Tonight Hollywood will walk down the Red Carpet and let us ooo-and-awe at the egos going past the cameras. Those egos will be following a tradition that goes back to the Way Back When. They’ll be walking in the footsteps of Bogie and Marilyn and Dietrich as they make their way to the seats reserved just for them. We’ll see women in dresses with most of the parts missing. And so stiff the women can hardly sit down in them.
We’ll see a lot of speeches which will go on way too long and say absolutely nothing. But maybe will get some speeches we really want to hear. And in case you’re wondering, here is a preview of some of the speeches we may hear.
Best Picture Producer: Thank God. Now I can make my money back. I will never hire that director again. Everything he touches turns into manure.
Best Director: How would you like to be stuck on an island for two months with the cast and crew I had to work with?
Best Actress: I knew I was mahvelous in this film. (Notice. They never call it a movie.) Of course, I am always mahvelous. Especially when I look mahvelous. Aand I did look mahvelous in this film..
Best Actor: Just a second. (He takes out a mirror and checks himself out. He spends a full minute admiring himself. Then he sighs.) I have to admit I am one handsome guy. No wonder I have so many female fans. If I wasn’t me, I would be after me.
Best Supporting Actress: How come I never get nominated for Best Actress? I do all the work. She gets all the credit. The Bitch.
Best Supporting Actor: Finally.
Best Screenplay: (Shaking his fist at a director.): I’m going to kill that s. o. b. of a director for taking my awesome screenplay and dragging it through the dirt.
Best Makeup: Do you know how hard it was to take the ugliest cast ever and make them even uglier?
Best Costume: Can you believe some of the dresses worn tonight? And they are all my creations.
Best Song:This makes up for not winning the Grammy.
Best Editing: Has anybody seen the missing eighteen minutes?
Best Documentary: Smile. You’re on Candid Camera.
Best Foreign Film: How do you say “You like me” in Japanese?
Best Special Effects: Isn’t it amazing that I could make that hamburger look like a real hamburger?