Politics in America 14: Resumé-ing All Over the Place

Big Al Fresco and Betty Sue Pudding put their heads together. Everything they could say about P F Sneeze they could say in one minute and three seconds. Pig Farmer from Weazel Sneeze, husband of Betty Sue Pudding and daddy to Bessie Mae Hogg, his future blue ribbon pig, Mayor of Weazel Sneeze, and a man who’ll ignore you anytime you want. And most of the time you don’t want. That was it. So Al and Betty Sue went to work, thunking. Soon they had their plan. They’d lie.

It was a Friday afternoon when they started in on a brand new history for P F Sneeze, the Do Naughty nominee for President.

What about his birth?

Don’t think it was a virgin birth. But there was a star and three, no make that four wise men came over from Snort Holler. They drove over in a red Chevy pickup, bearing gifts for P F’s daddy and mama. On top of that he was born in a log cabin just like Abe Lincoln. ‘Course they wouldn’t tell anybody but everybody in Weazel Sneeze was born in a log cabin.

It was the craziest thing. Immediately P F was put in his mama’s arms, he tawked. He tawked good. Had an English accent. The first words out of his mouth, “I say, I say, rahther.” He spent the next two hours commenting on the weather. Until that moment nobody in Podunk County ever tawked about the weather. It was such a miracle that the Podunkies have been tawking about the weather ever since. Because he tawked so much as a child, he got all that tawking out of his system. That’s why he don’t tawk much anymore.

Well, that set Big Al and Betty Sue’s imagination a-going. They were on a streak and they were not about to stop there.

It was then they had a realization. Why was P F so darned presidential. It must be that he was a direct descendant of George Washington. It didn’t matter that G W and Martha never had any kids. P F Sneeze was a direct descendant. Why else did he take to cherry trees when he was a young’un? He took out every gosh darned cherry tree in three counties before the authorities in Snort Holler stopped him. They told him that it wasn’t nice. P F was all surprised and all. He thought he was doing what any kid was sposed to do.

Then there was the part about the war. P F Sneeze was a war hero. They weren’t saying which war. But he was definitely a hero. Took out a squad of bad guys single-handed. Because he was so modest, he wouldn’t accept all them other medals from the generals. Even the President wanted to give him a medal but P F right out refused.

Not only was he a war hero, he served four years as a buck private. That really made him a man of the peeps.

Of course, none of this was true. That didn’t matter. He looked like a President. That was all there was to it.

Next week A Return to the Scene of the Crime


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