Halloween Decorations

Oh, it’s autumn and the trees surrounding the house are a flaming red. And so are the plants. That’s cause the sun is rising and impressing the world with its colors. There’s a stone walkway up to the porch and some chickens in the yard and the house is real homey. Yes, it is an autumn of a day. Just like Clint likes it.

Clint finishes his coffee, standing in the front yard. He’s trying to decide what Halloween decorations to do this year. Last year it was the Walking Dead. The house was all zombied up. Well, that’s not this year. He could go in for vampires. The problem with that is that a lot of other peeps do that.

What about witches? Especially the WWW, the Wicked Witch of the West. But the local coven wouldn’t be happy. They feel that it gives witches a bad rep. And Clint surely doesn’t want any evil spells tossed his way. He remembers that Macbeth spell. It got Mac into deep trouble, and that wasn’t good.

Killing the king was like killing a president. Only it wasn’t the Secret Service that went after him. It was the king’s relatives. It was a family feud. Not the TV game show but the Hatfields and McCoys, the Montagues and Capulets kind of feuding. And with swords and everything. So maybe he’d better lay off the witches this year.

Werewolves? Nobody had done werewolves in a month of Sundays. But werewolves didn’t have the sex appeal of vampires or witches. Then again that was because of all the p r attached to witches and vampires. If werewolves were given that kind of p r, they’d be sexy too.

Then it hit him. Why hadn’t he thought of it before. It was like the stroke of midnight, only it was late in the day. He would do up the house as Frankenstein’s castle. The Creature would hand out the candy to all the trick or treaters.

Clint goes back into the house to tell Alice. Yes, that Alice. The one from Wonderland. She’d gone down the rabbit hole and suddenly she was in a time travel machine. She met Clint, they fell in love, and that was that. Here they are this very day, living in the ‘burbs with their 2.5 kids, Candy and Dandy and Bitsy. Bitsy is the cute one. Clint fell in love with Alice’s English accent. Alice fell in love with Clint’s accent. That and it didn’t hurt that he was tall, dark and handsome.

“We’re doing Frankenstein this year,” Clint tells Alice.

She’s in the kitchen, making herself a cup of Earl Grey. She just can’t get through her day without a cup of tea. It’s in her English blood. If she were Irish, it would be Guinness but she isn’t.

“That’s a fine idea,” Alice tells her husband of ten years. “The kids will just love it. Perhaps we can see that film, ‘Meet Me in St. Louis’, to celebrate. There’s a wonderful Halloween scene. Would you like that?”

Clint still loves his wife. After ten years in the same house, he still loves his wife like they just met. Their love is like the Fountain of Youth. It keeps them young.

Clint takes Alice in his arms and they kiss like it’s their first kiss. It’s as if he’s her Prince Charming and she’s his Snow White. Only there’s no dwarves. There’s 2.5 kids but no dwarves.

They finish their smooching and then Clint describes the castle he has in mind.

“The kids are going to absolutely love that,” Alice encourages him. “Especially little Half Pint.” All in the fam call Bitsy Half Pint cause she’s the point-five kid. But they love her like she’s a whole person.

“Well, I’m off to the Emerald City to see the Wizard of Decorations. If I get there early, I might just get my discount.”

One last smooch and Alice says, “Don’t forget to tell Dorothy I send my love. I’ll give her a ring in a few days. I really am anxious to see Kansas but I just haven’t had the time lately.”

“Bye, Sweets,” Clint says.

“Bye, Yourself,” Alice says.

Then Clint’s in his 1968 red Mustang and on the Yellow Brick Road. He’s whistling and thinking, “It is so good to be a Munchkin.”

Halloween Brew

Happy All Hallows’ Eve to you and yours.

‘Tis a dark and stormy night

The vampires are out for a bite

And the ghosties on the prowl

Something out there’s smelling foul

While down in Zombie Town

There’s the howl of a devil hound

And deep in Castle Vlad

Frank ‘N’ Stein are in their lab

Mixing up their ghoulish stew

Stirring up that Halloween Brew.

On Transylvania Street

There’s a lot of trick or treat

As the jack ‘o lantern choir

In their Halloween attire

Walk the walking dead dance

Skeletons doing their scary prance.

The headless horseman rides

With his head held at his side

In the Grand All Hallow’s

Eve Parade and Spooktastic Show.

Under a full witching moon

Midnight’ll be here soon

Then at “The Pit and Pendulum”

They’ll gather with their ghastly grins

For the Ushers will be there.

A cask of Amontillado they’ll share.

They’ll spill their tell-tale hearts

Spinning tales of the darker arts

And the time of the Halloween Brew

When they drank F ‘N’ S’s stew.

Another year rolls around

And the dead sleep safe and sound.

Then October shall arrive

When the dead come alive

For another show and tell

Under autumn’s darkest spell

When the goblins take to the air

For the Great Halloween Affair

And more of that Good Stew,

A tall hot mug of Halloween Brew.

Hamlet: A Real Claudius Moment

“Lord, what fools these mortals be!” —Puck in A Midsummer Night’s Dream

For Hamlet’s plot till now, see Hamlet So Far.

Act 4 Scene 1. Claudius is in the throne room, kinglying all over the place. He’s got something to prove. Hamlet with his play has gotten to him. Now he’s got to get back his edge. The best way to do that is to throw his crown around.

“Servant, do this,” he says to one servant.

“You there,” he says to another. “Go get me something-or-rather.”

“Where is that Polonius?” he says to himself. “He’s never around when I need him.”

‘Course we know that Polonius can’t be around. He’s a corpse, boxed up and FedEx-ed to Doktor Frankenstein.

Gertie, the Queen, rushes in. Well, actually she doesn’t rush in. She’s a queen. She swishes in.

“My lord, what is that stink?” she says to Claudius.

“It’s the new cologne I am trying. It’s called It’s-Good-To-Be-The-King.”

Gertrude says, “It should be called P U.”

“My dear,” Claudius always called Gertie “my dear”. He liked the sound of it. “I have you know that it’s imported from Paris.”

“I see. So you imported Black Death from the sewers of Paris.” She takes out a big bottle of eau de coulogne and whiffed Claudius with it. “That’s better,” she says. Then she whispers, “Can you empty the room? I have news.”

“But,” Claudius is hesitant, “I am being king here. How can I be king if no one is around.”

Gertie smiles and blows in his ear. “You’re always king to me. If you know what I mean.”

Claudius definitely knows what she means.

“Everybody out,” Claudius commands.

The chamber empties.

“Rubber duckie time?” Claudius is getting excited.

“Not now. Later. After Hamlet leaves town.”

Claudius frowns, disappointed.

Gertie pats him on the cheek. “Sorry, sweetie.” Then she delivers the bad news. “Polonius isn’t Polonius any more.”

Claudius chokes. “Wh-wh-wh-at?”

“He got the P knocked out of his Olonius.”

“I hate it when that happens.” Claudius recovering.

“It’s curtains for him. Hamlet made him dead.”

“He didn’t.”

“He did. And he thought it was you.”

“Well, that’s not good.” Claudius frowns his best frown. It’s time to put a hit on this kid’s head and get him out of the way. He’s become nothing but a troublemaker big time. “I guess it’s England for him. At least, temporarily. Till everything cools down here.”

“He’s going to love England. Big Ben. Winchester Abbey. The Changing of the Guard. Buckingham Palace. Maybe the queen will give him the tour. He’ll love it. I’m sure.”

“So where’s the body?”

“Oh, he FedEx-ed it over to Doktor Frankenstein.”

Claudius thought, Smart lad. Always get rid of the evidence.