This here post is addressed to my female readership. Since I am a male myself, I am an expert in male psychology. I have advanced degrees to prove it. When I say, advanced degrees I don’t mean ph.ds. And I am not talking senility either though there are those who would state otherwise. I mean I do get, “I don’t know how your mind works.” Modern science has no answer to that one. I’ve been studied by the best. To state the obvious, I am a long time card carrying member of the male persuasion. So I think that qualifies me as an expert.
If I were writing a rule book on the male persuasion, there would be some items on the list I’d like to cover.
1.Males like to fix things. The bathroom sink. The car parked in the driveway. We may not be good at it but we will always give it the old college try. We especially love to fix our lady love’s problems. The moment our beloved says she is having some challenges with work, we’ve already stopped listening. We’re taking a mental looksee at “The Art of War” to see which strategy fits the situation.
2.When it comes to sports, there isn’t a sport males don’t love. ESPN puts a tiddly-winks championship game on and we’re there in front of the tv, rooting. You ought to know how true this is by the number of us who watch golf.
3.Males will do anything to help our team win. Wear dirty undies for six months. Stand on our head. Anything.
4.Males believe we were given an internal gps when we were born. It may not be true but there is no way we males will be dissuaded from this believe. This obsession with direction is written into our dna.
5.If your male pet says “Huh”, it is not because he isn’t listening. It’s that he is listening a little too much. We need an interpreter for female-speak. So we are praying desperately to the great god Huh to interpret for us or unconfuse us.
6.When you ask your male, “What are you thinking” and he responds, “Nothing,” believe him. He isn’t thinking about something someone said this morning. He Isn’t thinking about the thing you just said. He isn’t even thinking about Donald Trump. He is not thinking anything. Once upon a time there were questions about this comeback. Then the NIH and the CDC saw this as a challenge. To find out the truth. They got together and funded a study conducted by over a hundred academic institutions. It was such a massive study thousands of men were experimented upon. The experimentalogists poked and cajoled and massaged, they isolated and scanned and questioned. Finally they had their answer. There was nothing there inside the male brain to make any investigator believe the male was thinking anything but nothing most of the time.
7.Modern science, after years and years of speculation, has discerned that the male brain is not evolving. Rather, it is devolving.
8.Never, ever try to persuade a man that he doesn’t know what he is talking about. Of course, he doesn’t know. And he knows that he doesn’t know. But he will never admit it. It is a point of pride.
I hope this has clarified questions some of you have been asking for years. Memorize these seven rules on male behavior and live by them and your relationship with your male pet will run smooth.
“Eight rules,” you say. “Not seven.” Now there you go, correcting a male. Don’t you know we males don’t take correcting very well? While I wait for you to apologize, I do believe I will go into my corner and do some pouting.