Head Over Heels

This one is for Valentine’s Day and all the true believers in love and romance.

When I was in college, I had the Experience, or should I say the Experience had me. She was twenty-two and I was nineteen. She was studying for her masters in anthropology but her real major was adventure.

I was at a party some of my friends had given. She shimmered in, a warm glow flowing into the room. As she made her way toward me, it was as if a moon beam was falling toward a lake. I knew how the lake must feel, waiting in anticipation. Suddenly there she was, telling me her name. It was Hemingway. It wasn’t that her father liked the writer. Her mother just liked the name.

I was head over the precipice, my heels unable to hold me to the ground. We talked for a bit. Then we left, her magic leading me onward the way that Tinkerbell must’ve led Peter to Never Never that first time when he longed to stay a boy forever. We went out that door and stood in the middle of the street kissing for a half hour under the full moon. Right there and then I understood why that Prince went in search of Cinderella though he had only her one shoe by which to find her. How could he have not?

Over the next twenty days my life was filled with life. We were inseparable. We went sailing, canoeing, kayaking and surfing. She even got me to parachute out of a plane. But the scariest time was when she took me hang-gliding. During the day we did a new something-or-other that she had always wanted to do. At night we made love, sometimes wild and passionate, other times tender. It was as if heaven had somehow come down to earth and surrounded us with all its wonder.

Then she was gone. I woke up in the bed in my apartment early on the day after Valentine’s. I turned over toward her to kiss her a good day, a smile on my face. I was the luckiest man on earth. But, instead of her dark brown hair with even darker brown eyes, I saw a note.

Thank you, Trent, for all the wonder. It has been a grand adventure these past weeks. I love you but this can’t go on. I can’t take anymore of this happiness. When I met you that night, it was to be the last night of my life. It was only an accident that I came there. A friend had called me up at the last minute and asked me to come. I was about to end my life when I walked through that door and saw you, the most beautiful face I had ever seen. There was so much magic in it. I could never have imagined how beautiful life could be. But now I know and I thank you for what you gave me. Hem.

I searched for her but never saw her again. After a year of dead-ends I finally gave up. It was then that I realized that Happily Ever Afters don’t exist. But fairy tales do.

Fifth Anniversary Story: Go West, Young Women

This is my Fifth Anniversary. I started Uncle Bardie’s Stories &  Such on August 11, 2013. So I give you this story to celebrate.

Two women on a motorcycle flew down the highway, heading west through a sparse landscape. Both in their early thirties. Pill, the short haired brunette, piloted the beast. Cal, short for Calico, rode on the back, her arms wrapped around the pilot. Her long white hair rippled in the breeze.

Pill’s butt hurt. And it wasn’t just her butt. It was the bugs and the heat and the dry skin. But it was worth all the trouble, getting far away from their exes. As far away as they could from the scumbags after the women cleaned out their bank accounts. The two had ridden for three days. At night, they’d pull up at some fleabag of a motel and crash.

Finally, Pill had had enough. She pulled into a small town and rode up to a diner on the main street and parked.

“We got to keep going,” Cal said.

Pill slipped herself out of Cal’s arms and off the bike. “I’m done. Those s.o.b.s can catch us for all I care.”

“But they’ll kill us.”

“Let them try.” Pill pulled out a .45 from the saddlebag and slipped it into a holster at her back. “Let’s get something to eat.”

She went to open the door, then saw the man in his late twenties with a Stetson on his head. “What are you looking at?” she said.

“I’m looking at you.”

“You’re going to go blind.”

“Great way to go if you’re the last thing I see.”

Pill smiled like she was up for the game, then ran her hands up and down her body. “So you’d like some of this.”

“Don’t.” Cal’s voice had a whimper to it.

Pill glared at her companion. “You don’t like it you can get off and walk. I’m ready for a good time.” Then back to Cowboy. “You have a friend?”

“Sure do.”

“Then let me buy you breakfast.”

“’Bout time you offered.” Cowboy pulled the door open to let Pill and Cal go in. “I’m–”

Pill put her palm against his mouth. “Did I ask your name?”

“You didn’t.”

“Then shut up. Let’s eat. I’m hungry.”

“Well, praise Jesus,” Cowboy said. “Nothing I like better than a woman in tight jeans and a mouth on her. We’re going to have some fun.”

The waitress guided them through the crowded room over to a corner booth.

“All I can say,” Pill said, “is you had better not be all talk.”

The waitress gave her a “you’re going to hell” look.

Pill saw it and said, “Take back that look or your tip will be as dry as the Mojave.”

The waitress choked her look down, then said under her breath. “Sorry.”

“That’s better.” Pill slipped into the booth.

Cal took her place beside her companion. Cowboy made himself comfortable on the other side of the table.

“Y’all want coffee?” the gray-haired waitress asked, pulling out her pad.

