Near 500 Words: To Jeopardy or Not to Jeopardy

Of course, Uncle Bardie is going To Jeopardy. He watches it religiously. He doesn’t want to miss out on all those delicious answers. Answers like: His right hand. The question: Which hand did King Kong hold Fay Wray in?” Answers like: Minnesota. The question: What word means “small Coca Cola”? The Answer: When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court. Question: When was the first tennis game in the Bible?

UB loves it so much he has decorated his house in Jeopardy Modern. Each room in his house is named and designed with something on Jeopardy in mind. There’s the Alex Trebek Breakfast Nook. There is a Single Jeopardy Room, a Double Jeopardy Room and a Final Jeopardy Room. Each of them are bedrooms. And, of course, the living room is called the Green  Room and decorated with fake Emmys, representing the Emmys Jep has won over the years.

UB has a shrine for Ken Jennings. “Saint Ken,” he calls him. He even has a door bell that rings with Johnny Gilbert saying, “This is Jeopardy.” His telephone answering has Don Pardo, saying, “Uncle Bardie is not available currently. He is busy answering Final Jeopardy.” Any visitor that comes to see UB must take the Jeopardy quiz. If they fail, they don’t qualify to see Uncle Bardie.

March 30 is a holiday at Uncle Bardie’s. It was on that day in 1964 that Jeopardy first aired. UB celebrates by bingeing on Jeopardy reruns. Each time he guesses an answer he has to ring in with the Jeopardy buzzer. Over the years, UB has developed a very smooth thumb.

Every morning he wakes up and has breakfast. He has an oats and honey nature bar and a donut for breakfast. Alex has an oats and honey nature bar and a donut for breakfast. Uncle Bardie used to drink a Diet Pepsi and eat a Snicker because that was on Alex’s menu. Since Alex changed, Uncle Bardie has changed his diet.  UB eats them under his musk ox painting. The musk ox is AT’s favorite animal. UB does the crossword puzzle while he is eating. Alex does crossword puzzles. UB still wears his ‘stache in honor of the days when Alex wore his.

Because Alex likes his booze, UB drinks during his viewing of each Jeopardy session. A glass of Scotch always clears his head. It never fails that he gets all the questions right. Since Alex’s first name is George, UB changed his first name to George instead of Alexander.

Since AT is from Canada, UB is going to move to Canada after he retires. UB has a giant map of the world. He has pinned every place on earth mentioned in a Jeopardy question. He will travel to each place when he retires. It’s on his bucket list.

Uncle Bardie will never, ever be on Jeopardy. He is not into selfies. And, in case you were wondering, “arachibutyrophobia” is a medical term meaning “the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.”





Ads I would love to see on TV

Ad #1. Jeff is sitting in his kitchen, eating a bowl of cereal. He picks up the bowl and walks to the front door. Opens the front door, looks out. The birds are singing. The grass is green. The cocker spaniel lies on the front porch, dreaming his doggie dream. Jeff looks at his brand new car. It is a beautiful work of art. Then he sees his neighbor get in his car. The driver’s door falls off his neighbor’s Chevy. Jeff smiles, then calls out, “Hey, Bart. Doors don’t fall off my new Puchie.”

Ad #2. “Need a new car. It’s on your bucket list. Why not come on down and make that final deal a hearse? We have them in seven gorgeous colors: red, yellow, blue, orange, pink, turquoise, and, of course, our most popular color, your basic black tie. If you want to go in style, this is the way to go.”

Ad #3. “Come on over to Brady’s Super Sports Store to get all your football supplies. Down here at Brady’s, we really know how to deflate a football.”

Drew Carey’s in Cleveland

A pickin’ and a grinnin’ lyric
Drew Carey’s in Cleveland
With a big mug of beer.
He’s on t.v.
Coming in clear.

With a smile on his face
At the Drew Carey place
Drew’s telling his jokes
For all kind of folks.
He’s getting his yucks
With his oh aw shucks.
Drew Carey’s in Cleveland
Drinking his beer.

Mimi’s on the prowl
With her clownish scowl
At Winfred-Lauder.
Drew takes a powder
Away from his cube
To avoid their feud.
Drew Carey’s in Cleveland
Drinking his beer.

With Oswald and Lewis
And Kate, they’re the truest
Of friends in a bar
Where the keg is a star
And guzzling it down
Is the Talk of the Town.
Drew Carey’s in Cleveland
Drinking his beer.

Then Mimi bursts in
To the bar with a grin
And throws a big pie
Letting it fly
To splatter Drew’s face
In his drinking place.
Drew Carey’s in Cleveland
Drinking his beer.

Now Kate really pissed.
She puts up her fists.
“You’re ’bout to go down,
You sad little clown,”
Kate says with a frown.
Beats Mimi to the ground.
Drew Carey’s in Cleveland
Drinking his beer.

Now Mimi got wise
After that night’s demise.
She left Drew alone
Till Kate went and gone.
Then Mimi is back
Gives Drew such a whack.
Drew Carey’s in Cleveland
Drinking his beer.

