The April Fool’s Day Bride

Teri was a lovely bride. Mika had never seen any lovelier. Dressed in white from her shoes to the veil on her head, Teri made her way down the aisle, her train following two feet behind her. When she passed Mika, she turned toward her sister and winked that wink she had. It said that Teri had a surprise in store for her groom. Mika just knew that wasn’t good. Teri’s surprises could be extreme.

Teri had chosen April Fool’s Day for a reason. John, the groom, objected but Teri was adamant. “It’s that day or not at all.” Teri could be stubborn like that. John knew Teri’s sense of humor and the practical jokes she pulled. They were legendary. So he stood at the altar, anxious as all get-out. He wasn’t sure what was to come but he knew something was up. He just had to wait.

Teri’s parents knew trouble was on its way as well. So did the rest of the wedding attendees. Many were on pins and needles waiting for the axe to fall down. Others came just to see the surprise Teri had planned.

Teri reached the altar. Like the supporting actor he was, her father kissed his daughter on the cheek, then moved offstage. The couple said their I-doeses. The minister introduced the Mr. and Mrs. to the world, then the couple rushed down the aisle.

Mika gave a sigh of relief. Teri had held back on her surprise. Now it was on to the reception. That must be where Teri was to deliver her whammy. The wedding reception went smoothly, not any sign of a practical joke.

When the waiter brought in the wedding cake, Mika thought that this must be it. The cake would blow up, and there would be a mess everywhere. Mika managed to get to the back of the attendees just in case. The bride cut the cake, then the waiters laid slices of cake on plates and passed them out. Mika took a bite. The cake was delicious. Finally, it was time for the bride and groom to head for Hawaii for their honeymoon.

After they were gone, Mika asked her mom, “What just happened?”

“I don’t know. She’s not planning on destroying the honeymoon I hope.”

“I hope not too.”

“Poor John.” He mother shook her head.

Deep down there was terror in Mika and her mother’s hearts. They remembered Teri’s prom. She almost blew up the gym. She would’ve if her father hadn’t stopped her plans. They remembered how she had made her college campus news. Somehow she had switched every one of her sorority sister’s clothes around. It took weeks for each woman to get all her clothes back. The stunt had gotten Teri expelled.

On her first date with John, she had put jalapeno peppers in his chocolate mousse. After he calmed his mouth down, he had a good laugh over the incident. During their year of dating, Teri had given him a lot of good laughs.

Two weeks later, Teri and John came back from Hawaii. When asked, John commented, “I’m not sure what happened. But something’s coming. I just know it.”

Mika took Teri aside. “What’s going on?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

“The joke? When’s it coming?”

“Oh, that.” Teri laughed.

“You’ve got something planned. What is it?”

“Sometimes a joke is no joke at all.” There was that impish grin on her face.

“What?”

“I’m just saying,” Teri said. “One thing is for sure.”

“And what would that be?”

“He’d better remember our anniversary. Otherwise–let’s just say, I’m saving up.”

 

 

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Wedded Bliss

As Dave walked through the front door, he stopped in mid-whistle. Norah did not greet him with his coming-home kiss. Instead she stood in the living room with her hands on her hips. It looked like she was ready for combat.

“The bed was unmade,” Norah said to her husband. “Your bed was unmade.”

“Yes?”

“Why did you do that?” Anger was in her voice.

“I was in a hurry.”

“You wanted me to make your bed, didn’t you?”

“No. I would do what I used to do. I would make it when I got home. I’m home now. I’ll make my bed.”

“You’re turning into a husband. You know that?”

“Well, I am your husband. Why are you getting so upset?”

“Oh, I hate when you do that.”

“When I do what?”

“That smug tone in your voice.”

“What smug tone in my voice?”

“Oh,” Norah said frustrated, then she walked away.

Dave looked at her back. “What? No welcome home kiss?”

Norah turned and glared at Dave. “You know what you can kiss.” Then she left for the kitchen.

Dave went into the bedroom. Both twin beds were made. He walked back toward the kitchen. Then decided against it. This was no time to be near her. She might throw something. Most likely she would miss but why take chances.

