Xtra! Xtra! Xtra! Read all about it!

This is the short and the long of it. The Merry Wive s of Windsor. Act 2, Scene 2.



My, my, readers, we do love a good romance, don’t we? What is more romantic than a romance of the royals? Of course, I’m talking about the whirlwind courtship of our fresh off the shelf new King Claudius and his fabulous Queen Gertrude.

The former Mrs. Hamlet Senior first noticed her Prince Charming at the funeral of her hubby, King Hamlet Senior. He is none other than Prince Claudius, the former king’s young brother. He saw her. She saw him. Love turned their heads almost as fast as that demon turned Regan’s head in “The Exorcist”. Seems it was what the doctor ordered to cure both their griefs over the sudden death of her husband. Love at first sight.

After a two week whirlwind romance, the two lovebirds were wed at the social event of the season. The wedding was a knock-down-drag-out affair. The queen had that new queen kind of dress on. You know the kind I’m talking about. Dark blue with a gold trim. It was designed by the designer to the stars, Royal Prince Eggbert. Any woman would look good in a Bertie. But the queen looked absolutely scrumptious. She had a smile on her that could launch a thousand ships.

Prince Charming was all dressed in his best Sir Lancelot. He was the handsomest thing you ever did see. He was so good looking that most of the women swooned, even his fair bride.

At the reception, the honored couple and their guests partied like it was 1599. Then it was off to a honeymoon in the Swiss Alps. “Skiing was fab,” Claudius reported.

We’re all so tickled pink and pleased as punch to say the happy couple have returned. They are taking up residence at Castle Elsinore. The word on the street is that there will be a party to end all parties to welcome the Royals back.


Home boy and all around good guy, Claudius, is the new king. His election was a rout. Led by the very resourceful Lord Chancellor of the Reign Polonius, Team Claudius gave it the old one-two punch and took out any opposition. They won the election for the new king with the campaign, “A vote for Claudius is a vote for Claudius. Claudius won’t screw things up.”

“Gee,” Claudius was quoted as saying. “I had no idea I was so popular. I just thank God that he gave me a lovely bride in Gertrude and a wonderful son in Hamlet. What more could a king ask for?”

So let’s hear it for the new King. Long live King Claudius.


Let’s talk furniture. You know that stuff you rest your tushie on. Have you seen what Queen G. has done with the royal digs at Elsinore?

Gertrude saw that Casa Elsinore needed a complete makeover. The old stuff just would not do. I mean it went well with Hamlet Senior’s personality. You know brute 15th century. That medieval look and armor everywhere.

Now we have very modern royals. Gertrude did a Jackie Kennedy and gave the castle something sophisticated and elegant, something softer and modern that would go with her new hubby, Claudius. King Claudius loves the decor she chose. Especially since the queen got it on the cheap.

After the complete do-over, the Queen said, “I couldn’t be more happy with the décor. I was able to go with Scandinavian Modern. And I didn’t have to go running all over Europe to get what I wanted. It was in my own back yard. I got to tell you, the folks at Ikea at just with it.” There you have it from the Queen’s own mouth.


Di and Carmilla got their Chuck. Kate got her Wills. Now it’s your turn, ladies. There’s a new prince in town.

Of course, I am talking about young Prince Hamlet, heir to the throne of the Danes. All that aristocracy, and he’s a real hottie too. Dark red hair and the bluest eyes you ever did want to see. He’s got much to commend him.

He’s smart as a tack. At Wittenberg U, he has a 4.0 gpa. Very athletic as well. He qualified for the Wittenberg Olympic Fencing Team. He’ll join another hometown boy, Horatio, on the team.

Hamlet is a pretty progressive guy. Everybody says so. Why he’d even led the Wittenburg Debating Team when they’d argued the thesis: “Ninety-five theses. Why not ninety-six? ” Of course, he was one of the first to put his John Hancock on the Ninety-five Theses after Martin Luther.

He joined the LGBT Alliance at Wittenburg U. He sat in as a protest against the Hundred Years War. (Hell, no. We won’t go.”)

Rumor has it that this handsome gadabout town, Prince Hamlet, will be around a while. So, ladies, get in line. You might have a chance at princesshood if you’re a very modern Scandinavian girl. Gossip says that he really likes the lasses from the common folk. No snobbery for this royal.


A big congratulations goes out to our little Miss Ophelia. She has won the big one. She is the new Miss Denmark, getting high points for the swim suit contest. On top of that, she took away Miss Congeniality.

For her talent, she sang ” To-morrow is Saint Valentine’s Day” a la Kate Bush. The judges were very impressed that it was Ophelia’s own composition.

Her big moment was her answer to the question the master of ceremonies asked her, “If you had any wish, what would it be?” Her answer, “I would wish for world peace. I can’t understand why we all can’t be friends the way Miss Esbjerg and I are besties.”

Everybody in the audience knew right then and there Ophelia de Polonius had the crown all sewn up.


Rumors of war and rumors of rumors of war have been cropping up lately. Norway is on the war path again. Old Fortinbras got whipped by Daddy Hamlet. Now young Fortinbras seems to want a whipping too.

Our new king, King Claudius, assures us that, if need be, he’ll take care the Norwegians out the way his brother, Daddy Hamlet, did. “Have no fear. Claudius is here.”

He is sending his two best negotiators, Cornelius and Voltimand, They will let the old King Norway know that two and two equals four, not five.

So let us be thankful we have such a wonderful leader in our new king. God save the king.

5 thoughts on “Xtra! Xtra! Xtra! Read all about it!

  1. How clever to write this in the guise of a gossip column. I wish I’d thought of the ploy first. It seems you could have fun with it on a variety of topics. Once again, Don, laugh-aloud funny. Each night I pray the Hamlet series will never end.

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