Politics in America 20: Christmas in November

The trouble started five days before Election Day. It looked like there was going to be a huge turnout for the Pig Farmer from Weazel Sneeze. The sculptor at Mount Rushmore had already got out his chisel for an additional head on the great stone mountain.

Betty Sue, being Betty Sue Pudding, just couldn’t leave well enough alone. Things were going too well. That’s when you’ve got to be careful. Damned careful. Or the Grinch will come and steal all your toys. You’ve heard of pushing your luck too far. Betty Sue was about to push their luck over the cliff.

The week before the election Betty Sue went back home for a break. She had been working twenty-four seven and Big Al Fresco sent her home with, “There’s nothing else we can do. It looks like we’ve accomplished it.” He kissed her on the cheek, then watched her as she headed for the airplane, thinking, “Now there goes a woman.”

That Thursday Betty Sue woke up early like she always did. She woke up early. She was in her au naturel. She did a bit of stretching, then went into the living room and did her yoga. She was a happy camper. Soon she would be the First Lady.

She thought, “The First Lady. Can you imagine? Won’t all my high school friends be jealous?” Especially that Brandi Wine Moonglow. The bitch. Brandi Wine Moonglow had beat Betty Sue to become her high school’s head cheerleader. As we all know, there is nothing quite like high school jealousy. We carry it with us the rest of our lives. Losing to Brandi Wine had given Betty Sue a complex that ran all the way down to her toes.

Just as she went into her Salamba Sarvangasana, she started laughing. She couldn’t control her laughter. She laughed so hard she fell out of position and had to go to take a pee. It felt so good. Getting even. As she emptied her bladder, she emptied herself of all jealousy. She began to feel sorry for Brandi Wine. After all, it wasn’t her fault that Brandi Wine Moonglow was so dumb. At seventeen she got herself knocked up by the quarterback of the Weazel Sneeze Prunes. They got married. Now he’s lost his job at the factory and she weighs a good three hundred pounds. You never know how things are going to turn out, do you?

After her yoga was over, Betty Sue started twiddling her thumbs. She realized she had nothing to do. One of the Secret Service guys had fed Bessie Mae Hogg. She called Brandi Wine and reminisced about the old high school days. That took up all of fifteen minutes. Well, you’ve heard the old saying, “Idle hands are the devil’s playground.” The devil was about to getting a good workout. He must have been smiling when it all came down. He might even have been saying, “Thank you, Jesus.” Christmas was about to come early for Old Scratch. There was about to be a hot time in the old town Weazel Sneeze style.

Next Week The Muffin Parade


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