Superbowl Blues

Since the month began with the Superbowl, I can think of no better way to end the month than with another pickin’ and grinner ’bout Superbowl Sunday.

We don’t watch the Superbowl for the plays.
We don’t watch it for the ads for cars.
We only want to see another day
When Janet Jackson’s thirty-twos were a star.

It was a tragic turn of events
When Justin Timberlake left his prints
On Janet Jackson’s thirty-twos.
It made all the evening news.

We may not remember the game
But nothing ever will be the same
When Justin’s hands made history.
That day Janet lost her mystery.

We don’t watch the Superbowl for the plays.
We don’t watch it for the ads for cars.
We only want to see another day
When Janet Jackson’s thirty-twos were a star.

It was another bust this year
Katy Perry wouldn’t drop her gear
Lenny Kravitz’s hands were tied
On his guitar they did reside.

So we have to wait till next year
To rah rah rah and to cheer
Till then we’ll roll back the dvr
To the day Janet’s thirty-twos were a star.

We don’t watch the Superbowl for the plays.
We don’t watch it for the ads for cars.
We only want to see another day
When Janet Jackson’s thirty-twos were a star.

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Hamlet and the Knock-knock joke

This is the short and the long of it. The Merry Wives of Windsor Act 2, Scene 2.

You know Shakespeare invented the knock-knock joke. In  Act 1 Scene 1, “Hamlet” begins with “Who’s there?” Made me wonder if “Hamlet” was one long knock-knock joke without a punch line.

You know, in those days, there were not any knock-knock jokes going around. Until:

Barnardo: “Knock knock.”

Francisco: “Who’s there?”

Barnardo: “Eliza.”

Francisco: “Eliza Who?”

Barnardo: “Eliza Bet You Can’t Be Queen.

Francisco: “I may not be Queen but I sure can sing.”

Barnardo: “Sing?”

Francisco: “Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?”

Okay, you didn’t get it. Shakespeare did, and so did Freddie Mercury.

This “Who’s there?” asked by Francisco, the guard on the turret, sets the whole mood and theme of the play. The play is about who is who and what is what and getting it all sorted out.

Do you have a favorite knock-knock joke?

To publish or not to publish

As promised, I don’t usually use this forum to rant and rave. Believe me there is plenty to rant and rave about. Especially if you come from a long line of ranters and ravers like me. But this time I just can’t keep my mouth shut. Something must be said, and I would like to join the chorus of voices that are saying it. I am sure you’ve heard about Harper Lee’s new book. It’s all over the news.

We grew up with Scout just like we grew up with Holden Caulfield. These became our spiritual kin. We love them in a way that we don’t love any other human being. And we keep them close to us. Sometimes we even ask, “What would Scout do?” Or “What would Holden Caulfield do?” Scout is always Scout but Holden Caulfield is never just Holden.

Now we hear that we are going to find out what happened to these two scamps. Seems Salinger deemed it in his will that there will be more Holden Caulfield soon. That is not the case when it comes to Scout. She’s going to step out into the world, kicking and screaming. Scout, and her mama Harper Lee, get no say in the matter.

Oh, sure. All those involved with the project releasing “Go Set a Watchman” say they have talked to Scout and she doesn’t object. Nobody outside of the project’s managers is really sure whether her mama, an aged Miss Lee with major health issues, approves. Folks involved with the project say they have checked with her and she gives the project a big thumbs up.

At first, they said Miss Lee didn’t even remember the fool thing. It had magically disappeared. Now it has magically reappeared. I can’t speak for the memory of Harper Lee or any author. I just can’t imagine her writing something, then forgetting about it the way we’ve been told. I have been writing since I was knee high to a grasshopper and I just about remember every piece I’ve produced. Both the good and the bad. Authors take pride in the characters we create and love them for the children they are. But I am here to tell you that I would never send my children out into the world if they were not dressed up in their Sunday best.

Over the years Miss Lee insisted she had no other books for publication. Which leads me and others to believe that there just ain’t no way she wanted this book published for all the world to see. My theory is Harper Lee took it out with the garbage and never expected it to blow back in her face. Based on the evidence we’ve heard, I don’t think she would agree to this egregious affair if she had her health. So why are her wishes not being honored? ‘Cause there is big big big bucks to be made.