Dave had fallen in love with Norah because of her passion. The thing was lately she was getting passionate over things that didn’t matter. Then he remembered his father’s advice. “It’s the little things that matter.”

Thinking about his father’s wisdom, Dave sneaked out the front door. Fifteen minutes later, he was back. He walked into the kitchen and said, “These came for you.”

Norah turned and saw the roses. She rushed into Dave’s arms. They kissed, then she said, “I’m sorry.”

Dave smiled and said, “I’m sorry too. From now on, I’ll make the bed.”

Recently, at their fortieth wedding anniversary, they were asked, “What makes a good marriage?”

Without thinking, Dave said, “Making the bed.”

The Three Monkeys

Marge looked at the three bronze monkeys her husband brought home and shook her head. “Just where are you going to put those?”

“In the living room?” Tiller had hope.

“Over my dead body,” Marge said, and she meant it. Ten years she’d been married to this fool and it was always the same. He’d find some piece of junk, bring it home and end up tossing it out because there was no way Marge was going to let the damn thing into her house. Just once, she wished he’d ask her first.

The thing was that this was one of the things she loved about Tiller. His attraction to odd ball things. Curioddities, she called them. Unfortunately, the curioddities were not something a woman would want in her house.

“But I paid good money for them.” Tiller thought he was using logic on Marge.

Marge wasn’t buying. “Get your money back.”

“I can’t. It was a no return policy. You buy it, you keep it.”

“Figures,” Marge said and went back into her kitchen.

She was baking bread, and the aroma of the bread eased out to the living room. Tiller loved Marge’s bread. Nobody could make bread the way Marge did. He sneaked up behind his wife as she was checking the bread and put his arms around her.

“Get out of here.” She turned and pushed him away. “You get rid of those monkeys or there’s no bread or anything else from Marge, you hear?”

Of course, he heard. He always heard. Just once why wouldn’t she give in?

Marge went back to her baking while Tiller lingered for a few minutes. Her back told him she meant everything she said.

But he wanted those monkeys. He wanted to keep them bad. What to do?

Tiller was not a man to give up on his dreams. That was how he’d gotten Marge to marry him. He’d wore her down with his persistence.

He went back into the living room, took another look at the monkeys and shook his head. Something must be done. That was when he made up his mind to do what he’d been thinking about for quite some time. It would be the perfect solution. He would have his bread and eat it too.

He went over to the front door and opened it. He stuck a chair under its knob to hold it into place. Then he walked over and picked up the first monkey. Damn, it was heavy. He lugged Monkey See out the front door. Then it was back for Monkey Hear and Monkey Speak. He carried them into the garage and closed the garage door.

Later in the day, Marge heard some banging from the back yard. She walked out onto the porch. Tiller was building something over in the corner of the yard. What was he building? A shed. Damn fool, she said to herself.

Marge was having none of this either. She hurried over and tapped Tiller on the shoulder. Her husband turned around to face his wife. She said, “Not in my back yard.” She went to turn but Tiller stopped her.

“It’s not in your back yard,” he said with a big smile on his face.

“What do you mean,” she said. There was no smile on her face.

“I mean it’s not in your back yard.”

“Of course, it’s my back yard.”

“No, it’s my back yard.”

Marge couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “What?”

“I bought the house behind us. And the shed is in my back yard.”

Charlie’s Hobby

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.

June loved Charlie, and June knew Charlie loved her. But June believed Charlie loved the beach more. Early every Sunday morning for the last ten years or so, he picked up his paints, his easel and his canvas and took off for the beach. Five days a week he traded stocks with a large brokerage. Saturday he spent with June and the boys. Sunday was his.

After doing that for almost a year, June became suspicious of her husband. His disappearance on Sunday bothered her. From time to time, she thought Charlie might be having an affair.

June hired a detective. The detective watched Charlie from sun up to sundown and more. For a month he did this.

“Nothing,” he told June. “Your Charlie is one the best husbands I’ve ever seen. He loves you as much as George loved Gracie and Rickie loved Lucy” So June went back to trusting.

