Recently I read the Book of Joshua in the The Old Testament. It inspired this story.
After Moses died, Joshua was put in charge of the Israelites. He’d been around since Egypt and he’d never given Moses any lip. It was always “Yes, Sir” and “No, Sir” and “How high, Sir?” He was a Libra and he could charm the pants off the most rebellious Israelite. On top of that, he put on the best shows. His “Forty Years in the Wilderness Without Any Pants (‘Cause Guys Wear Dresses)” was a real hoot of a musical.
So God knew He had His guy when Moses suggested Joshua would be perfect for the job. Joshua wasn’t so sure.
“Why don’t you go with Caleb?” Joshua suggested.
“You know how he is. He’ll go off and shoot himself in the foot. No, you’re My guy.”
“I’ll give it a try but–”
“I have just the thing. Roll up your sleeve, Josh.”
“What for, Sir?
“I’m going to give you a shot of self confidence.”
“You know I don’t like needles.”
“There. Did that hurt?”
“A little bit.”
“Let me kiss it and it’ll be all better.”
“Well, okay. Do I get a lollypop?”
God kissed the boo-boo, then handed Joshua two lollypops.
“My favorites,” Joshua said. “Root beer and Wild Strawberry. Yummy.”
After a late night with the Almighty, Joshua went back to camp. He gathered everybody and said, “I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”
“What’s the good news?” Levi called out.
“The good news is we’re going to kick some Canaanite butt.”
“Aw right,” the crowd cheered.
Never one to take good news well, Judah shouted, “So what’s the bad news?”
“It’s not really bad,” Joshua holding back.
“C’mon,” Levi said. “We can take it. After all, what can be worse than the manna we’ve been eating for forty years. We’re ready for some of that milk and honey.”
“Yeah,” Reuben yelled. “Especially that honey part.”
“Okay, guys,” Joshua said. “You asked for it. We have to let our pee pees go.”
Boos went through the crowds. If this had been a movie, the soundtrack would have been playing Bob Dylan and “Everybody must get stoned.” Them Israelites had rocks in their hands and they were ready to rock ‘n’ roll.
“C’mon, fellas,” Joshua pleaded. “It’s for a good cause. After all, there are no free rides.”
“I knew there had to be a catch,” Judah said. “After all, it’s Friday the 13th. On top of that, it’s a full moon.”
“Yeah,” Reuben grimaced, “But circumcision. That’s gonna hurt.”
“So who’s going to do the deed?” Levi wanted to know. Not happy but still he was a Levite. And Levites were God’s Guys.
Joshua hesitated, then said really slow-like, “Brad.”
“Brad!” Judah, Levi and Reuben let out. “Not Brad.”
A roar went out from the crowd like an echo, “Not Brad.”
“He’s the only one with a knife,” Joshua said. “The rest of you have swords. And I gotta tell you, ain’t nobody going to take a sword to my…well, you know.”
“But Brad is blind as a bat,” Reuben said.
“And cross-eyed to boot,” Judah added.
“The Almighty’s got you covered on those two things,” Joshua said. “Brad’s got glasses now.”
“But what if he misses?” Reuben asked. “Even with glasses?”
“Let’s just say you’ll be eunuch,” Joshua said, then, “I’m going to need some of you guys to volunteer for trumpet lessons. We’re going to have a big performance at Jericho.”