Ads I would love to see on TV

Ad #1. Jeff is sitting in his kitchen, eating a bowl of cereal. He picks up the bowl and walks to the front door. Opens the front door, looks out. The birds are singing. The grass is green. The cocker spaniel lies on the front porch, dreaming his doggie dream. Jeff looks at his brand new car. It is a beautiful work of art. Then he sees his neighbor get in his car. The driver’s door falls off his neighbor’s Chevy. Jeff smiles, then calls out, “Hey, Bart. Doors don’t fall off my new Puchie.”

Ad #2. “Need a new car. It’s on your bucket list. Why not come on down and make that final deal a hearse? We have them in seven gorgeous colors: red, yellow, blue, orange, pink, turquoise, and, of course, our most popular color, your basic black tie. If you want to go in style, this is the way to go.”

Ad #3. “Come on over to Brady’s Super Sports Store to get all your football supplies. Down here at Brady’s, we really know how to deflate a football.”

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Drew Carey’s in Cleveland

A pickin’ and a grinnin’ lyric
Drew Carey’s in Cleveland
With a big mug of beer.
He’s on t.v.
Coming in clear.

With a smile on his face
At the Drew Carey place
Drew’s telling his jokes
For all kind of folks.
He’s getting his yucks
With his oh aw shucks.
Drew Carey’s in Cleveland
Drinking his beer.

Mimi’s on the prowl
With her clownish scowl
At Winfred-Lauder.
Drew takes a powder
Away from his cube
To avoid their feud.
Drew Carey’s in Cleveland
Drinking his beer.

With Oswald and Lewis
And Kate, they’re the truest
Of friends in a bar
Where the keg is a star
And guzzling it down
Is the Talk of the Town.
Drew Carey’s in Cleveland
Drinking his beer.

Then Mimi bursts in
To the bar with a grin
And throws a big pie
Letting it fly
To splatter Drew’s face
In his drinking place.
Drew Carey’s in Cleveland
Drinking his beer.

Now Kate really pissed.
She puts up her fists.
“You’re ’bout to go down,
You sad little clown,”
Kate says with a frown.
Beats Mimi to the ground.
Drew Carey’s in Cleveland
Drinking his beer.

Now Mimi got wise
After that night’s demise.
She left Drew alone
Till Kate went and gone.
Then Mimi is back
Gives Drew such a whack.
Drew Carey’s in Cleveland
Drinking his beer.

Drew Carey’s in Cleveland
With a big mug of beer.
He’s on t.v.
Coming in clear.

Hire the Bozo

On the occasion of the fifteenth anniversary of the Global News Network, Stanley Lloyd Spenser III, third generation owner and CEO of GNN, sat at the head of the solid mahogany table in the corporate boardroom. He fumbled for the right words to say, words he knew would change the direction of the network, broadcast journalism, and most likely, the entire world.

“Hire The Bozo,” he said to his underling Kirk Kirfartagain, sitting across the table from him.

“But, sir, The Bozo hasn’t been seen for six months. The last he was seen was in Zwackystan.”

“You’re going to have to dun your duds, dude, and go find him.”

“But, sir, I’m allergic to traveling.”

His boss, The Third, picked up the phone next to him and buzzed his Administrative Assistant. “Miss Pinkhouse, come in here please.”

The door to the boardroom opened and Melicia Pinkhouse, Administrative Assistant to The Big Cheese, Stanley Lloyd 3, came into the room.

“Yes, sir,” Mel came back with.

“Take K. K. with you to the Banana Republic, get him some duds, and go with him to Zwackystan. You have to find The Bozo.”

“But, sir…” she said.

“And get going today. I want to see El Boz by the end of the week. We need him to save The Network. And possibly the whole world.”

“But, sir…” she said again.

“Don’t ‘but, Sir’ me. After all, I am the Commander-in-Chief of this here Network. And what I say goes.”

“But, sir…. she said again some more.

“Look, Britannia rules the waves. So salute the flag and get the hell to Zwacky before you loose your corporate head to someone who is the adventuresome type.”

“But I’m no Morton Stanley,” K. K. said.

“Neither am I,” The Third came back with. “That was my great-great-grandpappy.”

“But, sir…” Miss Pinkhouse interrupted.

“Look, Pinky…” The Third said.

And before you can count one-two-three, she jumped in with, “The Bozo is in my office, sir.”

The Third breathed a sigh of relief.

Three weeks later, The Bozo was the new Anchorman. The Third finally sold the network to TNP, which stands for Take-No-Prisoners, for an undisclosed few billion bucks. Then he retired and went to live on his ranch in Hawaii, called the Big Pineapple. He moved with his actress wife, Playne Rhonda, who had won three Academy Awards for portraying actresses in distress. In her youth, she had protested the War in Grenada, then converted and become a Born-Again Born-Againer. She also had a new line of pregnant wear called Pregs for Pregs, and had a new series of highly successful exercise videos called “Out of body, out of mind.”

Stan and Playne lived happily ever after. That is, until The Third was asked to take over TNP and make it as successful as GNN had been. And he did that too. After he got his divorce.

The Aliens are coming

There haven’t been this many Alien Genre movies and TV shows since the 1950s. And I’m not talking illegal aliens either. Although you could say that all the aliens in this media are here illegally. If it was up to Stephen Hawking he would bundle these folks up and send them back to where they belong “billions and billions” of light years away.

