The Neighborhood Lawn War

My neighbor one fine day slunk out of his cave,
Raised his finger and made it misbehave.
He went to his mower and gave it a start,
Then leveled his grass till it was a park.                                                                               “Show off,” I said, then headed to the store.                                                                         I’d not be outdone by the man next door.                                                                                 I returned home with some seed and some sod,                                                           Ready to take on that petty little god.                                                                                    I’d show that he was a neighborhood fraud,                                                                     That I wasn’t about to be overawed.                                                                                Soon I had the finest grass on the block.                                                                            No lawn could match it. I was a big shot,                                                                     Winner of the prize for the best yard in town.                                                                      My neighbor would not take this, lying down.                                                                Before I knew it, a nursery truck                                                                                     Drove up to his front door and came to a stop.                                                                      A man in uniform tumbled him out                                                                                        Of the driver’s cab and went ’round about                                                                           To the back of the truck to its very big butt.                                                                         He pushed and he pulled from out of its gut                                                                   Fauna so green I thought it was from Oz.                                                                        They made my breath take something of a pause,                                                         Then plants so exotic and some quite erotic.                                                                          I wanted to spring over for a summertime frolic.                                                                     But a determined me held me in check.                                                                                   I gritted my teeth. My nerves were a wreck.                                                                      Out on my back lawn I gathered my troops.                                                            Whatever the trouble, whatever the loops                                                                          We had to jump through to get back our pride                                                                   We were more than ready to make that ride,                                                                      Me, my wife, my kids, my dad and my mom.                                                                     We were about to kick some butt and then some.                                                              We tore up the lawn both front and the rear.                                                                    With a gusto, we grinned from ear to ear.                                                                          We readied for battle, we had a plan                                                                                   To show this neighbor he wasn’t The Man.                                                                         We were about to show he’d made a mistake.                                                                    We grabbed our shovels, our hoes and our rakes.                                                             Toward his yard we dug one heck of a trench                                                                     To send our destroyers up one very big ditch.                                                                      In it, we planted some kudzu, ivy and weeds,                                                                     And all the damage no yard ever needs.                                                                             We aimed our destroyers well for the run                                                                          And smiled as we fired our loaded gun,                                                                                A water hose shooting across the sun.                                                                              We fired and fired till our day was done.                                                                         Soon the neighborhood war was over                                                                                    A white flag rose from his field of clover.                                                                           That neighbor knew he was down for the count,                                                                    If he carried on, there’d be a big knock out.

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7 thoughts on “The Neighborhood Lawn War

  1. We’re the ones with the overgrown lawn that the neighbors are always looking at with snarls on their faces because their certain it will bring down the housing values. We haven’t a chance.

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