Cat Time

Around my house, there are two kinds of time. Regular Time reserved for such trivialities as getting to work, watching the news, going to church, eating dinner, sunrise and sunset. Stuff like that.

The second kind is Cat Time. For those who are owned by a cat, you know what I mean. There’s the come-and-see-what-I-caught-you’ll-be-proud-of-me time when you are right in the middle of finding out who murdered Grandma on your favorite tv show.

There’s the I-want-to-sit-on-your-lap time. I am sitting there in my comfy chair, zoning out on that new episode of “Game of Thrones”. The bowl of popcorn rests on my lap, all buttery and salted the way I like it. Kitty wants on my lap right where that big bowl of popcorn sits. For the last six weeks, I have tried to persuade her that I have a nice lap. Now she has taken me up on my offer. Of all times.

I move the popcorn out of the way and she jumps up on the lap. Now you would think she would lay down and leave well enough alone. Oh no. She has to make sure I know who is in charge. She starts kneading. For those of you who are not cat owners, here is Wikipedia’s definition of cat kneading:

“The cat exerts firm downwards pressure with its paw, opening its toes to expose its claws, then closes its claws as it lifts its paw. The process takes place with alternate paws at intervals of one to two seconds. They may do this while sitting on their owner’s lap, which may prove painful if the cat is large or strong or has sharp claws (as the claws tend to dig into one’s lap). Though cats sit happily on a hard surface, they only knead a soft or pliant surface, although some cats reflexively “march” on hard surfaces instead of kneading them.”

As you can tell from this information, my lap is a soft, pliant surface.

The time I hate the most is the I-want-out-I have-to-go-chase-something time. This usually occurs at 4 am around my house. I say, “Go ‘way. Let me sleep.” I hear this retort, “You don’t want me to go way. I know how to miss the litter box.” When the god speaks, I must respond. No matter what.

In most religions, there is a place for repentance. Cat owners know that does not hold with kitty. No matter how much I beg for forgiveness for that one time that I did not respond to kitty, there is no repentance on earth that will be accepted. I broke The Commandment: Cats rule. Even if I wear sack cloth and ashes and present kitty with special treats for months on end, kitty shall always hold it over me. Lest I transgress a second time. God help me if I transgress a second time.

I have come to one conclusion about cats and their times. This is their revenge for that moment of weakness we called them the one word they truly hate. And believe me. There is no revenge quite like Cat Revenge. So what is The Word? Cute as in “Honey, we just have to have him. He’s so cute.”

If you didn’t say it, you thought it. Cats know. They read minds.

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6 thoughts on “Cat Time

  1. Oh yeah, as a former cat owner, I know that cats have a way of inserting themselves at just that time. You can look for love from them all you want, but will only get it when you’re not looking, or maybe not even particularly wanting…but isn’t that the way it is in real life as well? And don’t get me started on those sharp claws.

  2. I recall once watching a Minnesota Vikings game with a cat on my lap. It is normally an event that a cat can sleep through – but the Vikings scored, yes, can you believe it? They scored! I got so excited, I forgot I had a cat on my lap. It is something a person should never forget – even when the Vikings score.

  3. As a cat dude, I have to say, amen! My wife and I have been talking about getting a “D O G” and my cat is already protesting. Even if we spell the word he lifts his head and rolls his big green eyes as if to say, “I dare you, I double dog dare you!” We tell him it’s just for security, that he’d really, just be like an employee. So the cat stepped up his game, and tried barking. Or so we thought, until he hacks up this giant hair ball. “Gross!” I say as I clean it up. He looks at me with those big green eyes and I melt. “It’s a good thing your so cute.” He shakes his head and walks away as if he’s a lion on the African plain and I’m lucky he doesn’t eat me.

    • I have a cat that thinks she is a queen. So she is called Princess. I also have a cat that thinks he is a D O G. That is why he is Buster. I like your idea of telling the cat the D O G will be an employee. Now you are going to have to take resumes. There is a wonderful children’s book about cats and dogs called Bunnicula.

  4. Yes to all of this! But, I will also add the walking-back-and-forth-over-the-keyboard-when-you’re-on-the-computer time (pressing all the wrong keys as they do so). 🙂

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