Politics in America 18: Rocktober Surprise

Despite everything that Betty Sue and Big Al Fresco could do, P F Sneeze’s numbers were bad. Real bad. Little Twerp and the Do Evies. Sounds like a seventies band, doesn’t it? Little Twerp and the Do Evies were trouncing P F Sneeze. They were not happy with the boredom. P F was downright boring. At least, Little Twerp had shot a dawg. Even the debate fisticuffs hadn’t helped. It just made Little Twerp look like an underdog. If there was a candidate that looked like a dawg, it was Little Twerp.

P F needed some glamorizing. What to do? What to do? It was then that a miracle happened. The kind that JFK and Bill Clinton would have understood.

Ellie May Marmalade (Big Bazookas, the Porn Queen) came on the Next Day Show to save the day. She announced she had an announcement. “I am so happy to be heah,” she said. As she said it, she managed to jiggle in all the right places. “I am heah to tell y’all that I received all my show business training at Barbara Ann Butt’s Twurl and Kurl.”

“Just where is that,” the Next Day Show interviewer asked.

“That’s in Weazel Sneeze. And while I was there I learned how to jiggle. I learned how to tawk real sexy. I learned how to project my presence.”

“You do project very well.”

“Why thank you, Sir. That’s mighty nice of y’all to say so.”

Betty Sue and Big Al contacted Barbara Ann and urged her to give Ellie May a shout-out. That’s exactly what she did.

Barbara Ann Butts had contacted her in secret. Ellie May still had a thang for Barbara Ann. So she agreed to help out and win one for the gipper. It was the least she could do for the Twurl and Kurl.

So Ellie May went said an untruth for the benefit of a night of romance with Barbara Ann. She had been mistressing P F Sneeze for years.

He hadn’t.

But you know what? The voters believed her story. She was sincere. She had given them what they needed. Glamour and charisma. If P F Sneeze had a mistress like Ellie May, then he had to be desirable. He was truly worthy of their vote. The polls shot up 59.9% in favor of the pig farmer from Weazel Sneeze. He was truly a Man of the People. It was obvious he was about to become a Rock Star. He was about to become the reincarnation of Elvis and Michael Jackson all rolled into one. Thank you very much, Ellie May Marmalade.

Next week Who let the cat out of the bag