Of course, Uncle Bardie is going To Jeopardy. He watches it religiously. He doesn’t want to miss out on all those delicious answers. Answers like: His right hand. The question: Which hand did King Kong hold Fay Wray in?” Answers like: Minnesota. The question: What word means “small Coca Cola”? The Answer: When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court. Question: When was the first tennis game in the Bible?
UB loves it so much he has decorated his house in Jeopardy Modern. Each room in his house is named and designed with something on Jeopardy in mind. There’s the Alex Trebek Breakfast Nook. There is a Single Jeopardy Room, a Double Jeopardy Room and a Final Jeopardy Room. Each of them are bedrooms. And, of course, the living room is called the Green Room and decorated with fake Emmys, representing the Emmys Jep has won over the years.
UB has a shrine for Ken Jennings. “Saint Ken,” he calls him. He even has a door bell that rings with Johnny Gilbert saying, “This is Jeopardy.” His telephone answering has Don Pardo, saying, “Uncle Bardie is not available currently. He is busy answering Final Jeopardy.” Any visitor that comes to see UB must take the Jeopardy quiz. If they fail, they don’t qualify to see Uncle Bardie.
March 30 is a holiday at Uncle Bardie’s. It was on that day in 1964 that Jeopardy first aired. UB celebrates by bingeing on Jeopardy reruns. Each time he guesses an answer he has to ring in with the Jeopardy buzzer. Over the years, UB has developed a very smooth thumb.
Every morning he wakes up and has breakfast. He has an oats and honey nature bar and a donut for breakfast. Alex has an oats and honey nature bar and a donut for breakfast. Uncle Bardie used to drink a Diet Pepsi and eat a Snicker because that was on Alex’s menu. Since Alex changed, Uncle Bardie has changed his diet. UB eats them under his musk ox painting. The musk ox is AT’s favorite animal. UB does the crossword puzzle while he is eating. Alex does crossword puzzles. UB still wears his ‘stache in honor of the days when Alex wore his.
Because Alex likes his booze, UB drinks during his viewing of each Jeopardy session. A glass of Scotch always clears his head. It never fails that he gets all the questions right. Since Alex’s first name is George, UB changed his first name to George instead of Alexander.
Since AT is from Canada, UB is going to move to Canada after he retires. UB has a giant map of the world. He has pinned every place on earth mentioned in a Jeopardy question. He will travel to each place when he retires. It’s on his bucket list.
Uncle Bardie will never, ever be on Jeopardy. He is not into selfies. And, in case you were wondering, “arachibutyrophobia” is a medical term meaning “the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.”