Boogah and Sugah Mae at the Art Museum

“Ain’t that purty, Boogah?”

“It sure ‘nough is, Sugah Mae. Never seed anything quite like it.”

“It’s all them there dots, Boogah.” Sugah Mae starts to put her finger on the painting.

Boogah grabs her hand. “Now, remember what they said. Don’t touch.”

“I almost forgot.” Sugah Mae withdraws the hand. She poses before the painting like she’s thinking. It could be that she is thinking but Boogah isn’t sure. Then she says something real bright, “You know I could do that.”

“Do what?” Boogah wants to know. He thinks he knows what she is thinking but he’s not sure. After all, it’s Sugah Mae doing the thinking.

“Get me one of them paint-by-number kits and paint.”

“Bet your paintin’ would be purtier than this one.” Boogah just about admires everything Sugah Mae does.

“Bet you’re right.”

A Boxing Day Satirical Christmas Carol

Happy St. Stephen’s Day and Boxing Day to all you celebrants out there.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentle Girls

God rest ye merry gentle girls,
Let nothing you dismay,
Jesus wasn’t born on Christmas,
He was born Thanksgiving Day.
There were no sheep or sheperds,
Only turkeys came to pray.
Oh sure, there were the wise men,
At Massachusetts Bay.

The Pilgrims came by a ship,
Mayflower was its name,
Least that’s what we’ve been told
By those in history’s game.
Pilgrims came with Columbus,
So he could have his day,
And we could have a Thanksgiving
The good, old American way.

Ben Franklin scared the zombies,
Told them to fly a kite.
Abe Lincoln killed the vampires
“Fore they could go out and bite.
A blue-eyed, blonde-haired Jesus,
He’s really the god for us.
If you don’t accept our Jesus,
We’ll kick you off the bus.

Hamlet: Off to England He Goes

Not where he eats, but where he is eaten. A certain convocation of politic worms are e’en at him. Your worm is your only emperor for diet. We fat all creatures else to fat us, and we fat ourselves for maggots. Your fat king and your lean beggar is but variable service—two dishes, but to one table. That’s the end. Hamlet Act 4 Scene 3.

For Hamlet’s plot till now, see Hamlet So Far.

Act 4 Scene 3. Hamlet enters the presence of King Claudius. He is in no mood for kowtowing, and towkowing either. Not in no mood at all.

“Hey, Chief,” Hamlet starts off.

Claudius is not amused with Hamlet’s irreverence. “Your Magnanimousness, if you please.”

“Right, Boss,” Hamlet giggles. Could it be that he’s been in the winery? “I thought I would bring my complaint straight to the Big Cheese. That’s you, right?”

Claudius cannot believe his ears. But he nods his head yes.

“We need some new plumbing around here,” The Hamster lets out. “The toilets have a real constipation problem. I went to poop and, man, talk about backup.”

Changing the subject, Claudius asks, “Where’s Polonius’ body?”

“Maybe he’s the reason for all the backup. Could it be somebody tried to flush him away?”

“Where’s the body?” Claudius insists.

“He might be coming to dinner,” Hamlet says. “I really can’t say.”

“Go ahead and say.”

“Since you ask me, he was taking a vaca the last I heard. By FedEx first class.”

“What am I going to do with you, Prince Hamlet?”

“Without a body, there’s no evidence that Polonius didn’t just run off with the farmer’s daughter.”

“Where is his body?” Claudius is now getting in Hamlet’s face big time.

“Whoa, Big Guy, you really need to do something about that breath of yours. Poor hygiene ain’t the way to make friends and influence people.”

Claudius returns to his throne and plops down. “Here’s what you’re going to do. You need to get out of town for a while. So I am going to send you first class to England.”

“Oh, boy, the Coliseum. And I’ll get to see the Pope too. Always wanted to know what a pope looked like.”

“No,” Claudius says. “That’s Rome. England, I said.”

“Oh, goody, the Eiffel Tower and the Champs-Élysées.”

“That’s Paris, not England.”

“Wonderful. I’ll get to see Michelangelo’s David.”

“That’s Florence, not England.”

“I hear the gondoliers sing,” Hamlet says.

“Not Venice. England,” Claudius is extremely frustrated.

“Not England. I hate fog,” Hamlet resists.

“Yes, England, and you can stay at Buckingham Palace.”

“Well, okay. As long as it’s not the Tower of London. You can catch cold there from the draft.”

“Then it is agreed. It’s what your mother wants too.” Claudius is relieved. Dealing with Hamlet is extremely tiring. The king is going to need a nap soon.

“Oh, if Mom says it’s okay, then it must be okay,” Hamlet wise-guys.

Claudius hands Hamlet an envelope with his tickets and his per diem.

“Well, ta-ta, Big Guy,” Hamlet says. “I’ll see you in Tuscany. And remember it’s a long way to Temporary.”

