It was a dark and stony night at the Scarlet Eh Toke and Snack. The rain came down so hard it obliterated the stars, giving rain a bad name. Inside, the Eh was smoky. The table-tenants occupied their spots, having laid down a sawbuck for the night’s rent of a table.
Sitting over by God-knows-where, Call-Me-Ishmael held a joint between his fingers. It was the best of weed. It was the worst of weed. It was the best of weed because there was a lot of it. When there was a lot of it, Ishy could get buzzed sooner than later. It was the worst of weed because there was a lot of it. When there was a lot of it, Ishy would never get un-stoned. Not that he thought there was much to say for the un-stoned life.
Ishy looked at the joint between his fingers and said, “I dub thee Moby Dick.” Then he lit up and took a puff. “Man, that’s good.” It was good enough to give Acapulco Gold a run for its money.
H. P., the legendary Hester Prynne and proprietress of the Eh, moseyed her svelte figure over to Ishy’s table in the corner. “You wanna share, Big Boy?” she asked, a bit of demand in her Mae West voice.
“With you?” he said. “’Course I wanna share. Take yourself a little sitsky.”
H. P. never refused an offer she couldn’t refuse. It just wasn’t polite. She dropped into the chair across from Ishy.
He passed the doobie over to her. She took a long puff. It went down easy. Real easy. She released the smoke, making several rings Gandalf would have been proud of.
“That’s some buzz,” she said.
“Ought to be. I grew it myself.”
“You don’t say.”
“I do say.” And he did.
“It’s a bomb,” she said, smiled and passed the big fellow back to him. “Very cannabistic. A real blitzkrieg.”
“You do know that it’s a long way to Temporary?”
“Hadn’t thought of it that way. It did look like you’d been babysitting them smoke rings long enough for them to grow feet and make for the border.”
“Not a bad thought if you ask me.” he took another puff. “I was just taking a bake break.”
“I can see you’ve reached your destination.”
“That’s cause my brain has been ashed.”
“In other words, you are blazed.”
“There’s no other words about it. I done went and got myself blitzed.” Ishy would have suggested a walk to walk off the stony. But there was no possibility of taking a trek out into that night. He never liked long walks, especially on stony nights.Besides he had just returned from his landlord’s house earlier that evening, and that had been a bit of walk for him. Almost two miles, I’d say, and he had only made it to the Scarlet Eh by two or three minutes before the dungeons had let the dark and rainy out of the bog. And here he and H. P. were, communing with Alice B. Toklas. It was enough to make a Rastafarian weep.
“You know, I do believe I have a case of couchlock. Even if you asked me to take a flying leap–” he said, then hiccupped, then continued, “I would have to refuse the invitation. One thing is for sure. I don’t think I will be dry for a while.”
“Ishy.” H P had a moment of absolute brilliance. It was as if the Archangel Gabriel came down and tooted in her ear. “Ishy, why don’t you go on ‘Shark Tank’. Raise some money to entrepreneur yourself into a nice little business.”
Ishy took another hit of fatty and passed it back over to H P. “I don’t like sharks. Besides I can’t swim.”
She toked on Moby Dick. The smoke going down and lifting her higher. “No, man. Get some folks to invest in your weed. Once they toke on one of your joints, they’ll be in. Big time. Then you can retire and do the Maynard G. Krebs you’ve always wanted. It’s a future.”
“I do mean.”
“I won’t ever have to–” he hesitated to say the hated word, but finally it came out like water bursting through a leak in a dam, “work.”
“That’s what I mean.”
“I think I hear the angels rejoicing. Have I died and gone to the big pot store in the sky?”
Ishy took himself a little looksee through the window of the Scarlet Eh. The rain had stopped. The dark had parted like the Red Sea back in Moses’ time. There was at least twenty-two stars shining down on Call-me-Ishmael that night. He wasn’t sure whether he was seeing clear or it was the weed hallucinatin’ his brain. It really didn’t matter.
All he knew was that the day began with the sun rising and nothing to show for it. Now here he was at the end of the day with a Plan. That Plan was going to help him reach his ultimate goal of sitting on his butt and roller coasting through this life and the next one. Hallelujah.