Some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall. (Measure for Measure Act II, Scene I).
Act 1 Interlude. There were only two women at Elsinore. One Hamlet’s mom, Gertrude, and Ophelia who was verboten to date him, Hamlet just didn’t have a girlfriend. No female for some whoppee, none for hanky panky. What if there had been women in the Castle in addition to Gertrude and Ophelia? Here are some suggestions and what these women might say:
Lady Macbeth: You do your Uncle in or I will do you in.
Rosalind (from As You Like It): Let’s go have some fun. You do Tootsie and I will do Yentil.
Beatrice (from Much Ado About Nothing): I’m sorry but I will not marry you. I am not into guys who wear black. Or green. Or blue. Or orange. But you might look nice in purple.
Annie Hall: I don’t care whether you kill your uncle, but you gotta kill that spider.
Emma (from Emma by Jane Austen): Have I got the right gal for you.
Scarlett: Tomorrow is another day to kill your Uncle.
Ana (from Fifty Shades of Grey): So you have a dungeon here in Elsinore?
Martha Stewart: This castle could use some redecorating.
Mary Poppins: Can you say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? If you can, then take a spoonful of sugar and the medicine of revenge will go down. Poof. No more Claudius.
Princess Leia from Star Wars: Use the Force to take Claudius out.
Mommy Dearest: Look, Hamlet, if you don’t do the job, I am going to have to use the coat hanger.
Hermione Granger (from Harry Potter): I’m telling you that Snape is Claudius.
Clarice Starling (from Silence of the Lambs) I will not eat Claudius’ liver with or without fava beans.
Jane Eyre: Why is everybody always saying to me, “To eeyre is Jane”?
Annie Savoy (from Bull Durham): Hamlet, I have just the thing for you. Baseball. You could be a .390 batter if you tried. You certainly have the arm for it.
Holly Golightly (from Breakfast at Tiffany’s): You don’t have any problems that cab money and a trip to Tiffany’s can’t solve, Hamlet.
Mrs. Lovett (from Sweeny Todd): Hamlet, I have the perfect thing to cheer you up. A lovely meat pie.
Alice (in Wonderland): You haven’t seen a cat, have you? We went out on a blind date, then he disappeared. He did have a nice smile.
Eliza Doolittle (from My Fair Lady): Aw garn, I never see’d a castle before.
Guinevere (from Camelot): Hamlet, do you want to join my Round Table?
Daisy Buchanan (from The Great Gatsby): Honestly, Hamlet, Tom knows everything. He may even know where Claudius put the poison. Now could you pass the tea please?
Ripley (from Alien): Your uncle has something growing inside of him, Hamlet.
Lieutenant Uhura (from Star Trek): Beam me up, Captain Hamlet.
Shakira: Just shake those hips, Hamlet.
Jenifer Lopez: You look so bootylicious, Hamlet. We make such a bootylicious couple, don’t you think?
Beyonce: I saw you in the elevator, Hamlet, with Ophelia of all people.
Taylor Swift: Just shake it off, Hamlet. Shake it off.
Mylie Cyrus: I could twerk Claudius dead. I have great aim. And I will just wham him with my wrecking ball.
Lady Gaga: Hamlet, we are going to have to do something about those clothes.
Marge Gunderson (from Fargo): Oh, geez.
Mae West: Why don’t you come up and see me sometime, Big Boy?
Unfortunately none of these were available. Only Gertrude, only Ophelia.
Which pretty much left Ophelia by herself. Gertrude had Claudius. Hamlet had Horatio. Polonius had his scheming and Laertes had Paris. Ophelia had no one. She was alone. Quite alone.