Theme Song

If yours truly had a theme song, this would be it. It should be sung to the tune of Jimmy Dean’s “Big John.”

1.He was a heck of a man
With a slight slight tan
Six foot none
And his hair was gone.
He was Don, Big Don,
Big Tall Don.

2.He wore a hat
To the right it tipped
And dark glasses too
So he wouldn’t catch flu.
He was Don, Big Don,
Big Tall Don.

3.He was a library clerk
And he loved to work
He came in at noon
Sometimes a little too soon.
He was Don, Big Don,
Big Tall Don.

4.He arrived at work one Monday day
Everything was thrown every which-a-way
He looked from side to side and all around
There wasn’t a clerk anywhere to be found
He heard a noise from a way far-off
A still small voice with an obvious cough
He went to the cabinet sitting in front
He pulled out a drawer and began his hunt.
He was Don, Big Don, Big Tall Don.

5.The voice he’d heard it was down in there
Where it was he couldn’t be sure
He reached on in and pulled himself through
The hole in the drawer fit like a shoe
He followed that sound deep deep down
Through the caverns and caves he followed that sound
When after a heck of a whole lotta feet
He found himself just about to retreat.
He was Don, Big Don, Big Tall Don.

6.The hole got smaller but the sound grew louder
So on he plunged and the tunnel got tighter
While up above the librarians stood
And listened the best that they could
For the Yodeling Don and the lost clerks
Trapped deep down in the depths of the earth
He kept on moving and moving on he went
Creeping and crawling through every little vent.
He was Don, Big Don, Big Tall Don.

7.Until upon a group he finally came
All stuck under a pile of books and magazines
Well he digged and he dugged and he digged real fast
The air in that tunnel surely wouldn’t last
He pushed and he pulled and he got a clerk out
Sent her above as the librarians gave him a shout
There were ten, twenty, thirty clerks or more
And pulling them out was like mining for ore.
He was Don, Big Don, Big Tall Don.

8.But out they did come one by one
And the books they fell ton by ton
Barely missing clerk by clerk until
There was only one clerk left to kill
Then Don had saved them all
He’d come to the rescue and didn’t stall
But now he was caught in the head
Banged by a ten pound book about lead.
He was Don, Big Don, Big Tall Don.

9.First he was stunned and then knocked out
As he fell to the floor turning about
They came crashing upon him they fell
As the last rescued clerk crawled through the shell
Of an underground that was all blocked off
By all those books that had fallen rough
Upon the man they’d known as
Don, Big Don, Big Tall Don.

Fifty Shades of —–

Here are some forthcoming movie titles for America’s favorite couple:

Fifty Shades of Green: Ana just can’t decide what color her dress should be.

Fifty Shades of Giggles: Ana sees Christian with no clothes on and all she can do is laugh.

Fifty Shades of Grunting: Ana is preparing for the Boston Marathon.

Fifty Shades of Groundhogs: Ana visits Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, and sees her shadow.

Fifty Shades of Greenways: Remember that time Christian took Ana golfing. She went for the caddy.

Fifty Shades of Gridlock: Ana and Christian in NYC traffic. Next time they take the subway.

Fifty Shades of Guffaws: Ana learns that Christian has the weirdest laugh.

Fifty Shades of Grits: Ana goes south for the summer, y’all.

Fifty Shades of Grime: Christian just can’t get his Rolls Royce clean.

Fifty Shades of Grub: Ana really can cook.

Fifty Shades of Grass: Ana and Christian move to Colorado.

Fifty Shades of Grades: Ana’s professor says, “Well, that really isn’t a D. It’s a shade off a D. If you look at it in the right light, it could be a C.”

Fifty Shades of Grumpy: Ana has spent all day preparing Mr. G’s favorite meal. He comes home and starts in. Ana says, “Oh, did we have a bad day.”

Fifty Shades of Goofing Off: Christian and Ana get a night just to kick back, have some pizza and watch “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

There you have it. It’s only the beginning. Hollywood is looking for more ideas for Fifty Shades of You-Know-What. Got any ideas?

I married her in the autumn

Another Uncle Bardie lyric

I married her in the autumn,
I divorced her in the fall,
She had a drinking problem,
Dr. Pepper as I recall.

It was Dr. Pepper in the morning,
Dr. Pepper at noon,
Dr. Pepper in the evening,
She was a Dr. Pepper fool.

It was Dr. Pepper in her office,
Dr. Pepper when she texted,
Dr. Pepper on vacation,
Dr. Pepper when we had sex.

It was Dr. Pepper in our closets,
Dr. Pepper in our pool,
Left no place for a thing
That wasn’t Dr. Pepper cool.

Now as I look back at my life
One thing I cannot abide,
To be told that I will have
Dr. Pepper for my bride.

Uncle Bardie’s Spotlight Creator: Danny Kaye Conducts an Orchestra, etc.

Once a week on Friday, Uncle Bardie celebrates the creativity in others by shining a Spotlight on a movie, a song or a creator. This week’s Spotlight Creator is Danny Kaye:

A great performer will leave you breathless. This is how Danny Kaye left me when I saw him conduct an orchestra. And I might add, on the floor laughing. It must have been a Danny Kaye viewer who invented the term ROFL.

Danny Kaye, the group singer.

And who else could have played Hans Christian Andersen other than Danny Kaye.

Not only was Danny Kaye a great talent. He was generous as well. The money he made from conducting went to the musician’s retirement fund. In addition, he was the first Goodwill Ambassador to UNICEF.

So it’s my great pleasure today to honor Danny Kaye as Uncle Bardie’s Spotlight Creator.

Carl Reiner’s tribute

Uncle Bardie’s Spotlight Movie: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

Once a week on Friday, Uncle Bardie celebrates the creativity in others by shining a Spotlight on a movie, a song or a creator. This week’s Spotlight Movie is “Dr. Strangelove, Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb” (1964):

Once upon a time there were two great powers in the world. The United States and the Soviet Union, better known by its nickname, “The Evil Empire” or simply the Ruskies. Ruskies is American for Russians. “Dr. Strangelove” takes a fond look at those long-ago times when there was a Cold War.

There are generals, and then there are generals. I love George C. Scott’s general. Especially when he confronts the Peter Sellers’ President. The President is trying to prevent a nuclear war with the Russians. He wants to bring the Russian ambassador to the Situation Room. Scott’s General confronts the President with a national security issue. “He’ll see the Big Board.” Now, we can’t have the Russians seeing the Big Board, can we?

It’s scenes like this that make “Dr. Strangelove” one of the funniest movies ever.