Famous Literary Products

There is some concern that Americans just don’t read enough. As a way to encourage reading, major companies are coming out with a line of products, featuring literary characters and other literary vehicles. Here is some of the upcoming products:
1. Jeeves-and-Wooster Stiff Upper Lip Gloss.
2. Jabberwocky Translators: We translate your gobblelygook into their gobblelygook.
3. Mary Poppins’ Silverware: To make the medicine go down.
4. Macbeth’s Kilts: (With and without) to bring out the ambition in your man.
5. Hercule Pierogies: You haven’t tasted a pierogi until you’ve tasted Hercule’s.
6. Achilles’ Heels: socks that won’t separate during laundry. So no use to wonder what happened to that lost sock.
7. Dorian Gray Mirrors: Now forever isn’t just a word.
8. Daisy Buchanan Diapers: Once your child starts using these, their poop won’t smell.
9. Dark and Stormy Bras: The pushup bra that keeps on pushing when all other bras give out.
10. Holden Caulfield Skateboards: We show you what a smartass you can be, riding our boards.
11. Frank ‘N’ Steiners (Odor Eaters): Your stink don’t have to be monstrous.
12. Captain Ahab-o-mobile: Let’s you own the road.
13. Ebenezer Scrooge Investments: We squeeze every dollar we can out of your investments.
14. Dracula Dental Repair: Get your bite back.
15. Oliver Twisteds; The pretzel that will leave you begging for more.
16. Charlie Brown Noses: We train the professionals.
17. Sherlock Homes: You won’t need a Doctor Watson for your retirement here.
18. Hannibal Lector’s: The finest liver products anywhere.
19. Gatzby Underpants: Guys, you will be the cat’s pajamas in the bedroom.
20. Madame Bovary Scotch: The drink that will bring out the adulteress in you.
21. Rhett Butlers: The best erectile dysfunction treatment on the market.
22. Portnoy’s Non-Complaints: The condoms that never fail.

Xtra! Xtra! Xtra! Read all about it!

This is the short and the long of it. The Merry Wive s of Windsor. Act 2, Scene 2.

For Hamlet’s plot till now, see Hamlet So Far.

THE ELSINORE TOWN CRYER

HONEYMOONERS RETURN

My, my, readers, we do love a good romance, don’t we? What is more romantic than a romance of the royals? Of course, I’m talking about the whirlwind courtship of our fresh off the shelf new King Claudius and his fabulous Queen Gertrude.

The former Mrs. Hamlet Senior first noticed her Prince Charming at the funeral of her hubby, King Hamlet Senior. He is none other than Prince Claudius, the former king’s young brother. He saw her. She saw him. Love turned their heads almost as fast as that demon turned Regan’s head in “The Exorcist”. Seems it was what the doctor ordered to cure both their griefs over the sudden death of her husband. Love at first sight.

After a two week whirlwind romance, the two lovebirds were wed at the social event of the season. The wedding was a knock-down-drag-out affair. The queen had that new queen kind of dress on. You know the kind I’m talking about. Dark blue with a gold trim. It was designed by the designer to the stars, Royal Prince Eggbert. Any woman would look good in a Bertie. But the queen looked absolutely scrumptious. She had a smile on her that could launch a thousand ships.

Prince Charming was all dressed in his best Sir Lancelot. He was the handsomest thing you ever did see. He was so good looking that most of the women swooned, even his fair bride.

At the reception, the honored couple and their guests partied like it was 1599. Then it was off to a honeymoon in the Swiss Alps. “Skiing was fab,” Claudius reported.

We’re all so tickled pink and pleased as punch to say the happy couple have returned. They are taking up residence at Castle Elsinore. The word on the street is that there will be a party to end all parties to welcome the Royals back.

NEW KING ELECTED

Home boy and all around good guy, Claudius, is the new king. His election was a rout. Led by the very resourceful Lord Chancellor of the Reign Polonius, Team Claudius gave it the old one-two punch and took out any opposition. They won the election for the new king with the campaign, “A vote for Claudius is a vote for Claudius. Claudius won’t screw things up.”

“Gee,” Claudius was quoted as saying. “I had no idea I was so popular. I just thank God that he gave me a lovely bride in Gertrude and a wonderful son in Hamlet. What more could a king ask for?”

So let’s hear it for the new King. Long live King Claudius.

