These words are razors to my wounded heart. – Titus Andronicus Act I, Scene I.
Act 3 Scene 4. Bedroom Scene. The Hamster thinks he’s alone with Gertie the Queen, better known as Mom. But they are not alone. What would a scene in Hamlet be without someone spying on someone else. So Polonius is behind the curtains.
Hamster: Why did you marry–?
Gertie: I love him.
Hamster: Dad not good enough for you?
G: I get lonely.
H: Afraid of the dark? Afraid of sleeping alone? I can sleep on the couch and keep the big bad monsters away.
G: It’s not that.
H: Oh, I get it. Claudius has a sword. Dad only had a dagger.
H; Or are you just a slut? Sleeping with every Tom, Dick and Claudius?
H: My God, Mother, you didn’t sleep with Polonius, did you?
G: I just needed somebody who would scrub my back and let me play with his rubber duckie.
H: Aww, now the truth comes out. Dad wasn’t duckie enough for you.
Polonius coughs from behind the curtain. Scares the jumping-jack-flash out of the Hamster. Before the Hamster could stop himself, his dagger was…well, let’s just say it was. Polonius fell. He was dead as a doorknob and any other kind of knob too.
The good news is we are getting somewhere with the plot. We now have Corpse Number One. But don’t worry, folks, there is more to come.
What can we say about Polonius? Here was a man who hid behind curtains. To spy on all. He spied on Laertes. He spied on Ophelia. He spied on the Queen. And Hamlet. Makes one think that he was a regular man from U.N.C.L.E. with all that eavesdropping. By spying, he knew stuff. Like Who Put The Bop In The Bop Shoo Bop.
Hamlet knew the man, who hid behind curtains, was the man behind the curtains. Now the man ain’t hiding no more.
Gertie starts bawling her eyes out.
H: Now don’t tell me you played with Polonius’ rubber duckie.
G: Are you crazy? I would never.
H: Phew. That’s a relief. You had me worried for a minute there.
G: How can you think such a thing?
H: Well, look whose rubber duckie you are playing with.
H: Poor stupid Polonius. That’s what you get for eavesdropping. A blade in the gut, and you’re dead.
G: Oh shame where is thy blush. On the carpet, of course. How am I ever going to get that blood out?
H: Geez, you didn’t feel that way when Dad died.
G: Your dad had the good sense to die in the garden, not all over my beautiful carpet.
Just when you least expect it, Ghostie shows his pretty face.
Hamlet to the Ghost: Back in Act 1. Scene 5. You said you had to urgently return to the flames of purgatory. What happened?
Ghost: Are you sure I said that?
Hamlet: You did and I quote…
Ghost: That doesn’t sound like me.
Hamlet: Well, it was you. And now you’re back.
Ghost: Just to remind you that your dragging your feet on this revenge business. And, please, don’t get scary with your mother. I don’t want her dying from a heart attack.
Hamlet: I’ve been doing my best. And I’ll lay off Mom.
Ghost: Well, okay. I really don’t want to have to make another appearance. That will mean overtime and you know how play producers feel about overtime. They don’t like it. So get with it.
Poof! Ghostie is gone.
Gertie: Just who were you talking too?
H: Oh, you wouldn’t know. Now do me a favor.
G: I’ll try.
H: Don’t play rubber duckie with Claudius no more.
G:But I like his rubber duckie.
H: You want me to clean up my act?
G: Of course.
H: No more rubber duckie with Claudius.
G: (finally): No more rubber duckie with Claudius. (Gertie has her fingers crossed. After all, The Hamster will be in England soon. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, now will it?)
G: (looks over to the corpse): So what are we going to do with that thing?
H: I hear there’s a fellow down the way that is looking for fresh corpse.
G: That sounds downright ghoulish, don’t you think?
H: I think that’s what “Frankenstein” means in Bavarian. Ghoulish.
G: You don’t say.
H: I do say. Seems he wants to bring a corpse back to life.
G: Will Herr Doktor Frankenstein take the corpse c.o.d. or are we going to have to pay for shipping?
H: Either way, I’ll get him wrapped up and give FedEx a call.
The Hamster reaches down and drags the corpse off stage. Gertie goes to see if she can find Claudius’ rubber duckie.