Well, it’s another Mother’s Day. Uncle Bardie wants to send out his Happy to all you mothers. You done good.
Being the guy I am, I want to reveal a secret to all you mothers out there. I am just telling you, not your children. So let’s keep this on the q.t.
Since way back to Eve raising Cain, there is a motherly ritual every first time mother goes through. I know. You don’t remember it. Within twenty-four hours of the birth of your first born, the hospital staff hypnotize you and take you down to the hospital basement.
Now, I can hear many of you objecting. There wasn’t a hospital in Eve’s time. I just have one question for you. Were you there? Of course, you were not. So how would you know?
Anyway they push you down to the hospital basement. They put a set of headphones on you. Then you are instructed that you were brung here to equip you for what’s ahead when Junior goes amuck or daughter sticks out her tongue at you and yells and screams.
You will need some armor. Since words are the strongest armor, you are given words that will curl any kid’s hair when coming from Mom: They’ve worked since the beginning of time and they will work till the Big Bang takes us out.
Memorize these. You will need them.
1. When the kid misbehaves, just say, “Wait till your father comes home.”
2. When the kid won’t eat his veggies, it’s okay to say, “Think of all those kids starving in Ethiopia.”
3. If the kid comes back with they’ll send their share of the food to Ethiopia, don’t whack him. Just give him one of those drop dead looks and say, “Eat your vegetables. You’re going to need them where I am sending you.”
4. When your teenage daughter is smart mouthing, just comment, “Wait till you have a daughter of your own.”
5. It may not change her behavior, but later she will realize the curse that has been placed on her head. When she comes to you to beg it be removed, you will smile and say, “That’s nice, hon.”
6. Just when the kid comes out with a “I didn’t do anything”, answer, “This is for all the stuff I missed.”
7. To keep them on their toes, say, “Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident. You wouldn’t want to embarrass your mother with the funeral director, now would you?”
8. “You’re the oldest. You should know better.” Just because they should.
9. Another useful saying: “You won’t be happy until you break that, will you?”
10. If all else fails, say in a very quiet voice, “I brought you into this world. I can take you out.”
These are the most useful sayings. But there are more. Lots more.
They gave you a manual you had to learn in the next six or seven hours. Then they take you back upstairs. You wake up and wonder what happened.
Mom’s Skool, that’s what.
Happy Mom’s Day. You deserve it.