Politics in America 25: The States Speak

It was not Florida that was the problem. Florida had passed with flying colors. Weazel Sneeze won it and then some. It was not the South either. P F Sneeze carried the South with plenty of votes to spare. New England went for Little Twerp. Of course, they did. He was a Yankee. Whether Betty Sue and Big Al Fresco liked it, New York just didn’t give a damn. It was almost a tie.

Pennsylvania matched up the Eagles fans with Steeler Nation. Steeler Nation went for the Weazel Sneeze guy. Philadelphia was Little Twerp country. Pennsylvania ended up being a draw.

By the time the polls closed in the Central Time Zone, both candidates were tied in delegates. Texas overwhelmingly went for Weazel Sneeze. They liked his man of the people approach. Colorado went pink and voted Little Twerp all the way. In the history of Presidential Elections, no one had seen such a race. The nation was waiting with baited breath. It was going to take something to get one candidate or the other over the top.

While all this was going on, Little Twerp sat in the Residence of the White House with the President and watched. Before it was over, L T had pretty near bitten off every fingernail on his hands and a few toenails too.

P F went to bed early and snored away the election results. After all, he could ignore none of the people none of the time. He could ignore some of the people some of the time. He could ignore all the people all the time. As he snored away, he had the best dream. He dreamed Bessie Mae Hogg won the world hog championship. He lay there in his big hotel bed and his face glowed with his smile. It was all he wanted.

He really didn’t want to be president. Sure. He might have his own song. He would love people standing when he came into the room. He wasn’t averse to having his own personal airplane. And free room and board for four years. That sounded real good.

But there were all those presidential problems. Like pronouncing those foreign leaders’ names. That was a big one. And having to play golf. Every President since Truman had played golf. P F didn’t much care for golf. And he didn’t much care for the fact that he would be the butt of every joke in the lower forty-eight, and Alaska and Hawaii too.

He just didn’t want to disappoint Betty Sue Pudding. It was what she wanted. And she wanted it desperately. He just wasn’t sure it was for him.

As Betty Sue sat in her own living room, flipping back and forth between the Big News Guy and the Anchorman Who Knew Just About the Entire Encyclopedia Britannica, her nerves were about to have one of them nervous breakdowns.

Finally New Mexico went Weazel Sneeze and so did Utah. Arizona was still up for grabs as the News programs bypassed it and headed out to California. Little Twerp carried California. With that, it looked down right hopeless. Then the tide turned.

Oregon and Washington State went whole hog for P F Sneeze. The election boiled down to two states, Alaska and Hawaii. If either state went for Little Twerp, it was over. The Do Naughties would be out of power for Four More Years.

All because of those darn muffins.

Next Week And The Winner Is

Uncle Bardie’s Movie of the Week: Mowgli and the Gang

Once a week on Monday, Uncle Bardie shares a movie with his Readers he gives a big two thumbs up. It will simply be a short excerpt or a trailer. Uncle Bardie might even throw in a reflection on the movie. If so, it will make an appearance below the video. So pop some popcorn and give yourself a treat. This week’s movie is Disney’s “The Jungle Book” (2016):

As most of you know, I am not much for remakes. When I saw that Disney had remade “The Jungle Book”, I was pretty positive I didn’t want to see it. Then I saw the trailer on You Tube and I go, “Why not? It can’t be all that bad.” After all, Walt and his animators had given us a good animated version in the sixties. I even remembered the song, “The Bare Necessities”, sung by Phi Harris.

But this one was going to be a live action movie. I have seen the other live action versions, even the Sabu, and I wasn’t all that impressed. And the recent live-action Disney movies I haven’t care for. I am not talking about the Marvel ones or the Star Wars. I am referring to “John Carter”, “The Great and Powerful Oz” and “Maleficent” which were made by Disney Studios under the Disney banner. Though I did enjoy Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland”, mostly they underwhelmed me.

Finally Disney has produced a really good live action movie. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, to complain about with this new “Jungle Book”. Director Jon Favreau has given us a terrific movie.

Movies live or die based on the story. It’s not the cgi or the music or the actors. It’s the story. Director Favreau has not forgotten that. And he has a great supporting cast. Ben Kingsley is Bagheera, the Panther. Idris Elba is Shere Khan, the Tiger. Scarlet Johansson is Kaa the Snake. Christopher Walken is King Louie, the Monkey King. And Bill Murray gets to sing “The Bare Necessities” as Baloo the Bear. Also this was Gary Shandling final movie. He plays Ikki the Porcupine.

Recently I have seen two amazing performances by child actors. Jacob Temblay turned in a great performance as Jack in “Room”. “Jungle Book” gives us Neel Sethi. He is absolutely fearless as Mowgli, the boy who was adopted by wolves. On top of all that, Favreau gives our eyes a visual delight of a jungle.

There’s not much else I can say about this one. Except see it. You might just find yourself enjoying it as much as I did.

Male Psychology

This here post is addressed to my female readership. Since I am a male myself, I am an expert in male psychology. I have advanced degrees to prove it. When I say, advanced degrees I don’t mean ph.ds. And I am not talking senility either though there are those who would state otherwise. I mean I do get, “I don’t know how your mind works.” Modern science has no answer to that one. I’ve been studied by the best. To state the obvious, I am a long time card carrying member of the male persuasion. So I think that qualifies me as an expert.

If I were writing a rule book on the male persuasion, there would be some items on the list I’d like to cover.

1.Males like to fix things. The bathroom sink. The car parked in the driveway. We may not be good at it but we will always give it the old college try. We especially love to fix our lady love’s problems. The moment our beloved says she is having some challenges with work, we’ve already stopped listening. We’re taking a mental looksee at “The Art of War” to see which strategy fits the situation.

