Does Your Lawn Talk To You?

Guess what? Mine does. It talks up a palaver. There’s just no shutting it up, and it’s not
the happy talk one would expect from a lawn that receives the royal treatment. Lately it’s been on the warpath. It wants its own Facebook page. Can you imagine? It’s not going to happen. Not going to do it.

So my advice to my lawn. It had better stop insisting. It had better quit waking me up way too early in the morning just to run its mouth, whispering, “Facebook.” It saw what I did to those crop circles in my back yard, spelled, “Facebook.” I mowed right over them. Felt good after I did too. That was a warning.

Another thing. It had better quit blaming the cat. That cat did not pee those letters in the grass. He does not even like Facebook. Last time I left the site open on my computer, he saw it. He almost destroyed the computer. Never heard such snarling in my life. Besides it would be “catnip” that he would pour out on the lawn. ‘Cause I am here to tell you he sure enjoys that stuff. Just lights up a cigar and lounges in the living room ever so mellow when he has had a hit of the stuff.

No, it was the lawn and its campaign for Facebook immortality. Ever since I set up a Facebook page, it’s been after me. It’s just one more of its conspiracy to run roughshod over my life. If I did it, all my neighbor’s lawns would want a page of their own. Next thing you know my neighbors would beating down my door with axes and pitchforks, demanding, yes demanding, that I take it down. I’m afraid of what they might do with those pitchforks

Oh, and another thing, that lawn had better quit having babies. Used to take only thirty minutes to mow the lawn. Now it takes two and a half hours. If things continue the way they are, pretty soon I will need a water truck to keep my thirst quenched when I am mowing you.

I’m telling you that I am getting fed up with all the lawn hi-jinx. They’re enough to drive one man crazy. And I am not talking crazy in love either. You know that there is no love lost between the my lawn and I.

When I was a kid, I said never. Not ever would I have a lawn to care for. It was my job to mow when I was in school. Then I grew up and got a new job. Taking out the garbage. Not only do I to take out the garbage but I have mow that lawn. I am not a happy man.

If I could get away with it, I would just brick it over. But that is not a plan. No sirree. Cement does not cool things off in the summer. It heats them up. But I am warning it that, if things do not change, there will be some changes all right. I’ll pack it up and send it off to Alaska for a six-month-winter. That will teach it. So it can just take that as a warning.

Hopefully giving my lawn a case of the reading-the-riot act will do the trick. Get it to fall in line. With no more insistence on a Facebook page. Nary one whisper about the darn thing.

I don’t mind a little sassy from it from time to time. But no more Facebook and no more kids. Thank you very much.

By the way, anybody want to buy a lawn. I’ll throw in the transportation to Anyplace, USA for free. And I don’t even care if you give it a good home. Just take it off my hands.

The Neighborhood Lawn War

My neighbor one fine day slunk out of his cave,
Raised his finger and made it misbehave.
He went to his mower and gave it a start,
Then leveled his grass till it was a park.                                                                               “Show off,” I said, then headed to the store.                                                                         I’d not be outdone by the man next door.                                                                                 I returned home with some seed and some sod,                                                           Ready to take on that petty little god.                                                                                    I’d show that he was a neighborhood fraud,                                                                     That I wasn’t about to be overawed.                                                                                Soon I had the finest grass on the block.                                                                            No lawn could match it. I was a big shot,                                                                     Winner of the prize for the best yard in town.                                                                      My neighbor would not take this, lying down.                                                                Before I knew it, a nursery truck                                                                                     Drove up to his front door and came to a stop.                                                                      A man in uniform tumbled him out                                                                                        Of the driver’s cab and went ’round about                                                                           To the back of the truck to its very big butt.                                                                         He pushed and he pulled from out of its gut                                                                   Fauna so green I thought it was from Oz.                                                                        They made my breath take something of a pause,                                                         Then plants so exotic and some quite erotic.                                                                          I wanted to spring over for a summertime frolic.                                                                     But a determined me held me in check.                                                                                   I gritted my teeth. My nerves were a wreck.                                                                      Out on my back lawn I gathered my troops.                                                            Whatever the trouble, whatever the loops                                                                          We had to jump through to get back our pride                                                                   We were more than ready to make that ride,                                                                      Me, my wife, my kids, my dad and my mom.                                                                     We were about to kick some butt and then some.                                                              We tore up the lawn both front and the rear.                                                                    With a gusto, we grinned from ear to ear.                                                                          We readied for battle, we had a plan                                                                                   To show this neighbor he wasn’t The Man.                                                                         We were about to show he’d made a mistake.                                                                    We grabbed our shovels, our hoes and our rakes.                                                             Toward his yard we dug one heck of a trench                                                                     To send our destroyers up one very big ditch.                                                                      In it, we planted some kudzu, ivy and weeds,                                                                     And all the damage no yard ever needs.                                                                             We aimed our destroyers well for the run                                                                          And smiled as we fired our loaded gun,                                                                                A water hose shooting across the sun.                                                                              We fired and fired till our day was done.                                                                         Soon the neighborhood war was over                                                                                    A white flag rose from his field of clover.                                                                           That neighbor knew he was down for the count,                                                                    If he carried on, there’d be a big knock out.