A New Olympic Sport, huh?

From the time we are born, we males have one goal in life. To hit the target. Unfortunately it is not as easy as it seems. Believe me, I have tried. ‘Course I must admit, my whizzing score is much better than my bowling score.

I have about a ninety-five percent. Now if that was a baseball statistic, it would mean that I am batting .950. No player in the history of baseball has batted that well. The best anyone ever did was Tip O’Neill in 1887 when he played for St. Louis, and Ted Williams was the last one to have a .400 season. I can assure you I am no Ted Williams in the whizzing department.

From the day we guys are born, we practice every chance we get. By the time we enter kindergarten, we have had at least 5475 chances to hit the nail on the head and have a bull’s eye. I am looking at the low side of things. Most of us whiz more times than that.

So we get a lot of chances to practice before we go pro. And even more chances before we hit the majors. But very few of us can be considered the whizzing version of Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods, though it is a worthy goal. I checked the Guinness Book of World Records. Thus far, no entry for whizzing.

One of the things to consider for a whizzing entry in that illustrious almanac is the size of the playing field. There are standards that must be set. Just what might the dimensions for professional whizzing be? But first, we have to decide whether the player will whiz into a hoop (commode) or a basket (urinal). Personally I am in favor of the net. Once the goal is set, it must be established how far from the net the whizzing line will be. Three feet from the basket for the amateurs and four feet for the pros. That sounds about right. As you can see, size does matter.

Once the rules have been established, it will only be a hop, skip and jump before every Tom, Dick and Harry are competing. Pretty soon there will be Little League Whizzers. There will be Minor League Whizzers. Then the Bigs. Who knows? There may even be a Fantasy Whizzing League. That way the ladies can participate.

Before you know it, we’ll have ourselves a World Championship. Time and place to be determined later. One thing is for sure. It will be an American who will win the first Whizzer.  Sure, the Canadian Maple Leaks, the German Pissoirs and the Russian Whizz Bangers will give us a run for our money. There’s no doubt about it. But it’s going to be the American Six Shooters all the way. One thing I do know. The Russians won’t even get the bronze. They will be performing a putin. I can imagine how pissed off they will be since that is no strategy at all.

There is the suggestion that whizzing become an Olympic sport, that it join the Olympics in 2024. There has been a lot of opposition too. But why not? If cow tipping and alligator rolling can be Olympic sports, why not whizzing?

So line up, boys, and whiz one for the Gipper. It’s the patriotic thing to do. The qualification matches are coming to your town soon. Look for the announcement on a Facebook page near you. Tip off time will be getting here sooner than you think.

Male Psychology

This here post is addressed to my female readership. Since I am a male myself, I am an expert in male psychology. I have advanced degrees to prove it. When I say, advanced degrees I don’t mean ph.ds. And I am not talking senility either though there are those who would state otherwise. I mean I do get, “I don’t know how your mind works.” Modern science has no answer to that one. I’ve been studied by the best. To state the obvious, I am a long time card carrying member of the male persuasion. So I think that qualifies me as an expert.

If I were writing a rule book on the male persuasion, there would be some items on the list I’d like to cover.

1.Males like to fix things. The bathroom sink. The car parked in the driveway. We may not be good at it but we will always give it the old college try. We especially love to fix our lady love’s problems. The moment our beloved says she is having some challenges with work, we’ve already stopped listening. We’re taking a mental looksee at “The Art of War” to see which strategy fits the situation.

2.When it comes to sports, there isn’t a sport males don’t love. ESPN puts a tiddly-winks championship game on and we’re there in front of the tv, rooting. You ought to know how true this is by the number of us who watch golf.

3.Males will do anything to help our team win. Wear dirty undies for six months. Stand on our head. Anything.

4.Males believe we were given an internal gps when we were born. It may not be true but there is no way we males will be dissuaded from this believe. This obsession with direction  is written into our dna.

5.If your male pet says “Huh”, it is not because he isn’t listening. It’s that he is listening a little too much. We need an interpreter for female-speak. So we are praying desperately to the great god Huh to interpret for us or unconfuse us.

6.When you ask your male, “What are you thinking” and he responds, “Nothing,” believe him. He isn’t thinking about something someone said this morning. He Isn’t thinking about the thing you just said. He isn’t even thinking about Donald Trump. He is not thinking anything. Once upon a time there were questions about this comeback. Then the NIH and the CDC saw this as a challenge. To find out the truth. They got together and funded a study conducted by over a hundred academic institutions. It was such a massive study thousands of men were experimented upon. The experimentalogists  poked and cajoled and massaged, they isolated and scanned and questioned. Finally they had their answer. There was nothing there inside the male brain to make any investigator believe the male was thinking anything but nothing most of the time.

7.Modern science, after years and years of speculation, has discerned that the male brain is not evolving. Rather, it is devolving.

8.Never, ever try to persuade a man that he doesn’t know what he is talking about. Of course, he doesn’t know. And he knows that he doesn’t know. But he will never admit it. It is a point of pride.

I hope this has clarified questions some of you have been asking for years. Memorize these seven rules on male behavior and live by them and your relationship with your male pet will run smooth.

“Eight rules,” you say. “Not seven.” Now there you go, correcting a male. Don’t you know we males don’t take correcting very well? While I wait for you to apologize, I do believe I will go into my corner and do some pouting.