A Sailor and a Marine

Or should I say a Marine and a Sailor? Let’s just say two G.I.s. Two G.I.s walk into a bar. The Marine takes his seat on a stool at the bar. Orders a whiskey. Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable” is playing in the background. A Sailor joins him and says, “That’s me.”

The Marine turns to the Sailor and eyes him marine-like. “What’d you say?”

“That’s me.”

“Who?”

“The song. Beyonce’s Irreplaceable.”

“Oh. Me too. At least, that’s what my Captain says.”

“My Chief calls me Seaman Irreplaceable.”

The bartender sits the whiskey down in front of the Marine. Marine takes a look at the whiskey, then at the Sailor, then says, “You look like you need a drink.” To the barman, “Give my friend a drink.”

“Bacardi please.”

To the barman, “Here’s a man who knows his own mind. Me, I just drink whiskey. Don’t matter what brand. If it’s whiskey, it’s mine.” Then to the Sailor, “I must say that you’re a man of distinction.” Then he downs the whiskey.

“Why thank you, sir. I gotta say you ain’t so bad yourself. For a Marine, that is.”

Barman sits the rum down on the bar in front of the Sailor.

Marine raises his arm and salutes. “Twenty years now. Twenty years in the Corps.”

“Bring my friend another whiskey.” Sailor raises his glass to the Marine. “Thank you for your service.”

Marine says to the Sailor, “And thank you for your service.”

Sailor laughs. “Now that we got that out of the way.” Sailor downs his Bacardi and orders another. “Got a joke.”

Whiskey glass full now, Marine says, “Oh, you do. Bet I’ve heard it before.” Downs the whiskey and orders another.

“Oh, yeah.”

“Two Marines walk into a bar.”

“No, not that one. Two Sailors walk into a bar.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s two Marines walk into a bar.”

The two stand up and take a real long gander at each other.

“Take that back,” Sailor gives the Marine, his eyes glaring.

Marine grunts a laugh. “Make me.”

Sailor fumes. “No, you make me.”

“I’m telling you once and for all. It’s two Marines walk into a bar.”

Sailor raises his fist and so does Marine. The bartender steps between the two. “Not in my bar,” he says.

“Oh, yeah,” the Marine and the Sailor throw fists into the barman’s face, just about breaking his nose. He falls onto the floor.

Marine looks at Sailor and laughs. Sailor laughs back.

“Let’s get out of here,” Marine says.

“Let’s do that. This ain’t no place for two gentlemen like ourselves.”

“I agree. Now where was I?” Marine asks.

The two walk out onto the street.

“Oh, yeah,” Marine says. “A marine and a sailor walk into a bar.”

“No,” Sailor says. “A sailor and a marine walk into a bar.”

 

Dirt on the Soles of My Shoes

Another pickin’ and grinnin’.

I got a bit of dirt
On the soles of my shoes.
Been trav’ling around.
Paying them dues.
Preacher hounding me
‘Bout what I’m done wrong.
Got a bit in his teeth
Of hell fire and brimstone.

I know I’m a sinner,
Sinning’s in my blood
Just like Old Man Noah
Who rode out that flood.
He was a drinking man.
The Bible tells us so
He could drink those boys
Under the table and floor.

There’s the hangover and there’s the hang under.
There’s the lightning and there’s the thunder.
There’s the magic and there’s the wonder.
But the promised land’s way over yonder.

Well, I take my blues
And I take ’em straight.
Not on the rocks.
I’m in a bad state.
A cat chasing his tail
Running ‘round and ‘round
Got no place fast.
I’m everybody’s clown.

You got heartaches,
Heartache’s my name.
If there’s a gray cloud
Bound to be some rain.
I never seem to learn.
I’m a sad sack case.
As plain as the tears
Running down my face.

There’s the hangover and there’s the hang under.
There’s the lightning and there’s the thunder.
There’s the magic and there’s the wonder.
But the promised land’s way over yonder.