For five more years, Charlie did his Sundays. The completed canvases were backing up in the garage. There were over a thousand.

Then one Sunday morning, June woke up late and there was Charlie beside her. Usually by the time she woke, he was gone. She woke him up and asked, “Are you sick?”

“No,” Charlie answered.

June worried about this all week long. She figured it was a one-time thing, so she let it alone. But he stayed at home the next Sunday, and the Sunday after that. All those years of Charlie going to the beach. She had gotten used to it. It had become such a routine. And now it was over.

This went on for two months and it was driving June crazy. Not the concern about Charlie and the beach kind of crazy. The kind of crazy from worry that something bad was getting ready to happen. That kind of crazy.

Everything was the same as it had been for years. Charlie went off to his job every Monday through Friday. Sunday nights and Wednesday nights he took out the garbage. Thursdays were poker night. Fridays were their date night, then sex afterward. All day Saturday, Charlie was helping out at the house or going with June to do this or that or the other. Nothing had changed. Except Sundays.

Finally June suggested Charlie go to see a therapist. Her friend, Ellen, suggested a Dr. Reid. Ellen knew everything about therapists. There wasn’t a mental illness she had not had over the years. Some woman on tv had depression, Ellen had depression. Some man had schizophrenia, Ellen had schizophrenia. Then she’d go to Dr. Reid, and he’d perform a miracle. They’d cure her. It was her hobby.

Charlie, being an agreeable man, acquiesced to the suggestion. If therapy would make his wife happy, he would go to therapy. She made an appointment for him the next Wednesday. It would give him a break from the tedium of his job. Besides a little therapy couldn’t hurt.

He walked into Dr. Reid’s office. The therapist pointed to the couch. “So why are you here, Charlie?” Dr. Reid asked.

Charlie explained that he came at June’s urging. Then he went on to tell the therapist about her concerns.

“So why did you make the change? Stop going to the beach and painting? Why didn’t you change to another location?”

“Doc,” Charlie called the therapist Doc, “I love my wife. She is the only woman I’ve ever loved. I am a routine kind of guy. I like my routines. After a year of marriage, I noticed June getting antsy. Bored, you know. She needed some variety in her life. And I am not Mr. Variety. After giving it some thought, I came up with a solution. I would give her something to worry about. So I went off to the beach. The painting gave me something to do.”

“So why did you quit going to the beach?”

“Same reason. To keep my wife interested. For years, she had this hobby. Why does Charlie go to the beach and paint? Now she has a new hobby. Why did Charlie quit going to the beach? Just about the time she starts getting real bored with this hobby, I’ll have a new one. Let’s just say it brings some sparkle to our marriage.”

The View

Manny and Hazel are a couple who have been married for 35 years. They are touring Europe for the first time. They are in Berlin and standing at the top in the dome of a government building. Hazel loves the view.

Manny, this is some view.

It ought to be. They spent a fortune on it.

C’mon, Manny, don’t be a spoil sport.

Who? Me? A spoil sport? I’m just pointing out the facts.

Why don’t you just enjoy the view?

We liberate these people from the Nazis. Spend a fortune. It’s cost us I don’t know how many lives. And they don’t pay us back.

Now, Manny, these Germans are nice people.

Under all those nice clothes we’re seeing are people that still owe us money.

Geez. Sometimes, Manny, I don’t know why I do it.

Do what?

Drag you along on these excursions. You’re nothing but a sourpuss. You know that?

Yes, Mrs. Sunshine. You never ever rain on my parade.

When do I rain on your parade? Tell me?

When I go play golf.

You know golf is such a stupid game. Now bridge, that’s a game.

Is not. It don’t take no skills to sit on your butt and play cards. Any doofus could do it.

You try it and see if it takes no skill. You’ll see.

I am not going to play bridge. I don’t care what you say. Oh, look. I can see where the Wall used to be. I bet I can see Russia from here too.

See. I told you it was a nice view.

Manny smiles and takes his wife’s hand.