Uncle Bardie’s Coming to Town

It was the night before Christmas.
All through the house there wasn’t a sound.
Even the baby was not peeping a peep.
For Uncle Bardie was coming to town.
He sped up to the front of the house
In his red fifty-seven Cadillac.
He gave out a shout the size of a roar.
We were under an Uncle Bardie attack.
“I have an offer you cannot refuse.
If you don’t let Uncle Bardie come in,
I’ll huff and puff and blow your house down,”
He said, giving us all his devilish grin.
As we trembled in our booties, on he went,
“I know you were hoping for Santa.
He can’t make it on account of delays
In Chicago, Topeka and Atlanta.”
With that, he gave the front door a big blow.
In he stormed like a blizzard from the north.
To get out of his way, the family walked back
One step, two steps, three steps, and a fourth.
Dad in his pajamas, Mom in her robe,
I in my p.j.s with a cap on my noggin’
Glad Baby was upstairs to miss the horrors
Of Uncle Bardie through the house a-sloggin’.
He hurried over to the tree in the corner
Lit up for Christmas Christmasy and green,
Smashing gifts like Thor with his hammer
Ripping open stockings like the grinchiest fiend.
Mom was all upset and out of her mind
With Uncle Bardie’s grunts and his groans
Though she dared not move even a pinch.
As the house gave off its very deep moans.
Finally her courage rose up from her toes
When U B found the stuff he was going for.
She sprinted across the room ever so fast.
It was quite a sight to see Mom going to war.
She snatched Santa’s cookies out of his hands
Before he stuffed them into his very big mouth.
“No you don’t,” she said with a rage second to none.
Her foot gave him a smash in the very deep south.
As he rolled out of the house and onto the lawn,
She said in a voice that would make the devil shake,
“Those are Santa’s and you’d better leave them alone.”
Uncle Bardie had been hit with an earthquake
He would never forget in all the years to come.
“If that’s the way you feel, I’m gone like a light
There’ll be no gifts from your Uncle Bardie.
So merry Christmas and a very good night.”
Well, the earth it quivered and the snow did too
As he got back into his bright red Cadillac
And he flew off to other parts of the family
Soon to be under an Uncle Bardie attack.

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