QUEEN GERTRUDE IKEA STYLE

Let’s talk furniture. You know that stuff you rest your tushie on. Have you seen what Queen G. has done with the royal digs at Elsinore?

Gertrude saw that Casa Elsinore needed a complete makeover. The old stuff just would not do. I mean it went well with Hamlet Senior’s personality. You know brute 15th century. That medieval look and armor everywhere.

Now we have very modern royals. Gertrude did a Jackie Kennedy and gave the castle something sophisticated and elegant, something softer and modern that would go with her new hubby, Claudius. King Claudius loves the decor she chose. Especially since the queen got it on the cheap.

After the complete do-over, the Queen said, “I couldn’t be more happy with the décor. I was able to go with Scandinavian Modern. And I didn’t have to go running all over Europe to get what I wanted. It was in my own back yard. I got to tell you, the folks at Ikea at just with it.” There you have it from the Queen’s own mouth.

THE GOLDEN BOY RETURNS

Di and Carmilla got their Chuck. Kate got her Wills. Now it’s your turn, ladies. There’s a new prince in town.

Of course, I am talking about young Prince Hamlet, heir to the throne of the Danes. All that aristocracy, and he’s a real hottie too. Dark red hair and the bluest eyes you ever did want to see. He’s got much to commend him.

He’s smart as a tack. At Wittenberg U, he has a 4.0 gpa. Very athletic as well. He qualified for the Wittenberg Olympic Fencing Team. He’ll join another hometown boy, Horatio, on the team.

Hamlet is a pretty progressive guy. Everybody says so. Why he’d even led the Wittenburg Debating Team when they’d argued the thesis: “Ninety-five theses. Why not ninety-six? ” Of course, he was one of the first to put his John Hancock on the Ninety-five Theses after Martin Luther.

He joined the LGBT Alliance at Wittenburg U. He sat in as a protest against the Hundred Years War. (Hell, no. We won’t go.”)

Rumor has it that this handsome gadabout town, Prince Hamlet, will be around a while. So, ladies, get in line. You might have a chance at princesshood if you’re a very modern Scandinavian girl. Gossip says that he really likes the lasses from the common folk. No snobbery for this royal.

OPHELIA de POLONIUS WINS MISS DENMARK

A big congratulations goes out to our little Miss Ophelia. She has won the big one. She is the new Miss Denmark, getting high points for the swim suit contest. On top of that, she took away Miss Congeniality.

For her talent, she sang ” To-morrow is Saint Valentine’s Day” a la Kate Bush. The judges were very impressed that it was Ophelia’s own composition.

Her big moment was her answer to the question the master of ceremonies asked her, “If you had any wish, what would it be?” Her answer, “I would wish for world peace. I can’t understand why we all can’t be friends the way Miss Esbjerg and I are besties.”

Everybody in the audience knew right then and there Ophelia de Polonius had the crown all sewn up.

WAR MAY BE COMING

Rumors of war and rumors of rumors of war have been cropping up lately. Norway is on the war path again. Old Fortinbras got whipped by Daddy Hamlet. Now young Fortinbras seems to want a whipping too.

Our new king, King Claudius, assures us that, if need be, he’ll take care the Norwegians out the way his brother, Daddy Hamlet, did. “Have no fear. Claudius is here.”

He is sending his two best negotiators, Cornelius and Voltimand, They will let the old King Norway know that two and two equals four, not five.

So let us be thankful we have such a wonderful leader in our new king. God save the king.

Monday’s Food for Thought: Hollywood is at it again

Video for this post: 10 Things I Hate About Commandments

As y’all know, last week was Bible week. So much so that I saw the new Exodus movie along with “The Ten Commandments” and “Ben Hur” this past week.

I got to tell you “Ben Hur” is one heck of a sports movie. There’s javelin throwing. There’s rowing competition. There’s archery and catapulting fire from one ship to another. There’s chariot racing. Since it was the Romans that invented the Olympics, it was only right to feature these Olympic sporting events, performed by some Olympic style egos.

On top of all that, there’s Charlton Heston face. It has two emotions. Chuck Serious and Chuck Light. I mean that guy knew how to act. It near puts away Kirk Douglas’s Spartacus face, but not quite. It did give Burt Lancaster’s Elmer Gantry face some competition. It was almost like Chuck had played those roles too. Nobody could out-hero Chuck’s hero. Just check out his El Cid.