He has stated that if extraterrestrials ever make it to earth, it will be a bad thing. He has looked at human history and seen that almost always the advanced civilization wipes out the indigenous folks. When it comes to these kinds of aliens, we’re the indigenous. So Hawking would have us shut off SETI and other programs of this ilk and try to develop something which will make us unlikely to be seen by the far-faraway people. Because they will “not come in peace.”

A recent forage into this genre was the terrible “I Am Number Four”. But this genre seems to have been dropping from the sky regularly since “Independence Day”. There were alien genre movies and television shows before that but nothing like what’s come lately. It’s enough to give the zombies heart burn.

We’ve gotten “V”, “The Event”, “Invasion”, “Falling Skies”, “Stargate”, which started off as a movie and all its offshoots, “Third Rock from the Sun”, “Roswell”, “The X-Files” (and the two movies based on the show),”Taken”, “First Wave”, “Lilo and Stitch: The Television Series”, “Dark Skies”, “Invasion America”. Pretty soon we might even get a show called “Baked”.

And when it comes to movies, here’s just a sample. a bunch of “Transformers” (the aliens this time are big-assed trucks), “District 9”, “Men In Black” 1 and 2 and 3, “Signs”, “Battle Los Angeles”, “Cowboys and Aliens”, “Super 8”, “The Arrival”, “Alien Vs Predator”, “Mars Attacks” (boy, are the aliens gonna be mad about that one), the remakes of “War of the Worlds” and “The Day the Earth Stood Still”, “Prometheus”, “The Darkest Hour”. And that’s just a few.

It does make you wonder. Are we being prepared for something? Maybe lunch or a midnight snack. ‘Cause I can’t see any other reasons why somebody would come billions and billions and billions of miles to this dinky little place in the middle of nowhere. Certainly not to glow in our wisdom. It does make me wonder if Hollywood has been taken over by extraterrestrials and we’re about to become somebody’s afterschool snack. Hey, that would make a good movie or TV show.

All I know is that it’s enough to make me wanna say “Nanu-nanu”.

What about them zombies?

What is it with zombies these days? Why are they so popular? I mean there are all these movies, TV series and books about zombies. I always thought the term “Walking Dead” was a contradiction but I guess I was wrong. Even Brad Pitt has gotten on the bandwagon. Jane Austen, of all people, came out with a new zombie book not too long ago and she’s been dead for almost two hundred years. There is even talk of a new TV series called “The Zombyes”. It will be modeled after the sixties series, “The Munsters”. Should be popular with the walking dead crowd.

We sure don’t want to date or hang out with one. I can understand vampires. They’re very sexy. With those big teeth and all. And they do sparkle. Makes me think of fireworks. Who doesn’t want fireworks in their romantic relationships? But zombies, yuck. Have you ever had to clean up after one? All that dead skin hanging out in your living room. Unlike vampires, they just can’t dance. And you do know that they are really dead cannibals, don’t you?

Course we’ve always had zombies among us but not that many. The Census Bureau reports that there were fewer than five hundred living in the United States until the mid-eighties. Most were employed by the Post Office in its Dead Letter Office. They were good citizens, paid their taxes and showed up on time for work. They even did charity work in their spare time, keeping the cemeteries spick and span. Since they were not a part of the entrepreneurial class, they tended to vote Democrat. Handed Kennedy that landslide in 1960.

Then sometime in the eighties, plastic surgeons reported an increase in “dead lip” syndrome. Women kept dropping lips after only one good night kiss. Plastic surgeons being plastic surgeons and operating on the frontiers of modern medical technology finally came up with a solution. Like all good answers, the answer had been right in front of their faces all the time but it took a medical emergency for them to see it. It was called botox. And who got the blame for this “dead lip”? You guessed it. Zombies.

But it was true. Seems zombies were popping out all over the place. An increase in zombie homelessness. An increase in zombies on the unemployment rolls. Wall Street even had a share. Several showed up on CNBC as analysts.

Why the increase? Some blame it on Reagan and trees polluting the environment. Others blame it on Roswell. Personally I vote for global warming. As the world gets hotter, zombies tend to become fertile and multiply. Haven’t you noticed zombies humming “It’s a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight” in the movies lately? It first cropped up in George Romero’s “Night of the Living Dead”.

All I know is that we are coming into contact with them daily and we just don’t recognize them for who they are. Think about it. Has your boss said to you lately, “Don’t bite my head off”? Or has your latest date called you Honey or Sugar? Or commented, “I could just eat you up”? Have you had a friend say, “Let’s butter him up”? Or has a neighbor invited you over to chew the fat or for some potluck? Maybe you are the potluck. Just be aware. It doesn’t hurt to be cautious. You may be having a close encounter of the zombie kind.

So what are we going to do? Let’s bring back the vampires. They’ll take care of the zombies. You ever see a vampire and a zombie in the same book or movie? Not me. Given a choice I will take a vampire over a zombie any day. Or should I say night. At least, I can get rid of a vampire with some sunlight, a piece of garlic and a cross if I like. And when a vampire bites, they are only taking some of my blood. I will get immortality in return just for the price of a pint. Seems like a fair deal to me. With a zombie, they’ll take off my whole face and still want more. And it’s gonna hurt. They are not going to use anesthesia the way vampires use Novocaine.

To bad Abe Lincoln chased the vampires back to Europe. We sure could use a Vlad or Lestat, Sonja or Selene right about now. We may need all the help we can get. I hear we have a Zombiepocalypse coming our way.