Politics in America 18: Rocktober Surprise

Despite everything that Betty Sue and Big Al Fresco could do, P F Sneeze’s numbers were bad. Real bad. Little Twerp and the Do Evies. Sounds like a seventies band, doesn’t it? Little Twerp and the Do Evies were trouncing P F Sneeze. They were not happy with the boredom. P F was downright boring. At least, Little Twerp had shot a dawg. Even the debate fisticuffs hadn’t helped. It just made Little Twerp look like an underdog. If there was a candidate that looked like a dawg, it was Little Twerp.

P F needed some glamorizing. What to do? What to do? It was then that a miracle happened. The kind that JFK and Bill Clinton would have understood.

Ellie May Marmalade (Big Bazookas, the Porn Queen) came on the Next Day Show to save the day. She announced she had an announcement. “I am so happy to be heah,” she said. As she said it, she managed to jiggle in all the right places. “I am heah to tell y’all that I received all my show business training at Barbara Ann Butt’s Twurl and Kurl.”

“Just where is that,” the Next Day Show interviewer asked.

“That’s in Weazel Sneeze. And while I was there I learned how to jiggle. I learned how to tawk real sexy. I learned how to project my presence.”

“You do project very well.”

“Why thank you, Sir. That’s mighty nice of y’all to say so.”

Betty Sue and Big Al contacted Barbara Ann and urged her to give Ellie May a shout-out. That’s exactly what she did.

Barbara Ann Butts had contacted her in secret. Ellie May still had a thang for Barbara Ann. So she agreed to help out and win one for the gipper. It was the least she could do for the Twurl and Kurl.

So Ellie May went said an untruth for the benefit of a night of romance with Barbara Ann. She had been mistressing P F Sneeze for years.

He hadn’t.

But you know what? The voters believed her story. She was sincere. She had given them what they needed. Glamour and charisma. If P F Sneeze had a mistress like Ellie May, then he had to be desirable. He was truly worthy of their vote. The polls shot up 59.9% in favor of the pig farmer from Weazel Sneeze. He was truly a Man of the People. It was obvious he was about to become a Rock Star. He was about to become the reincarnation of Elvis and Michael Jackson all rolled into one. Thank you very much, Ellie May Marmalade.

Next week Who let the cat out of the bag

Politics in America 16: All aboard the Weazel Sneeze Express

When he gave his first State of the Campaign speech on Labor Day, it was short and brief. P F Sneeze simply stepped out on the stage in front of the Statue of Liberty, took a gander at the crowd, waved and left the stage. It was so refreshing to hear a politician actually say absolutely nothing. Oh sure, politicians were used to saying absolutely nothing, and they said it with a lot of words. But this was the first time any politician had used no words to say it. The voters didn’t know what to do with themselves.

Little Twerp of the Do Evies went on for hours with his speech. With him, the voters got everything but the kitchen sink. Sometimes he even threw that in for good measure.

P F Sneeze took a train across the country. At each stop, Hunka-hunka Burning Love opened the Vegas-istc show.  He was backed up by the Weazel Sneezettes, Barbara Ann Butts and the Buttstettes who were her four daughters, Bubble, Bunnie, Patootie and Muffin Buttswith. They went on stage and sang the Campaign Theme Song:

We’re gonna-gonna-gonna have ourselves a chat
Lemme-lemme-lemme tell you where it’s at
We’re gonna-gonna-gonna get ourselves a rat
We’ll squash that Little Twerp like a gnat.

For some strange reason, this did not work. The polls were showing Little Twerp ahead by leaps and bounds. In other words, Little Twerp was ahead by a lot, and then some.

The polls had to be wrong. They just had to be wrong. Were the American people going to elect Little Twerp for President? It was beginning to look that way.

Big Al Fresco and Betty Sue Pudding put their heads together. The voters were not falling for the Andrew Jackson look. They were not falling for the log cabin bit. No matter that Barbara Ann and Buttstettes wore the skimpiest costumes in the history of election campaigns. Skimpier than the time Mary Todd Lincoln and Eleanor Roosevelt sang a duet on Late Night Television. The voters were neither charmed nor sexified with the Do Naughty Campaign.

Big Al and Betty Sue had to do something but fast. Finally they made up their minds. P F would appear on all the news shows. On top of that he would do the Daily Show, Saturday Night Live and Stephen Colbert. Then he would debate Little Twerp off the stage in the Presidential Debate to beat all Presidential Debates.

60 Minutes, CNN, CNBC, Fox, ABC, NBC, CBS, Bill Mayer all interviewed P F Sneeze so that the voters could get a real good looksee at this Man of the Peeps.

P F opened his interview with a statement. “I did not sleep with that woman.”

“What woman did you not sleep with?” the interviewer asked.

“The woman you are thinking of,” P F answered. “The woman you’ve been sleeping with.”

Well, you can imagine how the interviewer took that. He turned green at the gills. Then he ended the interviewer.

“What about China?” “60 Minutes” asked.

“We like the Chinese food. Especially chow mein. And I just love fortune cookies.”

“What about Korea?”

“What about Korea?” Candidate Sneeze answered.

“And the French?”

“I just love French fries. Especially if they are made in America.”

P F Sneeze gave all the right answers. And they were always boring. Unlike Little Twerp who tawked and tawked and tawked three hours about “that” woman. He just wouldn’t shut up about her.

For some reason the American people found sexual dalliance more to their liking than boring dalliance.

Next Week Debate Anyone?