Fifth Anniversary Story: Go West, Young Women

This is my Fifth Anniversary. I started Uncle Bardie’s Stories &  Such on August 11, 2013. So I give you this story to celebrate.

Two women on a motorcycle flew down the highway, heading west through a sparse landscape. Both in their early thirties. Pill, the short haired brunette, piloted the beast. Cal, short for Calico, rode on the back, her arms wrapped around the pilot. Her long white hair rippled in the breeze.

Pill’s butt hurt. And it wasn’t just her butt. It was the bugs and the heat and the dry skin. But it was worth all the trouble, getting far away from their exes. As far away as they could from the scumbags after the women cleaned out their bank accounts. The two had ridden for three days. At night, they’d pull up at some fleabag of a motel and crash.

Finally, Pill had had enough. She pulled into a small town and rode up to a diner on the main street and parked.

“We got to keep going,” Cal said.

Pill slipped herself out of Cal’s arms and off the bike. “I’m done. Those s.o.b.s can catch us for all I care.”

“But they’ll kill us.”

“Let them try.” Pill pulled out a .45 from the saddlebag and slipped it into a holster at her back. “Let’s get something to eat.”

She went to open the door, then saw the man in his late twenties with a Stetson on his head. “What are you looking at?” she said.

“I’m looking at you.”

“You’re going to go blind.”

“Great way to go if you’re the last thing I see.”

Pill smiled like she was up for the game, then ran her hands up and down her body. “So you’d like some of this.”

“Don’t.” Cal’s voice had a whimper to it.

Pill glared at her companion. “You don’t like it you can get off and walk. I’m ready for a good time.” Then back to Cowboy. “You have a friend?”

“Sure do.”

“Then let me buy you breakfast.”

“’Bout time you offered.” Cowboy pulled the door open to let Pill and Cal go in. “I’m–”

Pill put her palm against his mouth. “Did I ask your name?”

“You didn’t.”

“Then shut up. Let’s eat. I’m hungry.”

“Well, praise Jesus,” Cowboy said. “Nothing I like better than a woman in tight jeans and a mouth on her. We’re going to have some fun.”

The waitress guided them through the crowded room over to a corner booth.

“All I can say,” Pill said, “is you had better not be all talk.”

The waitress gave her a “you’re going to hell” look.

Pill saw it and said, “Take back that look or your tip will be as dry as the Mojave.”

The waitress choked her look down, then said under her breath. “Sorry.”

“That’s better.” Pill slipped into the booth.

Cal took her place beside her companion. Cowboy made himself comfortable on the other side of the table.

“Y’all want coffee?” the gray-haired waitress asked, pulling out her pad.

Pill was the first. “I could use a beer.”

“Three beers,” Cowboy ordered, not waiting for Cal.

Then Pill laid her order out to the waitress. “A big stack of cakes with lots of syrup. And three eggs.” She leaned over toward Cowboy. “I’m going to need the protein.”

Cowboy grinned. “Yes, ma’am.”

Cal followed with her order. “Two eggs, grits and bacon.”

Cowboy said, “The same.”

The waitress headed off to the cook for their order.

Pill gave Cal a look. Then turned her look to Cowboy, “Hope your partner is as good looking as you.” She reached over and ran her hand up and down Cal’s arm. “My friend here has needs, you know.”

Cal nodded. “I do have needs.”

The bell above the diner door rang. Cal almost jumped. Pill didn’t move. Then Cal breathed relief. It wasn’t the exes. It was a tall blond fellow, wearing a straw hat.

He hurried over to the table. “Buck, what are you doing?”

Pill to Cal, “Think he’ll do?”

“Maybe,” Cal said.

Then Pill to Straw hat, “Quit your complaining and join your partner over there. You’ve got a maybe. You just might get a definite if you act nice. Right, Cal?”


Straw hat backed away. “Ain’t got time for this foolishness. Buck, are you coming or not?”

Buck smiled. “Like she says. Sit down. It’s going to be one hell of a day.”

“But we got that thing.”

“The thing can wait. We’ve got a couple of Guineveres here that need Lancelots.”

The waitress was back with three beers. She sat them on the table and said to Straw hat, “I suppose you’ll want to order.”

Buck did the ordering instead. “Just bring him what you’re bringing me.”

Resigned, Straw hat dropped to the seat beside Buck.

When the waitress was gone, Buck eyeballed Pill. “Now why don’t you tell me what you two are up to. Packing a .45 and all.”

Pill scrutinized the two for several minutes before making up her mind and answering. About the time she was ready to say her peace, the waitress came back with the food. She laid it out on the table.

Pill took up a fork and stabbed at the eggs. “Maybe I’ll tell, maybe I won’t. First I’m going to fill up on this here grub. Now eat.”

