race. It will be the Roman equivalent of the Daytona 500. Only thing, that is not chariot racing. Chuck knew that.