1. When people say I am old school, they’re thinking I went to school with Socrates. Well, I did. He flunked philosophy.
2. I am so old school, I gave Nero his first fiddle. Big mistake.
3. I am so old school, I was Dracula’s original dentist. I’m sorry.
4. I am so old school, I was Henry VIII’s divorce lawyer. Henry paid good.
5. I am so old school, I am responsible for the Leaning Tower of Pisa. I just had to move that brick. It didn’t look straight. Well, it didn’t. After all these years, the Italians still won’t let me in their country. And they say an elephant never forgets.
6. I’m so old school, I told Ben Franklin, “Go fly a kite.” When he did, he lit up like EPCOT on Christmas Eve. The good news: he came out a lot smarter. After that, he invented bifocals, the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. He even invented the kitchen sink. So people can now say, “Everything including the kitchen sink.”
7. I am so old school, I convinced George Washington not to put “In George We Trust” on the money. It just didn’t sound right. By the way he did chop down the cherry tree.
8. I am so old school, I knew Yankee Doodle personally. He was no dandy.
9. I am so old school, They wanted to put my face on the one dollar bill. I told them no. I don’t like selfies.
10 I am so old school, I gave Abe Lincoln the stake when he went vampire hunting.
11. I am so old school, I warned Custer those smoke signals were saying “No trespassing”.
12. I am so old school, I told James Joyce where to put the periods. And the commas too.
13. I am so old school, I started the rumor about the pony. You know the one that says, “There’s a pony in here someplace.” There wasn’t. I just like to watch people shoveling poop.
14. I am so old school, I was the eighth dwarf, Sloppy.
15. I am so old school, I was the model for Dumbo’s ears.
16. I am so old school, I was the original Scarecrow in the “Wizard of Oz”. The director said it was typecasting and fired me because I didn’t have a brain.
17. I am so old school, I wrote lines for the movie “Gone With the Wind”. Clark Gable kept tripping over the original lines. So I gave him the line, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” To be frank, he really didn’t.
18. I am so old school, I knew Keith Richards when he was sober.
19. I am so old school, I started the rumor that Paul was dead. Actually he was. That’s his clone you see up there on stage.
20. I am so old school I know what “groovy” means.