Just ask Christopher Tolkien. He’s been living off the proceeds of his daddy’s research notebooks for years. It was done to Ralph Ellison and William Faulkner and Scott Fitzgerald and Charles Dickens. Executors of their estates released work into the world that just wasn’t ready for the big time. If it had been ready, I am sure the creators would have sent their children forth with pride. Instead they have to withstand the laughter that gets thrown at them like a cake at a food fight.

Margaret Mitchell was twice raped. Her estate published “Lost Laysen”, an early stab she made at writing. Then they went and hired not one, but two, novelists to write up epilogues for her “Gone with the Wind” children. Pretty soon we will have “Tara and the Zombies”. They did it to Abe. Why not Margaret Mitchell. Depressing, isn’t it?

There are all sorts of theories about why Hemingway committed suicide. I am one who thinks that he could not stand the thought that he actually typed “The Garden of Eden”. Notice I didn’t say wrote. Now it’s out there in the world, butt naked, and spitting on the master’s grave. All ’cause the folks who were supposed to have Papa’s best interest at heart forgot their responsibility. It is amazing how much shit we will do if we are offered the right amount of money.

At least J D Salinger made sure that Holden Caulfield gets a proper introduction to the world. In his Sunday Best.

The Battle

Praise the Lord and pass the biscuits, this is downright genius. Marissa just gets geniuser and geniuser and now this it the geniusest.

Glorious Results Of A Misspent Youth

She pulled out a lipgloss
I pulled out a sewing kit
She pulled out mascara
I pulled out some cream for zits

She pulled out some tampons
I pulled out deodorant
She pulled out a scrunchy
And a large bottle of scent

I pulled out some aspirin
She pulled out sanitizer
I pulled out a mirror
And she pulled out tranquilizers

I pulled out green breath mints
She pulled out granola bars
I pulled out a notebook
She pulled out a jelly jar

I pulled out a water
I pulled out a burrito
She pulled out a pillow
And a pic of Jared Leto

And looking in the darkness
My stash was growing thin
Just a bunch of lint balls
And some bobby pins

But still she kept on going
Things came out of the blue
Her purse just notebook sized
It was too good to be true

With condoms…

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Fifty Shades of —–

I was up late last night and suddenly this came to me. I go maybe I shouldn’t post. But what the heck.

Here are some forthcoming movie titles for American’s favorite couple. (And keep your mind out of the gutter. These are all family films.):

Fifty Shades of Gravy: Ana meets the Soup Nazi.

Fifty Shades of Green: Ana just can’t decide what color her dress should be.

Fifty Shades of Grapeshot: Christian went hunting with Dick Cheney. Guess you know what happened next.

Fifty Shades of Grunting: Ana is preparing for the Boston Marathon.

Fifty Shades of Groundhogs: Ana visits Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, and sees her shadow.

Fifty Shades of Greenways: Remember that time Christian took Ana golfing. She went for the caddy.

Fifty Shades of Gridlock: Ana and Christian in NYC traffic. Next time they will take the subway.

Fifty Shades of Guffaws: Ana learns that Christian has the weirdest laugh.

Fifty Shades of Grits: Ana goes south for the summer, y’all.

Fifty Shades of Grime: Christian just can’t get his Rolls Royce clean. Then Mr. Clean comes along. Since he’s stronger than dirt, he not only takes the dirt off. He strips the paint too.

Fifty Shades of Grub: Ana really can cook.

Fifty Shades of Grass: Ana and Christian move to Colorado.

Fifty Shades of Grades: Ana’s professor says, “Well, that really isn’t a D. It’s a shade off a D. If you look at it in the right light, it could be a C. Or an F.”

Fifty Shades of Grumpy: Ana has spent all day preparing Mr. Grey’s favorite meal. He comes home and starts in. Ana says, “Oh, did we have a bad day.”

Fifty Shades of Goofing Off: Christian and Ana get a night just to kick back, have some pizza and watch “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

There you have it. It’s only the beginning. Hollywood is looking for more ideas for Fifty Shades of You Know What. Got any ideas?

P.S. Just realized that this would make a great blog. I am sure someone could get at least a year’s worth of posts.