A new household product

Here at Uncle Bardie Labs we are thinking of the American consumer and their needs. We’ve scratched our heads and butted those heads against the wall day after day for years. We wanted to come up with a new product that would benefit Mr. and Mrs. America and the little Kiddie Americas. We searched and searched our warehouses. We searched and searched our offices. We searched and searched our filing cabinets. Finally, and I do mean finally, behind those just named cabinets, we found the plans for the perfect consumer product. One that revolutionizes the American home in the one place in need of a revolution.

We dusted off those plans. Believe me there was a lot of dust to shake off. It took us days. We cleaned them up and started to work. Now Uncle Bardie Labs is proud to announce its latest appliance in a long line of great appliances. This appliance lives up to our motto: “We’re not Schears. We not Wallymart. We’re Uncle Bardie’s.”

I’m sure you will agree when you see our brand spanking new sanitation feature. It’s the U B L 1, better known as Uncle Bardie Labs Flusher. This toilet will do everything you expect from a toilet and more.

1.For the first time in human history, this toilet recognizes if you are male or female. The ladies are just going to love this. The toilet seat automatically closes for your time on the throne. For the gentlemen, it raises when said gentlemen stand before the commode, ready for a number one deposit. As you can see, this would cut the divorce rates in half.

2.The Flusher has its own gps. When our customers wake up in the middle of the night, they don’t have to wonder where the bathroom went. Push a button and there will be a soft beep coming from the Flusher to provide a truly open trail to relief.

3.You’ve heard the saying, “Your poop stinks in that old peculiar way.” True relief has come. No longer will your poop stink. The Flusher has a spray which kills the stinko bacteria that stinks up everybody’s poop. Now you will be able to say with a straight face, “My poop don’t stink.”

4.The proud owner of a Flusher never has to worry about pushing that handle again. The Flusher does its own flushing. All the owner has to do is their thing. All the rest is done by this amazing product.

5.When the Flusher flushes, music will rise from it. The owner will have their choice of the music they want. EDM for the dancer. Rap for the “with it”. Rock for the hippie. Country for the down-homer. Classical for the elitist. Blues for the dateless and desperate. Jazz for the cool cat.

6.Another great unique feature is Wizzer. Wizzer? you ask. Wizzer is the Siri for the Flusher. You can easily program it for one of a variety of unique voices: the British butler, the French maid, the Russian Cossack, the Italian romeo and the good old American y’all. While sitting, you can ask Wizzer for the daily news, for the local sales or just some chit-chat. And you will be glad when your teenager comes to you and says, “Wizzer just called me potty mouth. Make her quit.” Your response, of course, will be, “Don’t you know that Wizzer is a lady.”

7.On top of all these great benefits, here’s the topper. The Flusher is self-cleaning. It’s unique system using air pressure to do the work for the customer.

So be the first in your neighborhood to get a Flusher. It’s only $39.95 for 5000 payments. If you order within the next fifteen minutes you get an extra value product absolutely free. A roll of Uncle Bardie’s Toilet Tissue. With it, a little dab’ll do you. Just think you don’t have to use a whole roll. That’s good for the environment. And its soft gentleness is good for the asterisk. Unlike other tissue products that should be renamed sandpaper.

We think you will agree with us here at Uncle Bardie Labs that you will want to go for the gusto. You will want to invite all your neighbors in to show off this latest in bathroom facilities.

This is such a revolutionary product Steven Spielberg is making the first commercial for the Flusher. John Williams is composing a special tune. It is called “Poop Poop Fizz Fizz. Oh, what a relief it is.” That’s how special it is.

You are not going to find the Flusher in any store. It’s a one-time only offer. Just call 1-800-Unc-leby. If you aren’t completely satisfied within thirty seconds of receiving the latest in twenty-first century technology, you can return it for a complete refund. But we think that’s not going to happen. Especially after you get a visit from one of our Men in Black.

Spandex

I know those fashion designers are crazy. But spandex shoes? I got to tell you I ain’t wearing spandex shoes on my feet. No matter what my wife says.

First off, you have to understand, spandex makes me itch. It’s worse than poison ivy. And I know how poison ivy itches. I sat down on some once. It was worse than that one time I had cactus needles in my butt.