Drew Carey’s in Cleveland
With a big mug of beer.
He’s on t.v.
Coming in clear.

Hire the Bozo

On the occasion of the fifteenth anniversary of the Global News Network, Stanley Lloyd Spenser III, third generation owner and CEO of GNN, sat at the head of the solid mahogany table in the corporate boardroom. He fumbled for the right words to say, words he knew would change the direction of the network, broadcast journalism, and most likely, the entire world.

“Hire The Bozo,” he said to his underling Kirk Kirfartagain, sitting across the table from him.

“But, sir, The Bozo hasn’t been seen for six months. The last he was seen was in Zwackystan.”

“You’re going to have to dun your duds, dude, and go find him.”

“But, sir, I’m allergic to traveling.”

His boss, The Third, picked up the phone next to him and buzzed his Administrative Assistant. “Miss Pinkhouse, come in here please.”

The door to the boardroom opened and Melicia Pinkhouse, Administrative Assistant to The Big Cheese, Stanley Lloyd 3, came into the room.

“Yes, sir,” Mel came back with.

“Take K. K. with you to the Banana Republic, get him some duds, and go with him to Zwackystan. You have to find The Bozo.”

“But, sir…” she said.

“And get going today. I want to see El Boz by the end of the week. We need him to save The Network. And possibly the whole world.”

“But, sir…” she said again.

“Don’t ‘but, Sir’ me. After all, I am the Commander-in-Chief of this here Network. And what I say goes.”

“But, sir…. she said again some more.

“Look, Britannia rules the waves. So salute the flag and get the hell to Zwacky before you loose your corporate head to someone who is the adventuresome type.”

“But I’m no Morton Stanley,” K. K. said.

“Neither am I,” The Third came back with. “That was my great-great-grandpappy.”

“But, sir…” Miss Pinkhouse interrupted.

“Look, Pinky…” The Third said.

And before you can count one-two-three, she jumped in with, “The Bozo is in my office, sir.”

The Third breathed a sigh of relief.

Three weeks later, The Bozo was the new Anchorman. The Third finally sold the network to TNP, which stands for Take-No-Prisoners, for an undisclosed few billion bucks. Then he retired and went to live on his ranch in Hawaii, called the Big Pineapple. He moved with his actress wife, Playne Rhonda, who had won three Academy Awards for portraying actresses in distress. In her youth, she had protested the War in Grenada, then converted and become a Born-Again Born-Againer. She also had a new line of pregnant wear called Pregs for Pregs, and had a new series of highly successful exercise videos called “Out of body, out of mind.”

Stan and Playne lived happily ever after. That is, until The Third was asked to take over TNP and make it as successful as GNN had been. And he did that too. After he got his divorce.

The Aliens are coming

There haven’t been this many Alien Genre movies and TV shows since the 1950s. And I’m not talking illegal aliens either. Although you could say that all the aliens in this media are here illegally. If it was up to Stephen Hawking he would bundle these folks up and send them back to where they belong “billions and billions” of light years away.

He has stated that if extraterrestrials ever make it to earth, it will be a bad thing. He has looked at human history and seen that almost always the advanced civilization wipes out the indigenous folks. When it comes to these kinds of aliens, we’re the indigenous. So Hawking would have us shut off SETI and other programs of this ilk and try to develop something which will make us unlikely to be seen by the far-faraway people. Because they will “not come in peace.”

A recent forage into this genre was the terrible “I Am Number Four”. But this genre seems to have been dropping from the sky regularly since “Independence Day”. There were alien genre movies and television shows before that but nothing like what’s come lately. It’s enough to give the zombies heart burn.

We’ve gotten “V”, “The Event”, “Invasion”, “Falling Skies”, “Stargate”, which started off as a movie and all its offshoots, “Third Rock from the Sun”, “Roswell”, “The X-Files” (and the two movies based on the show),”Taken”, “First Wave”, “Lilo and Stitch: The Television Series”, “Dark Skies”, “Invasion America”. Pretty soon we might even get a show called “Baked”.

And when it comes to movies, here’s just a sample. a bunch of “Transformers” (the aliens this time are big-assed trucks), “District 9”, “Men In Black” 1 and 2 and 3, “Signs”, “Battle Los Angeles”, “Cowboys and Aliens”, “Super 8”, “The Arrival”, “Alien Vs Predator”, “Mars Attacks” (boy, are the aliens gonna be mad about that one), the remakes of “War of the Worlds” and “The Day the Earth Stood Still”, “Prometheus”, “The Darkest Hour”. And that’s just a few.

It does make you wonder. Are we being prepared for something? Maybe lunch or a midnight snack. ‘Cause I can’t see any other reasons why somebody would come billions and billions and billions of miles to this dinky little place in the middle of nowhere. Certainly not to glow in our wisdom. It does make me wonder if Hollywood has been taken over by extraterrestrials and we’re about to become somebody’s afterschool snack. Hey, that would make a good movie or TV show.

All I know is that it’s enough to make me wanna say “Nanu-nanu”.