His was such a face that it just about makes you want to believe Chuck was playing God, not Moses, in “The Ten Commandment”. He sure sounded like God. How Chuck got that face to do that I will never know. Anyway Chuck sure knew a lot about God. He kept meeting him in all those movies.

In “The Agony and the Ecstasy”, he met the Pope. That was like meeting God back in the olden days. And he got to paint God’s hand. So you can pretty well assume Chuck had met God and shook the Big Guy’s Hand. He was so good at the God gig that he got promoted to Cardinal as in Cardinal Richelieu. He even did a series on the Bible as if he wrote the Good Book himself. Of course, we know he didn’t. God did that. But the way Chuck did the series, it was just like God talking to you.

So, when the NRA was looking around for someone who could speak with a voice of authority, they got Chuck. You just knew that God had given us an Eleventh Commandment when Chuck said, “Thou shalt not take away my gun.”

Now, that Chuck ain’t around no more, Hollywood done gone and done it. They’re talking remake of “Ben Hur”. I mean who they going to get to drive a chariot with the kind of chariot driving finese Chuck had. Look at the remake of “The Ten Commandments”. I am sorry but Christian Bale just ain’t Chuck Mo. And the guy who played Rameses, for sure, ain’t Yul Brynner, the best pharaoh ever.

Here is just a couple of lines of dialogue from the remake, “Exodus: Gods and Kings”:

Pharaoh to Mo: Hey, Dude, I told you not to save my life.
Mo: Yo, Ram, what you gonna do about it? Exile me. Not while I’m kissing yo’ daddy’s rump you ain’t.

With dialogue like that, it is enough to alienate the fans of “Alien” and turn them into “Transformer” fans.

So with that kind of dialogue, I imagine this will be a scene from the new, and improved of course, “Ben Hur”:
Benny: Hey, man, I did not throw that rock from the top of my house. It was David.
Messala: David?
Benny: Yeah, he was chasing some guy named Goliath off my property.
Messala: Well, you’re under arrest anyway.
Benny: You still mad cause I wouldn’t let you date my sister?
See what I mean.

Hollywood has already screwed up the Noah story. How Russell Crowe spoke those lines without laughing I will never know. Guess, if they paid me the big bucks Russ got, I would say any darn thing they wanted me too. Then Hollywood went and CGIed the heck out of the Moses story. Only that Red Sea parting ain’t even close to the real thing. Old Cecil B. was at the parting of the Red Sea himself. If anybody could put on a parting, it was Cecil B.

Now we are going to get a chariot race that really isn’t a chariot race. It will be the Roman equivalent of the Daytona 500. Only thing, that is not chariot racing. Chuck knew that.

Passover For Dummies

An absolutely great explanation for Passover.

Glorious Results Of A Misspent Youth

The Pharaoh came from Egypt and said,
“Have you heard the news?
Holy freakin’ crap- We’re being
over run by Jews!
There’s gotta be a better way,
Something must be done!
I know what we’re gonna do!
We’ll kill their first born sons!”

I guess their plan would have worked,
But Jesus, Mary, Joseph!
A badass Jewish son was born,
His mother named him Moses.
She sent him down the river so,
That she could save his life,
Unfortunately he was found
By the Pharaoh’s wife.

I guess he looked Goyish enough,
Or no one looked too hard,
But they got tipped off when he,
Killed an Egyptian guard.
Then Moses said “Oh no, some heavy
Shit be goin’ down,
I better go and take my ass, and
Run it out of town!”

Perhaps he drank bad cactus juice,
Or his brain turned to mush,
When he saw God talk to him…

View original post 274 more words

“Hamlet” and One More Thing

Foul deeds will rise, though all the earth o’erwhelm them, to men’s eyes. Hamlet 1. 2.

For Hamlet’s plot up till now, see Hamlet So Far.

Act 1. Scene 1 (Continued). Let us not call Horatio, Marcellus and Barnardo cowards. All three were brave veterans of Daddy Hamlet’s wars against Norway. They had seen some bad ass stuff that would scare most mortal men. War is like that.

If you had seen the Thing they saw that night, you would have been terrified. The Thing was no run-of-the-mill ghost. It was a different matter. It was supernatural. It might even have been the Devil. The Big D himself. There’d been stories of Lucifer showing up like a wedding crasher, coming around as a familiar just to raise a ruckus.