“You mean Tipperary?”

“If you say so,” Hamlet sashays out the door.

Claudius calls after him, “And take those two Bozos with you.” Of course, he was talking Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Who else?

Since there is always a bard in these kinds of plays, there is a Barde here as well. (In case any of you were wondering, Barde is French for Bard.) Our friendly Bardie sings, “Hamlettown”:

Hamlet, O Hamlet, it’s off to sea
Hamlet, O Hamlet, it’s off to England

Down in Elsinore Castle there was a tragedy
Old Hamlet died, poisoned as poison could be.
Was it a snake bite or was it some other thing
That took down the Dane and Elsinore’s king?

Hamlet, O Hamlet, it’s off to sea
Hamlet, O Hamlet, it’s off to England

It was in the days when the cold winds blow
When all the laughter had turned to snow
The young prince sadly returned to the castle
To find the new king made Hamlet his vassal

Hamlet, O Hamlet, it’s off to sea
Hamlet, O Hamlet, it’s off to England

One night Hamlet saw the ghost of his pater
Dressed in armor just like his dad, his father
Demanding revenge and demanding it quick
“Take out Claudius before you can shake a stick.”

Hamlet, O Hamlet, it’s off to sea
Hamlet, O Hamlet, it’s off to England

Hamlet went mad or so the Danes were led to think
Even his mom said that he wasn’t in the pink
He gave the king’s man a very big tummy ache
Now Polonius will never again awake

Hamlet, O Hamlet, it’s off to sea
Hamlet, O Hamlet, it’s off to England

There was but one thing that Claudius could do
Send Hamlet away to get the king out of the stew
It was off to England with a note to the English
Take off his head to give this plot a good finish.

Hamlet, O Hamlet, it’s off to sea
Hamlet, O Hamlet, it’s off to England

There’s more to this tale than England could finish
When R and G lost their heads to the British
Hamlet stole the note that was to go to Olde England
And changed it from  Claudius’ original plan

Hamlet, O Hamlet, it’s off to sea
Hamlet, O Hamlet, it’s off to England.

Uncle Bardie’s Movie of the Week: Arthur Saves Christmas

Once a week on Monday, Uncle Bardie shares a movie with his Readers he gives a big two thumbs up. It will simply be a short excerpt or a trailer for the movie. From time to time, a reflection on the movie will appear below the video. So pop some popcorn and give yourself a treat. This week’s movie is an extra special Christmas movie, “Arthur Christmas” (2011):

As y’all know, I have not done an animated feature here at Uncle Bardie’s Movie of the Week. Until now. You see, it’s Christmas and what better way to celebrate than with an absolutely scrumptious animated movie. So sit down, relax and get ready for Arthur time.

Back in the long ago time of 2011, Arthur was doing his regular job at the North Pole. Answering letters from boys and girls everywhere who might have an itsy, bitsy, teeny weeny doubt about Santa’s existence. It’s Arthur’s job to assure the children that Santa not only exists but he will be making deliveries at their houses.

How can Arthur sell Santa so sincerely. He’s Santa’s youngest. And he’s up to the job of Christmas cheer ‘cause there’s one thing Arthur loves more than anything. Arthur loves Christmas. He loves Christmas so much he is the embodiment of the Christmas spirit. Think Christmas and Arthur’s face comes up.

In this movie, there are no villains. I repeat. There are no villains. No grinches either. ‘Course Santa’s tired and ready to retire. Just one more Christmas delivery and it’s the sandy beaches of Florida. Only one thing to do after this final delivery. Choose a new Santa. The candidate most likely is Arthur’s older brother, Steve. Steve does have a lot of enthusiasm for the whole Christmas gig. He has whipped the elves into shape the way only a good drill sergeant can.

So it’s Christmas Eve, 2011. Santa takes out the new, extra special twenty-first century sled for delivery duty. At his side is the 1st Field Elf Battalion to do the dirty work and get the toys to every deserving boy and girl, and some not so deserving. “Operation Santa Claus is coming to town.” The sled is faster than a speeding bullet, making its rounds. Every child gets the special Santa treatment. Except one. Gwen.

You heard me right. Santa missed a child.

“But Santa never misses a child,” you say.

When Arthur realizes that Gwen has been missed, he calls it to Steve’s attention. Steve ignores him. He calls it to Santa’s attention. Santa ignores him. After all, it’s Arthur and he can be a bit of a pain. What with his Christmas over-the-top enthusiasm. Besides what is one child. “Christmas is not a time for emotion,.” according to Steve.

Arthur decides that it just won’t do that Gwen will be missed. He takes it personally that a child was missed. He goes off on a mission to save Gwen’s Christmas. With a little help from Grandsanta, his old wooden sleigh Evie and an elf named Bryony.

So get in the Christmas spirit and cheer Arthur on. He just might make it. After it is Christmas and miracles do occur.