Uncle Bardie’s Movie of the Week: A Swashbuckling Fool

Once a week on Monday, Uncle Bardie shares a movie with his Readers he gives a big two thumbs up. It will simply be a short excerpt or a trailer. From time to time, a reflection on the movie will appear below the video. So pop some popcorn and give yourself a treat. This week’s movie is “The Three Musketeers”.

“If you are going to swash your buckle, why not swash it for the Musketeers,” D’Artagnan advised his son. That is exactly what D’Artagnan Junior did. It was his heart’s desire to go off and become the latest in a long line of swashbuckling D’Artagnans to swash their buckles for the Musketeers.

On his way to becoming a full-fledged swashbuckling master of the Musketeer kind, he fought beaucoup number of fights, lost his virginity and had three or four duels. With Musketeers, of course. Only a Musketeer could duel a duel. Otherwise it was not much of a duel. It was a rout. No one else in all of France had enough umph to duel. Only a Musketeer had the duelling umph. ‘Cause that was what Musketeers had for breakfast. Umph with milk and a large mug of black coffee.

Since Musketeers hung their hats in Paris, it was off to Paree for our young D’Artagnan. In case your French ain’t so good, D’Artagnan means “From Artagnan”. In other words, he was from Gascony in Southern France down around Spain. It was a nice enough place to grow up. But if you wanted to be a Musketeer swashbuckler, Paree was the place to be.

That in itself is enough to get an ambitious young fellow into trouble. After all, he was a country bumpkin who dressed country-bumpkinish and rode a country-bumpkinish horse. Even if he did not look the part, he sure sounded like a hick. He would have benefitted from Madame Suzette’s Speak-Like-A-Parisian. And she, being partial to young swashbucklers, would have taught him the latest dance craze, the minuet.

But no, our young friend was of the impatient breed. Like the old saying goes, “when you gotta go, you gotta go.” D’Artagnan just had to go. To Paree, that is. So he was off to the Emerald City. Only they did not call it the Emerald City. It was The City of Lights. That’s ’cause it was well-lit four seasons a year just like Camelot by command of the king.

That is where it will be “all for one and one for all” in the 1993 version of “The Three Musketeers”. It’s got one heck of a heck of a cast. Chris O’Donnell d’Artagnans all over the place alongside Kiefer Sutherland, Oliver Platt and Charlie Sheen (in his better days). Tim Curry is the Tim Curriest Richelieu you ever did see. Rebecca De Mornay as the evil Countess D’Winter and Julie Delpy as D’Artagnan’s constant Constance just about makes a perfect cast. With a cast like this, you know the swashbuckling and the minuet are bound to be impressionnant.

In case you have a hankering for some swashbuckling your own self, remember to take some advice from a very wise man. “Use the Force, Luke, use the Force.” Or is that the Farce? I never can remember.

What swashbuckler do you think lives up to the name “swashbuckler”?

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Marie Antoinette

It was a real bummer
The French took her dog from her
And let her keep nothing from home at all

She was Marie Antoinette
And she really loved that pet
But she was at everyone’s beck and call

She was all German
But still determined
To learn to speak French as her duty royal

She was the dauphine
And soon to be queen
Of France until they watched her head roll and fall

Her job, to be pretty
And just a bit witty
A regular eighteenth century Barbie doll

Royal down to her toes
She wore the finest hose
And dressed to the nines for her garden strolls

They say she was spoiled
But nightly she toiled
To get the Dauphin to get on the ball

To give the king an heir
Or even a pair
But all that prince ever did was stall stall stall

Until late one night
They turned out the lights
The Prince gave the greatest performance of all

Underneath the sheets
He gave his queen a treat
Nine months later the doctor made a house call

“Holy smokes,” they said.
“The Prince is a dad
And Antoinette is our queen with her hair so tall.”

So she done her duty
And she done it truly
Then she spent the French out of home and alcohol

Down came the Bastille
Up the People’s will
And a budget that gave her no hat or carryall

They said goodbye to a queen
At the guillotine
Where Antoinette made her final curtain call

And now that you’ve heard
All that occurred
Do you think she deserved to lose that dog at all?