Near 500 Words: Diddly Squat, Bumpus and all their other buddies

I hate to be alarmist. Or whatever you want to call it. Well, actually I don’t. What’s wrong with a good panic from time to time. Just look what Tiny Tim did with “Tip Toe Through The Tulips”. He caused the boom in the Dutch tulip market back in the seventeenth century. Boy, was that a bust.

If you’re like me, modern life has become so hectic you don’t know whether you are coming or going. Lately I’ve realized that I am going and coming at the same time. There’s the internet and the outernet. There’s texting and smoke signals. The next you know we’ll find ourselves on party lines. And when I say that, I don’t mean Democrat or Republican, Tory or Liberal.

And now they’ve got us worried about artificial intelligence. I thought all human life on earth had a good case of artificial intelligence. Because the stuff we do sure ain’t smart. You’d think the extra-terrestrials who left us here would have had a better plan. Or maybe that was The Plan. Sure wish they’d come up with Plan B because things look like we’re failing Plan A.

The smart folks tell us that there’s bacteria we’ve never heard of before. Maybe some of that bacteria came from outer space. Pretty soon we’re going to be the Pod People or have weird things popping out of our bellies. I saw “Invasion of the Body Snackers” and “Alien 2.0”. Like they say, to be forewarned is to be forearmed.

Lately I’ve been concerned with diddly squat. According to the CDC, we have an diddlysquatosis epidemic. The rates are alarming. The CDC says that there is a 25% rise in the virus in the last two years. Can you imagine a country that does not give diddly squat? That’s almost as bad as the kim –kardashian-virus. If you have that, there’s no turning back. You’re almost a zombie. It’s only a matter of time before the z virus strikes and finishes you off.

Or even worse you might have a bad case of Smart-aleck-it-is. Every time you open your mouth something pops out that other people don’t like. The worse part is they laugh. They don’t know why they laugh. They can’t control themselves.

When you check the medical dictionary, you might not find Smart-aleck-it-is. If not, check under wisenheimer diseases. Those scientific folks prefer foreign words. If not there, check to see if they listed it by the Latin name, Captiosus Syndrome.

And this past year? There’s been a bad strain of Bumpus. The bad news is that the bacteria are spreading faster than the Flash. The good news is that there is a vaccine. Unfortunately, the vaccine has really bad side effects. It makes you susceptible to zilch-oma. If you get zilch-oma, get to the Emergency Room faster than a speeding  bullet. That stuff is deadlier than pneumonia. It’s a real killer.

So be careful out there. You never know.