Pill was the first. “I could use a beer.”

“Three beers,” Cowboy ordered, not waiting for Cal.

Then Pill laid her order out to the waitress. “A big stack of cakes with lots of syrup. And three eggs.” She leaned over toward Cowboy. “I’m going to need the protein.”

Cowboy grinned. “Yes, ma’am.”

Cal followed with her order. “Two eggs, grits and bacon.”

Cowboy said, “The same.”

The waitress headed off to the cook for their order.

Pill gave Cal a look. Then turned her look to Cowboy, “Hope your partner is as good looking as you.” She reached over and ran her hand up and down Cal’s arm. “My friend here has needs, you know.”

Cal nodded. “I do have needs.”

The bell above the diner door rang. Cal almost jumped. Pill didn’t move. Then Cal breathed relief. It wasn’t the exes. It was a tall blond fellow, wearing a straw hat.

He hurried over to the table. “Buck, what are you doing?”

Pill to Cal, “Think he’ll do?”

“Maybe,” Cal said.

Then Pill to Straw hat, “Quit your complaining and join your partner over there. You’ve got a maybe. You just might get a definite if you act nice. Right, Cal?”


Straw hat backed away. “Ain’t got time for this foolishness. Buck, are you coming or not?”

Buck smiled. “Like she says. Sit down. It’s going to be one hell of a day.”

“But we got that thing.”

“The thing can wait. We’ve got a couple of Guineveres here that need Lancelots.”

The waitress was back with three beers. She sat them on the table and said to Straw hat, “I suppose you’ll want to order.”

Buck did the ordering instead. “Just bring him what you’re bringing me.”

Resigned, Straw hat dropped to the seat beside Buck.

When the waitress was gone, Buck eyeballed Pill. “Now why don’t you tell me what you two are up to. Packing a .45 and all.”

Pill scrutinized the two for several minutes before making up her mind and answering. About the time she was ready to say her peace, the waitress came back with the food. She laid it out on the table.

Pill took up a fork and stabbed at the eggs. “Maybe I’ll tell, maybe I won’t. First I’m going to fill up on this here grub. Now eat.”

When they finished their food, Pill stood up, plumped down the money for the food along with a tip. “Saddle up, boys, and lead us to a good motel. It‘s time I got my money’s worth.”

On their bike following the men’s red truck, Cal leaned forward and whispered in Pill’s ear. “What are you up to?”

“You’ll see” was all Pill gave her as she pulled up next to the truck.

She jumped off the bike and went to the office for a key. Soon she led the others to a door. Cal brought the bags inside and dropped them on a chair.

“We’re going to take a long hot shower and wash off the dirt. You fellows sit yourself down and wait. Remember all things come to him who waits. You can wait, can’t you?”

The two men nodded.

Pill pulled off her blouse and slide down her jeans, then headed into the bathroom only wearing her panties. Then she stuck her head out the door and said to Cal, “You coming?”

Cal nodded.

Pill continued, “Oh, and don’t you boys touch nothing. If I find out you have, you’re going to be missing a third leg if you know what I mean.” She showed them her .45. “And I always hit what I’m aiming for. Capeech?”

The two men looked at each other wondering what they had gotten themselves into.

Fifteen minutes later a naked Pill walked out of the bathroom. Cal was behind her, drying herself.

“Well, why aren’t you in bed?” Pill asked.

“We–” Buck went to say.

“You what?” She turned to Cal. “Are these guys stupid or what?”

“I think it’s what,” Cal said and laughed.

The two men stripped down to their shorts and crawled under the covers, one to each of the beds.

Pill pointed her gun first at Buck, then at Straw hat. “I’m bored. Let’s see if we can party up this scene. Bucky, get under the covers with your buddy there.”

For the first time, Pill saw determination on Buck’s face. “I’m not moving.”

“Okay,” she said. Aimed the gun at his head and pulled the trigger. Click. “Darn, what did I do with those bullets?” Then she laughed. “Let’s see if the next one is empty.”

“Now, hold on,” Buck said, almost shouting.

“Now hold on yourself.” Pill pointed the weapon at his head again. “It’s time to pay the piper.” She studied his face for a minute or so, then let her hand with the gun fall to her side. Finally, she asked, “What are you two doing in this little town anyway? I know you’re not from here.”

Straw hat let their plans out. “We came to rob the bank. Damn it, Buck. We would have too if you had not gotten yourself up for some fun. You should have saved your fun.”

“Get dressed,” Pill said. “We’ve got some banks to rob.”

Straw hat said, “What?”

“What else would you expect from the Bonnies and Clydes?” Pill said and threw Buck’s clothes over to him.

“But what about? You know,” Straw hat said.

“Are you crazy?” Pill said. “We’re virgins.”

Buck turned red.

Cal laughed, then said, “Not really.”