2.When it comes to sports, there isn’t a sport males don’t love. ESPN puts a tiddly-winks championship game on and we’re there in front of the tv, rooting. You ought to know how true this is by the number of us who watch golf.

3.Males will do anything to help our team win. Wear dirty undies for six months. Stand on our head. Anything.

4.Males believe we were given an internal gps when we were born. It may not be true but there is no way we males will be dissuaded from this believe. This obsession with direction  is written into our dna.

5.If your male pet says “Huh”, it is not because he isn’t listening. It’s that he is listening a little too much. We need an interpreter for female-speak. So we are praying desperately to the great god Huh to interpret for us or unconfuse us.

6.When you ask your male, “What are you thinking” and he responds, “Nothing,” believe him. He isn’t thinking about something someone said this morning. He Isn’t thinking about the thing you just said. He isn’t even thinking about Donald Trump. He is not thinking anything. Once upon a time there were questions about this comeback. Then the NIH and the CDC saw this as a challenge. To find out the truth. They got together and funded a study conducted by over a hundred academic institutions. It was such a massive study thousands of men were experimented upon. The experimentalogists  poked and cajoled and massaged, they isolated and scanned and questioned. Finally they had their answer. There was nothing there inside the male brain to make any investigator believe the male was thinking anything but nothing most of the time.

7.Modern science, after years and years of speculation, has discerned that the male brain is not evolving. Rather, it is devolving.

8.Never, ever try to persuade a man that he doesn’t know what he is talking about. Of course, he doesn’t know. And he knows that he doesn’t know. But he will never admit it. It is a point of pride.

I hope this has clarified questions some of you have been asking for years. Memorize these seven rules on male behavior and live by them and your relationship with your male pet will run smooth.

“Eight rules,” you say. “Not seven.” Now there you go, correcting a male. Don’t you know we males don’t take correcting very well? While I wait for you to apologize, I do believe I will go into my corner and do some pouting.

Uncle Bardie’s Weekly Music Pick: The Girl from Ipanema

It’s Thursday again. You know what that means. Uncle Bardie’s Weekly Music Pick. Uncle Bardiie gives a double thumbs up to this week’s selection: Astrud Gilberto, João Gilberto and Stan Getz performing “The Girl From Ipanema”:

If you look up “cool” in your dictionary, you will find Astrud, Jao and Stan performing this song. Oh, your dictionary doesn’t feature this song as “cool”. There is something wrong with your dictionary, because this is the absolute coolest. As Kookie would say, “It’s the gitchiest.” Man, that is some kind of C O O L.

Politics in America 24: Election Day

“Find the campaign workers and give each one a glass of  whiskey,” Betty Sue Pudding instructed Big Al Fresco. “That will get them through the day. And do it fast. We don’t have time to waste.” When it all started, she had hated this run of P F’s for the Presidency of the United States of America. Lately she had been enjoying the attention she was getting a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot.

“Damn you, Betty Sue,” Big Al cursed like he never cursed before.

“Save your damn-yous for late. We have work to do. So roll up your sleeves and get to it.”

Big Al knew Betty Sue was right. It was not a time to cry over spilt milk. It was spilt and that was all there was to it. He hung up the phone and headed for the nearest liquor store. On his way, he started making calls as his driver sped toward the “Whiskey for everyone” Liquor Store.

By noon, all the campaign offices across the U. S. of A. were buzzing with activity. If a worker started hurting, he grabbed the nearest whiskey bottle and took a snort. Little did anyone know what Betty Sue knew. That the cure was worse than the disease. But she also knew they had to get through the Election Day intact. Let tomorrow take care of itself. That was when all hell would break loose with the campaign workers’ heads. They were about to have the worst hangover anybody had ever seen. But that would come the next day. They had to get through this day with some dignity.

Rush, rush, rush. That was the order of the day as campaign workers made phone calls, knocked on doors, gave out five dollar bills to overcome the Resistance.

Betty Sue and Big Al checked the news to see who had won the Dixville Notch, New Hampshire vote. Little Twerp had won by one vote. With that, they realized that it was going to be a long night ahead. They buckled themselves and kept at working the phones and getting out the vote and keeping their fingers crossed.

In the Great Scheme of Things, you ain’t a darn thing you can do to change fate. All you can do is your best when you end up with pie in your face. But it ain’t purty. That was the thought that kept running through Betty Sue’s head. She got on the phone and told P F to get out and shake a lot of hands.

If they were going out on a sad note, at least they’d go out with some dignity. When all was said and done, there was only one thing to do. And that’s exactly what Betty Sue Pudding did.

You’ve heard the old saying, “When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.” Instead of lemonade, Betty Sue hurried back to her house to make muffins. There was still time to save the election and she was going to do all she could. She was going to bake them finger-licking muffins and send them out to Little Twerp’s campaign. She had time. It was only one in the afternoon.

Fifteen minutes later, she had a big batch of muffins. Corn Cob Jones showed up and loaded the muffins into the Weazel Sneeze pickup truck for delivery. Within an hour there was UPS and FedEx trucks backed up at Betty Sue’s kitchen. She’d make those Little Twerp Twerpettes happy campers.

She sent out them muffins near and far to the Little Twerp campaign offices. Before you know it, the workers at Little Twerp Central were singing, “One Toke Over the Line”. They were having one hell of a party, getting stoned out of their ever-loving gourds. And they were not doing a lick of campaigning. Hallelujah!

The question for Betty Sue: Was it enough to change the direction of the election?

Next Week Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina