A Monday Xtra: Why Kindle is so Kindle-licious

I appreciate that many of you prefer physical books. But I have come to enjoy eBooks as well. The reason I am posting this is not to say eBooks are preferable to physical books. If you are reading, you are awesome. I am writing this simply to state that both have strengths and weaknesses.

So here are fourteen reasons I am happy with eBooks.

1. Convenience. I am one of those peeps who carry a book everywhere. I read them at lunch. I read them standing in line at the grocery store. Some books are too heavy to carry around. They can be thick and cumbersome. Not so with an eBook. The size and the weight are the same whether I have one eBook or fifty on my Kindle.

2. Reading at lunch. I have not found a place holder that would hold different sized books in place while I ate.

3. Reading faster. I am a slow reader. When I first got my Kindle, I immediately read five books on it. Then I read a physical book. An interesting thing happened. My reading speed increased. My reading speed increased to about 1/3 faster than previously.

4. I often read more than one book at a time. I can easily switch from Emma doing her matchmaking to Miss Marple solving a mystery to James Bond going after Goldfinger, then return to Emma and her new boyfriend.

5. The Kindle and other eReaders are designed to make reading easy on your eyes.

6. I don’t need to look for large print books. If it is on Kindle, I can adjust the font size and the margins.

7. Out-of-print books and books I could not find previously are now available.

8. Easy access to a dictionary. I click on a word in an eBook and the definition pops up.

9. eBooks are often less expensive.

10. For a writer, an eBook is a great way to send your work out into the world initially. Once a writer has built a readership, then that writer has some negotiating power.

11. For a publisher, an eBook is an opportunity to find out if a writer will have a readership. Before heavily investing in print costs.

12. Publishers can easily correct mistakes without having to create a new edition. Even reference book editors make mistakes or facts change. For instance, it could be that astronauts discover the world is truly flat or half round and flat on the bottom. Updating the facts in eBooks are as simple as upgrading to accommodate that information.

13. If you are upset over poor formatting by established publishers, I am too. I also get upset over some publishers throwing together physical books and having them fall apart after one or two reads.

14. And I have all that shelf space I used for books now available for other things like DVDs, plastic flowers, etc. I know I have way too many et ceteras. My closet is bursting with them.

Disclosure: Amazon did not make any contribution to me for these words.

20 Reasons Why Uncle Bardie is Old School

1.    When people say I am old school, they’re thinking I went to school with Socrates. Well, I did. He flunked philosophy.

2.   I am so old school, I gave Nero his first fiddle. Big mistake.

3.   I am so old school, I was Dracula’s original dentist. I’m sorry.

4.   I am so old school, I was Henry VIII’s divorce lawyer. Henry paid good.

5.   I am so old school, I am responsible for the Leaning Tower of Pisa. I just had to move that brick. It didn’t look straight. Well, it didn’t. After all these years, the Italians still won’t let me in their country. And they say an elephant never forgets.

6.   I’m so old school, I told Ben Franklin, “Go fly a kite.” When he did, he lit up like EPCOT on Christmas Eve. The good news: he came out a lot smarter. After that, he invented bifocals, the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. He even invented the kitchen sink. So people can now say, “Everything including the kitchen sink.”

7.  I am so old school, I convinced George Washington not to put “In George We Trust” on the money. It just didn’t sound right. By the way he did chop down the cherry tree.

8.  I am so old school, I knew Yankee Doodle personally. He was no dandy.

9.  I am so old school, They wanted to put my face on the one dollar bill. I told them no. I don’t like selfies.

10  I am so old school, I gave Abe Lincoln the stake when he went vampire hunting.

11.  I am so old school, I warned Custer those smoke signals were saying “No trespassing”.

12.    I am so old school, I told James Joyce where to put the periods. And the commas too.

13.   I am so old school, I started the rumor about the pony. You know the one that says, “There’s a pony in here someplace.” There wasn’t. I just like to watch people shoveling poop.

14.  I am so old school, I was the eighth dwarf, Sloppy.

15.  I am so old school, I was the model for Dumbo’s ears.

16.  I am so old school, I was the original Scarecrow in the “Wizard of Oz”. The director said it was typecasting and fired me because I didn’t have a brain.

17. I am so old school, I wrote lines for the movie “Gone With the Wind”. Clark Gable kept tripping over the original lines. So I gave him the line, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” To be frank, he really didn’t.

18.  I am so old school, I knew Keith Richards when he was sober.

19.  I am so old school, I started the rumor that Paul was dead. Actually he was. That’s his clone you see up there on stage.

20. I am so old school I know what “groovy” means.

Hamlet: 36 ways to respond to the Hamster

Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a
breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest;
but yet I could accuse me of such things that it
were better my mother had not borne me: I am very
proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences at
my beck than I have thoughts to put them in,
imagination to give them shape, or time to act them
in. What should such fellows as I do crawling
between earth and heaven? We are arrant knaves,
all; believe none of us. Go thy ways to a nunnery.
Hamlet Act 3 Scene 1.

For Hamlet’s plot till now, see Hamlet So Far.

Act 3 Scene 1 (continued). Last week we read that Hamlet told Ophelia, “Get thee to a nunnery.” That is a downright dirty thing to say to Ophelia. She is not Gertrude. She is Ophelia. It’s not her fault for the dastardliness going on in Castle Elsinore.

Oh, sure. She broke a date with him. Because her daddy and her big bro didn’t want her to date a prince. She broke the date in a nice way and she let the star of our show know she still cared for him. Hamlet went over the top. The things he said to her were not nice. Not nice at all.

Well, Uncle Bardie has a list of suggestions for an Ophelia response. Then maybe the Hamster would have calmed down and played nice.

1.    Get thee to an aviary. What you’re saying is for the birds.

2.    Get thee to a brewery. You need a drink.

3.    Get thee to a chum-mery. You could really use some friends.

4.    Get thee to a confectionery. Then you can eat your cake and have it too.

5.    Get thee to a creamery. Ice cream can work miracles on a bad day.

6.    Get thee to a debauchery. You’ve been sheltered way too long.

7.    Get thee to a dysentery. You’re way too backed up.

8.    Get thee to an eggery. You are laying a big one.

9.    Get thee to a fan-nery. You really need to cool down.

10. Get thee to a greenery. You are in such a black mood.

11. Get thee some hosiery. Then you will be fashionable.

12. Get thee to a hug-gery. You need a hug bad, and I’m not in a hugging mood.

13. Get thee to a humbuggery. You’ll fit right in.

14. Get thee some imagery. Then you can be Shakespearey.

15. Get thee to see Mick Jaggery. ‘Cause you ain’t got no satisfaction.

16. Get thee to a Larry. Or a Moe or a Curly.

17. Get thee to a laboratory. Frankenstein needs a new monster.

18. Get thee to a mopery. You’ll have some companionship.

19. Get thee to a notary. Maybe they’ll give you a seal of approval for bad behavior.

20. Get thee to a nincompoopery. You belong there.

21. Get thee to an owlery. You could use some wisdom.

22. Get thee to a perfumery. You’re starting to smell.

23. Get thee to a pharmacy. You need valium bad.

24. Ophelia: “Get thee to an office of psychiatry.”

Hamlet: “I suppose you’re going to bring up that Freudian slip thing, aren’t you? As you can see, I am not wearing a dress.”

Ophelia: “Or a hat.”

25. Get thee to a punnery and stop pun-ishing me.

26. Get thee to a quizzery. You’re asking too many questions.

27. Get thee to a revelry and have some fun.

28. Get thee to a summary. You talk too too much, saying the same thing over and over.

29. Get thee to a topiary. Edward Scissorhands is a real cut up.

30. Get thee to an umbery. You could use some color in your clothes.

31. Get thee some upholstery. Your apartment needs some dressing up.

32. Get thee to a villagery. You’ve been inside the castle too long.

33. Get thee to a winery. It doesn’t matter whether it’s red or white.

34. Get thee to xystery. Nothing like a scraping of the bones to cheer one up.

35. Get thee to a yadda-yadda-yaddary. They’ll appreciate your speechifying.

36. Get thee to a zootsuitery so you can look mahvelous. Simply mahvelous.