When they finished their food, Pill stood up, plumped down the money for the food along with a tip. “Saddle up, boys, and lead us to a good motel. It‘s time I got my money’s worth.”

On their bike following the men’s red truck, Cal leaned forward and whispered in Pill’s ear. “What are you up to?”

“You’ll see” was all Pill gave her as she pulled up next to the truck.

She jumped off the bike and went to the office for a key. Soon she led the others to a door. Cal brought the bags inside and dropped them on a chair.

“We’re going to take a long hot shower and wash off the dirt. You fellows sit yourself down and wait. Remember all things come to him who waits. You can wait, can’t you?”

The two men nodded.

Pill pulled off her blouse and slide down her jeans, then headed into the bathroom only wearing her panties. Then she stuck her head out the door and said to Cal, “You coming?”

Cal nodded.

Pill continued, “Oh, and don’t you boys touch nothing. If I find out you have, you’re going to be missing a third leg if you know what I mean.” She showed them her .45. “And I always hit what I’m aiming for. Capeech?”

The two men looked at each other wondering what they had gotten themselves into.

Fifteen minutes later a naked Pill walked out of the bathroom. Cal was behind her, drying herself.

“Well, why aren’t you in bed?” Pill asked.

“We–” Buck went to say.

“You what?” She turned to Cal. “Are these guys stupid or what?”

“I think it’s what,” Cal said and laughed.

The two men stripped down to their shorts and crawled under the covers, one to each of the beds.

Pill pointed her gun first at Buck, then at Straw hat. “I’m bored. Let’s see if we can party up this scene. Bucky, get under the covers with your buddy there.”

For the first time, Pill saw determination on Buck’s face. “I’m not moving.”

“Okay,” she said. Aimed the gun at his head and pulled the trigger. Click. “Darn, what did I do with those bullets?” Then she laughed. “Let’s see if the next one is empty.”

“Now, hold on,” Buck said, almost shouting.

“Now hold on yourself.” Pill pointed the weapon at his head again. “It’s time to pay the piper.” She studied his face for a minute or so, then let her hand with the gun fall to her side. Finally, she asked, “What are you two doing in this little town anyway? I know you’re not from here.”

Straw hat let their plans out. “We came to rob the bank. Damn it, Buck. We would have too if you had not gotten yourself up for some fun. You should have saved your fun.”

“Get dressed,” Pill said. “We’ve got some banks to rob.”

Straw hat said, “What?”

“What else would you expect from the Bonnies and Clydes?” Pill said and threw Buck’s clothes over to him.

“But what about? You know,” Straw hat said.

“Are you crazy?” Pill said. “We’re virgins.”

Buck turned red.

Cal laughed, then said, “Not really.”

Uncle Bardie’s Coming to Town

It was the night before Christmas.
All through the house there wasn’t a sound.
Even the baby was not peeping a peep.
For Uncle Bardie was coming to town.
He sped up to the front of the house
In his red fifty-seven Cadillac.
He gave out a shout the size of a roar.
We were under an Uncle Bardie attack.
“I have an offer you cannot refuse.
If you don’t let Uncle Bardie come in,
I’ll huff and puff and blow your house down,”
He said, giving us all his devilish grin.
As we trembled in our booties, on he went,
“I know you were hoping for Santa.
He can’t make it on account of delays
In Chicago, Topeka and Atlanta.”
With that, he gave the front door a big blow.
In he stormed like a blizzard from the north.
To get out of his way, the family walked back
One step, two steps, three steps, and a fourth.
Dad in his pajamas, Mom in her robe,
I in my p.j.s with a cap on my noggin’
Glad Baby was upstairs to miss the horrors
Of Uncle Bardie through the house a-sloggin’.
He hurried over to the tree in the corner
Lit up for Christmas Christmasy and green,
Smashing gifts like Thor with his hammer
Ripping open stockings like the grinchiest fiend.
Mom was all upset and out of her mind
With Uncle Bardie’s grunts and his groans
Though she dared not move even a pinch.
As the house gave off its very deep moans.
Finally her courage rose up from her toes
When U B found the stuff he was going for.
She sprinted across the room ever so fast.
It was quite a sight to see Mom going to war.
She snatched Santa’s cookies out of his hands
Before he stuffed them into his very big mouth.
“No you don’t,” she said with a rage second to none.
Her foot gave him a smash in the very deep south.
As he rolled out of the house and onto the lawn,
She said in a voice that would make the devil shake,
“Those are Santa’s and you’d better leave them alone.”
Uncle Bardie had been hit with an earthquake
He would never forget in all the years to come.
“If that’s the way you feel, I’m gone like a light
There’ll be no gifts from your Uncle Bardie.
So merry Christmas and a very good night.”
Well, the earth it quivered and the snow did too
As he got back into his bright red Cadillac
And he flew off to other parts of the family
Soon to be under an Uncle Bardie attack.