From the time we are born, we males have one goal in life. To hit the target. Unfortunately it is not as easy as it seems. Believe me, I have tried. ‘Course I must admit, my whizzing score is much better than my bowling score.
I have about a ninety-five percent. Now if that was a baseball statistic, it would mean that I am batting .950. No player in the history of baseball has batted that well. The best anyone ever did was Tip O’Neill in 1887 when he played for St. Louis, and Ted Williams was the last one to have a .400 season. I can assure you I am no Ted Williams in the whizzing department.
From the day we guys are born, we practice every chance we get. By the time we enter kindergarten, we have had at least 5475 chances to hit the nail on the head and have a bull’s eye. I am looking at the low side of things. Most of us whiz more times than that.
So we get a lot of chances to practice before we go pro. And even more chances before we hit the majors. But very few of us can be considered the whizzing version of Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods, though it is a worthy goal. I checked the Guinness Book of World Records. Thus far, no entry for whizzing.
One of the things to consider for a whizzing entry in that illustrious almanac is the size of the playing field. There are standards that must be set. Just what might the dimensions for professional whizzing be? But first, we have to decide whether the player will whiz into a hoop (commode) or a basket (urinal). Personally I am in favor of the net. Once the goal is set, it must be established how far from the net the whizzing line will be. Three feet from the basket for the amateurs and four feet for the pros. That sounds about right. As you can see, size does matter.
Once the rules have been established, it will only be a hop, skip and jump before every Tom, Dick and Harry are competing. Pretty soon there will be Little League Whizzers. There will be Minor League Whizzers. Then the Bigs. Who knows? There may even be a Fantasy Whizzing League. That way the ladies can participate.
Before you know it, we’ll have ourselves a World Championship. Time and place to be determined later. One thing is for sure. It will be an American who will win the first Whizzer. Sure, the Canadian Maple Leaks, the German Pissoirs and the Russian Whizz Bangers will give us a run for our money. There’s no doubt about it. But it’s going to be the American Six Shooters all the way. One thing I do know. The Russians won’t even get the bronze. They will be performing a putin. I can imagine how pissed off they will be since that is no strategy at all.
There is the suggestion that whizzing become an Olympic sport, that it join the Olympics in 2024. There has been a lot of opposition too. But why not? If cow tipping and alligator rolling can be Olympic sports, why not whizzing?
So line up, boys, and whiz one for the Gipper. It’s the patriotic thing to do. The qualification matches are coming to your town soon. Look for the announcement on a Facebook page near you. Tip off time will be getting here sooner than you think.