There was a time when the only mail was snail mail. If you wanted to listen to music, you had to have a turntable. No .mp3s or .wavs. Apples were things you ate. If you said google, people thought you were talking about goggles you wear on your face. There was definitely no way you could surf a net. You could fish with one but no surfing. And everybody thought that a tablet was the thing Moses brought down from Mount Sinai with the Big Ten on it.
It’s amazing the technological advances we’ve seen in the last fifty years. In Uncle Bardie’s lifetime, I have seen a man land on the moon. I have seen the personal computer blossom. I have seen the internet spring from nothing and give the consumer the shopping experience of a lifetime. I have seen the smart phone, the iPod and the iPhone.
So it is with some excitement Uncle Bardie reports on some wonderful new gadgets about to be revealed to the public. I think you will agree these gadgets will transform our lives.
1.iWipes for the pooper in all of us. Its motto: “A little dab’ll do you.
2.And to compliment this accessory the iFlush for those of us who don’t have the time to flush our waste down the pipes.
3.iBra for the ladies who can resize their breasts to a perfect A, B, C or double D, depending on the owner’s specs. Never again will women hear you’re too small or you’re too big. Just speak into the nipples the size you need and it’s yours.
4.iSmile for those days you don’t want to turn that frown upside-down.
5.iGesundheit: You never have to worry about getting a gesundheit no matter where you are. You could be alone in Antartica and you will get a gesundheit.
6.And its companion, the iSneeze. Just in case you need a gesundheit to pep up your day. Maybe you feel like you’ve earned a gesundheit and nobody seems to care.
7.iLawn will mow itself.
8.iHouse is that house you will never have to clean again. In fact, it may be cleaning you if you aren’t careful. That is an extra little feature the designers feel is the icing on the cake.
9.iFood for the finicky eater or the gourmand.
10.iHusband takes out the garbage and puts down the commode seat without a complaint. Also the engineers are designing this little gem with a knowledge of foreplay that would put a tantric master to shame.
11.iWife picks up after her male owner without nagging and roots for whatever your favorite team is. Even if it is the Jacksonville Jaguars without Tim Tebow. And this little baby has been programmed with a cooking expertise that will make any meal um-um-good. And one thing. No iPolygamy please. It’s against the iRules.
12.iPet. You can walk him and you don’t have to scoop up his poop. Or if you choose the kitty version, it even sings “Oops there goes another rubber tree plant” each time it eliminates those pesky little vermin. And each of these comes in an assortment of colors.
One little note of caution here: Make sure you purchase the super dooper security package. You don’t want iHackers to spread an iVirus in your iGadgets. Just imagine what that might do to your iPet. It could end up with iRabies and you certainly won’t look attractive with an iFoam around the mouth. Or your iWife might demand an iDivorce. Those can be very expensive unless you had her sign an iPreNup. Or your iBra could very well blow up in your face. Then you will need an iFlightPlan as you balloon your way up in the wild blue yonder. Also it will help if you have had iFlying Lessons.