Hamlet and the news in the Elsinore Town Crier

He was a man, take him for all in all.
I shall not look upon his like again. Hamlet Act 1. Scene 2.

Act 1 Scene 4 and a half.

As far as Obits go,this was a good one.

Hamlet VII, better known to his subjects as Big Daddy, died after thirty years of rule over Denmark. He was six foot seven if he was a day. His like will not be seen again. (Thank God.)

Sure our taxes were high under his reign, but we can be proud of his accomplishments. With his flaming red hair blowing in the wind, he rode Stanyon, his large black stallion, into battle after battle, carrying his great broadsword, Flingermeyer. He defeated the Swedes, the Poles, the Rus and just about anybody else that wanted to give we Danes a hard time. (He was a non-discriminator when it came to picking a fight. Somebody just glared at him the wrong way. Before you knew it, Big Daddy was in that country, chasing the guy down. Next thing you know it was whoopee with lots of raping, looting and plundering. He was big on the raping, looting and plundering gig.)

Succeeding his father, Old Smutmouth I, he changed his kingdom from a vassal state, kowtowing to everybody else, to a power broker. Even the Germans took him seriously. ‘Cause he left them shaking in their boots. (And our taxes went up. But we won’t mention that.)

He had just returned from teaching the Norwegians a lesson. He had whopped off the head of their king, Fortinbras I. (Ugly business, that whopping off heads. It’s a rough job but somebody has to do it. And, oh yeah, our taxes went up. Like I said, we won’t mention that.)

Lying out in his beloved garden, a poisonous snake sneaked up and bit the king in the tuckus. Our good warrior did not suffer long. (Unlike those he gave a whopping to.) He was dead within seconds after the bite.

Hamlet VII leaves behind his beloved wife, Gertrude, his son Prince Hamlet and his brother and successor, Claudius. (And an almost completed statue in Center Court at Elsinore Castle. Our taxes went up to pay for that too. But, like I say, well, you know. It’s the q.t. on the taxes.)

Found on Craig’s List
For sale:

One broad sword, extremely sharp. Very good for chopping off heads. Used extensively in three campaigns.

Shield. It has a painting of that clown Yorick on it. That’s why the previous user didn’t have any trouble defeating everybody. They fell on the ground laughing when they saw the painting.

Armor. It’s a bit rusty. The leggings do stick a bit, but if you are on your horse, it won’t matter. Previous users: Hamlet VII, the conqueror of all things Fortinbras. With a bit of WD40, you’re going to be up for your next campaign. And it’s bound to be a winner with the ladies at your next joust.

Spurs. Nice and shiny. Made by Brokkr who learned everything he knows from Vulcan.

Saddle. Roy Rogers and Gene Autry and Richard the Lion-heart would be proud of this saddle.

For more information, contact Gertrude de Claudius née Hamlet at Castle Elsinore.

4 thoughts on “Hamlet and the news in the Elsinore Town Crier

Join the Fun and Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.