Politics in America 25: The States Speak

It was not Florida that was the problem. Florida had passed with flying colors. Weazel Sneeze won it and then some. It was not the South either. P F Sneeze carried the South with plenty of votes to spare. New England went for Little Twerp. Of course, they did. He was a Yankee. Whether Betty Sue and Big Al Fresco liked it, New York just didn’t give a damn. It was almost a tie.

Pennsylvania matched up the Eagles fans with Steeler Nation. Steeler Nation went for the Weazel Sneeze guy. Philadelphia was Little Twerp country. Pennsylvania ended up being a draw.

By the time the polls closed in the Central Time Zone, both candidates were tied in delegates. Texas overwhelmingly went for Weazel Sneeze. They liked his man of the people approach. Colorado went pink and voted Little Twerp all the way. In the history of Presidential Elections, no one had seen such a race. The nation was waiting with baited breath. It was going to take something to get one candidate or the other over the top.

While all this was going on, Little Twerp sat in the Residence of the White House with the President and watched. Before it was over, L T had pretty near bitten off every fingernail on his hands and a few toenails too.

P F went to bed early and snored away the election results. After all, he could ignore none of the people none of the time. He could ignore some of the people some of the time. He could ignore all the people all the time. As he snored away, he had the best dream. He dreamed Bessie Mae Hogg won the world hog championship. He lay there in his big hotel bed and his face glowed with his smile. It was all he wanted.

He really didn’t want to be president. Sure. He might have his own song. He would love people standing when he came into the room. He wasn’t averse to having his own personal airplane. And free room and board for four years. That sounded real good.

But there were all those presidential problems. Like pronouncing those foreign leaders’ names. That was a big one. And having to play golf. Every President since Truman had played golf. P F didn’t much care for golf. And he didn’t much care for the fact that he would be the butt of every joke in the lower forty-eight, and Alaska and Hawaii too.

He just didn’t want to disappoint Betty Sue Pudding. It was what she wanted. And she wanted it desperately. He just wasn’t sure it was for him.

As Betty Sue sat in her own living room, flipping back and forth between the Big News Guy and the Anchorman Who Knew Just About the Entire Encyclopedia Britannica, her nerves were about to have one of them nervous breakdowns.

Finally New Mexico went Weazel Sneeze and so did Utah. Arizona was still up for grabs as the News programs bypassed it and headed out to California. Little Twerp carried California. With that, it looked down right hopeless. Then the tide turned.

Oregon and Washington State went whole hog for P F Sneeze. The election boiled down to two states, Alaska and Hawaii. If either state went for Little Twerp, it was over. The Do Naughties would be out of power for Four More Years.

All because of those darn muffins.

Next Week And The Winner Is

4 thoughts on “Politics in America 25: The States Speak

  1. What a cliffhanger this is. I’d vote for any candidate who could sleep through the election results. An uneasy sleeper myself, I admire those who get it going no matter what the circumstances.

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