On top of that, I had to sleep on my tummy. In all my life, I have never been able to sleep on my tummy. It always gives me the tummy ache. And diarrhea. Not only did I have an itchy butt, it was runny too. That’s called killing two birds with one stone and that’s the results of having poison ivy in my sitting place.

With all that Spandex foot itching, how am I going to walk? Last time my feet itched that bad, they had to cut off my right big toe. So now I’m going to be walking around with no right big toe and my feet itching up the wazoo. A cop stops me and gives me one of them straight-line-walking sobriety tests, I will never walk a straight line. On top of that, I’ve got one hell of a lisp. That cop’ll arrest me for sure, thinking I am driving drunk.

What’s a fella to do? My wife usually isn’t unreasonable and I do love her so. Guess when she says I wear spandex shoes, I wear spandex shoes. Even if it costs me my other big toe. After all, I had to give her daddy my right eye. You know, the good one. ‘Fore he decided I could marry his pride and joy.

Well, one thing’s for sure. No matter what that Ralph Lauren says, I am not wearing pink spandex shoes. It would be as embarrassing as that kid in the bunny suit in “The Christmas Story”.

So you want to be a comedian

There’s comedy, and there’s comedy, and then there’s more comedy. As they say in the comedy business, one man’s floor is another man’s ceiling. Here’s four approaches you might want to consider:

Telling It Like It Is

Sports

Folk Songs

Animals

Language

Alfred Hitchcock, Comedian

Happy 2023, y’all. I would like to introduce Alfred Hitchcock as a master of humor. Enjoy.

Hitchcock, Introduction

Hitchcock, the Practical Joker

Hitchcock, the Punster

Dead Bodies

Visual Humor

Alan Rickman Reigns

It’s been a while since Alan Rickman left us. I miss him and all the wonderful movies he would have done. So much so that I have a new word for you to add to your vocabulary. It is alan-rickman-esque. It means: it’s not what he said, it’s how he delivered the words. Who else could deliver the line: “Call off Christmas” as Alan Rickman did in “Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves” and get away with it? Who else could play Marvin the Robot in “A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”?

I first came to appreciate Alan Rickman’s alan-rickman-esque charm when he played Professor Snape in the Harry Potters. I liked Mr. Rickman so much I started rooting for Snape. Just the way he said “Harry Potter” would have me in stitches. Not even Tim Curry could do that, and Tim Curry does have a certain alan-rickman-esque quality about him.

When I am having a really bad day, I ask the universe, “Where’s Alan Rickman when I need him?” So you can imagine my delight when I discovered the movie “Bottle Shock”. It could have been a dark and stormy night, and I would have watched it. I could have been the best of times or the worst of times, and I would have watched it. You could just call me Ishmael, and I still would have watched it. The genius, the greatest English actor of his time without an Academy Award, was in this movie.

On top of that, it’s about wine. California wine, that is. When was the last time you saw a movie about wine? They don’t make movies about wine, now do they? I did a google search and didn’t find many.There’s Eric Rohmer’s “Autumn Tale (which is unavailable in the U.S.), “Sideways” (nominated for an Oscar for Best Picture), “The Secret of Santa Vittoria” with Anthony Quinn playing an Italian and “Year of the Comet” with the wonderful Penelope Ann Miller. There are a couple of horror films and three with big stars, but not recommendable. Most are documentaries. Only goes to show you how hard it is to make a good movie about wine. “Bottle Shock” is a good movie about wine. Napa wines, to be exact.

There’s three things that are for sure. Forty-two is the answer. It’s a long way to temporary. And, if you are looking for an alan-rickman-esque performance, Alan Rickman is your man. In “Bottle Shock”, he is exerting that alan-rickman-esque-ness of an answer to this question, “Why don’t I like you?”: “You think I’m an asshole. And I’m not really. I’m just British…and well, you’re not.”

By the way, according to Dr. Vinny of the Wine Spectator, “‘Bottle shock’ or ‘bottle sickness’ are terms used to describe a temporary condition in a wine where its flavors are muted or disjointed. There are two main scenarios when bottle shock sets in: either right after bottling, or when wines (especially fragile older wines) are shaken in travel.”

So pour yourself a glass of chardonnay and slice yourself some cheese. Then sit yourself down and have an enjoyable good time watching the very original alan-rickman-esque actor, Alan Rickman, in “Bottle Shock”. There’s a lot worse ways to spend an evening.