As Weazel Sneezes, Weazel Sneezes
In a time not so far away in the future…
It was the time when winter was coming. It was the time of the Walking Dudleys. It was the time of the big party in Rio known as the Olympics.
So what does that have to do with this novel? Not much. I just thought it would be fun to write that.
Our story begins in Weazel Sneeze, U. S. of A. A regular booming metropolis of twenty-five, give or take a few, depending on the season. Just where is Weazel Sneeze? A hop, skip and jump past Snort Holler. It’s right smack dab in the center of Podunk Country. No famous person ever came from Weazel Sneeze.
Oh, sure, several had passed through that idyllic little community. A couple of future actresses stopped for a while to work as waitresses in the local diner, Sam ‘N’ Ella’s All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. They quickly became tired of “Hon” and “How ’bout it” from the local boys. As soon as their automobile was reassembled and repaired, they left only their dust behind. “What did we do to deserve that?” the locals asked.
Another young woman, name of Ellie May Marmalade of the Snort Holler Marmalades, stopped and worked in the local house of ill-repute, better known as Barbara Ann Butt’s Twerl and Kurl. The local ladies came there for fixings. That is, a perm and a complete makeup job known as a makeover. No plastic surgeon could have done a better job.
Why Betty Sue Elmira Doris Bobbie Jo Pudding-Sneeze, known to one and all as B. S. Pudding, recently married to the mayor, had gotten her a brand spanking new nose to replace a schnooze the size of Mount Vesuvius. Afterwards she paraded through the town, showing off her new proboscis. When all the folks saw the miracle, they lined up at the front door of the Twerl and Kurl for their own beautification.
Ellie May Marmalade stayed just long enough to earn herself a ticket to Hollywood. She later became known as Big Bazookas, the biggest porn star in the world of porn stars. When asked where she had gotten her sex training, she never mentioned Weazel Sneeze. She was just too embarrassed.
The men folk in the town went down to the Twerl and Kurl to watch all the ladies getting their do done. Seems there wasn’t much in the way of entertainment for a Saturday afternoon, except the Twerl and Kurl.
As I said above, no one famous actually came from Weazel Sneeze. That is, until one of their native sons ran for President of the United States. The Mayor, to be exact. The Mayor, on top of being the mayor, was also Captain of the Podunk County Irregulars.
Why was there the need of a Podunk County Irregulars? In case of invasion from the next county over, White Picket Fence County named after that Tom Sawyer’s Aunt Polly’s white picket fence. The White Picket Fence County Regulars hadn’t shown their faces in Podunk County for nigh on in a hundred years. But, like the Rapture, you just never knew when it might happen. It could happen anyday. Besides the Podunk County Irregulars subbed for the Podunk County Volunteer Fire Department.
And who knew when the Volunteer Fire Department might need a sub or two. One night some twenty years ago every man, woman and child of the Volunteers had all taken a notion and gone over to Snort Holler for a snort. They ended up staying for a week. When they moseyed on back to Weazel Sneeze, they had the biggest hangover you ever did see. None of them Vols could rustle themselves out of bed for nigh on a week. So you can see the need for the Irregulars.
So Weazel Sneeze is the very place you might want to look for a President. A truly all-American town. All the folks of the town lived in log cabins. No one could say the mayor was not born in a log cabin.
Chapter 3 Next Wednesday.