Today I want to write about hair. Or the lack thereof. I have lost most of the fuzz up on the lawn that is the top of my head. Seems much of it is missing in action. One could say that it has gone Hamlet on me. It just can’t make up its mind. Either go bald or grow some grass up there, I yell. I’m tired of maybe some hair.

Unfortunately my yelling, cajoling, pleading hasn’t helped. There are still a few weeds sprouting up on top of Ol’ Smokey. Mostly there’s nothing. At least, nothing to write home about. But I haven’t gone completely Yul Brynner. Yet.

A long time ago back in the way back yonders, I had hair dangling down to somewhere else. You know where, but I’m not saying. It wouldn’t be right in mixed company. I was one of those who could sing the anthem to “Hair”. The song that came out of the musical, celebrating the fun the hippies were having and all the rest of us were not having. Either we didn’t have the courage or the good sense. Now that I think back it was probably a bit of both.

As far as my hair goes, I think what happened is gravity took over, pulling the grass downward. My hair started going south. I shave and ten minutes later I have a faceful again.

So now I’m singing, “Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair. Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen. Give me down to there hair, shoulder length or longer.” Man, I miss all that hair flying in the breeze in a convertible with the top down. But don’t worry. I am not going George Castanza and wearing a toup. I’d be embarrassed to show my face in public. I do have my pride.

If the gods are not going along with my prayer of a song, the least they could do is complete the job with the head. I am ready for a Telly Savalas make-over. You know, completely, undeniably bald. Pretty soon, you would see me with that Telly lollipop he used to suck on in “Kojak”.

It might even increase my sex appeal the way it did with T. S. and Yul. A little sex appeal can only help a writer who wants readers for his blog and his books. That’s right, I have books and more books a-coming down the road. And it would be nice to have readers for them.

By the way, why isn’t there a theme song out there, celebrating baldness. It’s only right that we get both sides of the story. Sinéad O’Connor could sing it. Just one is all we ask. There are a lot of us who could use the encouragement.

And come to think of it, our beards could use a little of that support too. Need I remind everybody that one of our greatest Presidents had a beard. ‘Course that was after he went off and killed all those vampires. Guess all that vampire hunting made him too tired to shave.

A “guy walks into a bar” story

Harry sits on the stool at the end of the bar.

“So he comes into the bar,” the bartender offers.

“Yeah?” Harry says.

“He comes into the bar with that long hair reaching down to his butt. Tells me a big lion story.”

“Don’t you mean a big fish story?” Harry asks, then finishes his beer. He motions for another bottle.

“I would if it was a big fish he killed. But he says it was a lion. This lion, the size of Jericho’s wall, springs out of a nearby bush as he’s on his way to that Delilah’s house.” The bartender takes a MIchelob out of the refrigerator, pops the cap and passes it over to Harry.

“Yeah, I’ve heard about her. She’ll screw anybody in pants.” Harry takes a swig of the beer.

“Or kilts. Anyway this lion heads straight toward him. Sammy grabs the lion by the head and throws it on the ground. Then twists the cat’s head until it is d-e-a-d.”

Harry and the bartender laugh.

In walks Sammy with a huge lion’s head. He throws the head on the bar and smiles. “I’ll take a brewsky.”

The bartender pours Sammy a large beer and sets it on the bar. Sammy picks it up and throws his head back and chug-a-lugs the beer down. He slams the mug onto the bar.

“What’ll you give me for this here kitty’s head? Make me a good offer ‘cause Delilah wants an expensive engagement ring.”

The bartender goes and opens up his safe. He pulls out a big wad of bills and gives them to Sammy. The big galoot takes the bills and counts them and slides the head over to the bartender.

On his way out of the bar, Sammy shakes his head and says, “Geez, that Delilah has become so…so Kardashian.”

Bald Man’s Blues

A pickin’ and a grinner

I was having a bad hair day
And for me that wasn’t easy
All my hair had gone away
And the rest was feeling breezy

It was a big bad thing
When my head went lean
It was a big bad dream
When my hair left the scene

Once a shaker and a mover
Now two strands for a leftover
My hair’s nothing but a loser
And not much for a combover

It was a big bad thing
When my head went lean
It was a big bad dream
When my hair left the scene

When I checked the mirror
My hair was a big, big zero

All my bats were in the belfry
And the top of my head was thin
Pulled down by Old Man Gravity
My hair took it on the chin.

It was a big bad thing
When my head went lean
It was a big bad dream
When my hair left the scene