Needless to say, the three were scared. Shaking-in-their-boots scared and glad the Thing was gone and hoping it wouldn’t come back though they pretty well guessed it would. At least, not on a night like this. Let It pick a night when the moon and the stars were out and the sky wasn’t covered in darkness.

Horatio couldn’t believe his eyes. He couldn’t believe his ears. In all his twenty-two years on Planet Earth, Horatio had never ever seen anything like Thing.

He was the first to speak. “Did you see what I saw? Did you hear what I heard?”

Marcellus wondered, “It sure looked like Hamlet’s dad.” Hamlet is the dead king’s only son and heir to the throne once the new king, his uncle Claudius, is dead.

“Or at least it wore the old king’s armor,” Horatio said.

“Maybe he stole the armor,” Barnabas said.

“Not a chance,” Horatio said. “Ain’t no way that the old king would let go of that armor. I remember that armor from my squiring days with the king. Not all the hounds in all the hells of the nine circles of hell could get that armor away from him.”

Marcellus rubbed his hands to keep warm. “I really can’t blame the Thing for wearing the armor. Otherwise he’d be out there in his altogethers freezing his ass off.”

“I’m not sure what this means,” Horatio said, his teeth chattering from the ice cold coming off the sea, “but it sure feels like it’s a bad, bad thing. Could it be that it wasn’t a Thing but an omen?”

“Omen?” Marcellus and Barnabas asked.

Horatio continued, “Yes, an omen of terrible, terrible things ’bout to be. Just like the omens Shakespeare put in his play, ‘Julius Caesar’ ‘fore J. C. got the dagger.”

“We got a war a-coming” Marcellus said. “There’s ships getting built. Cannon readied. Soldiers training.”

Horatio agreed. “Norway has been cruising for a bruisin’ since the king’s death. He’s testing the new king’s resolve.”

Since the young Fortinbras is the head dude in Norway, the characters often refer to him as Norway. Folks did that in the olden days.

“He’s really smelling up the situation,” Barnardo said. Fortinbras means “strong underarms” so it was very appropriate for Marcellus to say this. In those days, a bath wasn’t needed to be a strong leader. His feet probably stank too. Fortinbras’ smell wasn’t nothing. Folks in Scotland could smell Macbeth miles away.

“His daddy got clobbered,” Horatio went on. “Now he’s coming back for more. He’s gonna get it too. We’re going to whop up on him good this time.”

“Just like Norway,” Marcellus said. “Those Norwegians are so Norwegian.”

They had relaxed, thinking it was safe to hang out. The Thing made a reappearance. Not willing to settle for one shakedown, Thing came back for the Big Boo.

This time Horatio wasn’t sitting still. He yelled out at the Big Boo-sky, “What you want?”

Boo was not talking. Maybe It couldn’t and maybe It could. It wasn’t.

“C’mon guy. Has the cat got your tongue?” Horatio shouted out.

Horatio was thinking. Here we go again. Just like college when nobody would talk to me. This Thing shutting me out. Not a word. All cause I am not aristocracy. Only Ham would speak to me.

The rooster did his cock-a-doodle-doo. Then The Thing was gone. The apparition had left the room. It slipped out into the fog and the sea. The night too slipped out to sea and the sun was pretty near up in the east.

Barnabas was the first to speak. “Did you guys notice how wet the Ghost was? It could have easily passed for Swamp Thing with a helmet and armor.”

“One thing is for sure,” Marcellus said. “We have a war coming. I saw it in the Thing’s eyes.”

Horatio pointed toward the sun, arising over the horizon and painting the sky red. “Look. The red glow of morning. Our watch is now over. Let’s go to young Hamlet. Perhaps the Thing will speak to him.”

Marcellus and Barnardo shook their heads in agreement. And off to find Hamlet, Prince of the City, they went. They were glad to be rid of the Thing.

But the shiver from The Thing, the moan lingered in the three men’s bones. So much so that, on dark, cold nights, their bodies would remind them. The shutter would course through their veins like a river.

So where does this leave us? This Opening Scene is a summary of the whole play. From the first words of “Who’s there” until the final “it’s up to Hamlet”. Hamlet, and only Hamlet.