My Santa Claus Kit

So now it’s Christmas Eve I must admit
It’s time to pull out my old Santa Claus Kit
Done it a thousand times, still it’s a hit
It must be done for it’s in the holy writ
First the bourbon to get delightfully lit
Then I stumble on down to the basement
And search under all the whatchamacallits
Till I am completely at the end of my wits.
After lots and lots of starts and fits
I am not about to call it quits
Till up it pops from where it sits
My one and only Santa Claus Kit.
My red suit is in it, so are my white mits
To keep my hands warm for the night’s trip
My boots black as coal and other condiments
Even some meds for my one true zit.
The night is ready, a sleigh to equip
Up on the roof I make for it
In my sweater Mrs. Claus did knit
It’s so snug it’s a just right fit
On the third floor I stop to try and get
The eight reindeer from where they sit
They care about Christmas not one whit
They want a raise or they say that’s about it.
Even Rudolph, he’s such a snit
He has a red nose, he thinks he’s really It
I go to pull them after me till I get bit
“Ouch,” I cry, then, “I’m ’bout out of my wits.”
“We’ll not go with you,” the reindeer spit
I’m ‘bout to sober up, I need another hit
Of the bourbon so I can get some grit.
I take a swig and it does the trick
I throw my rope ‘round the reindeer neck
Before they know what happened lickety split
They’re ready to have a go at it
Up on the roof. To the sleigh they’re hitched
Then it’s over to the elf’s closet
Where I grab my bag and I toss it
Into the sleigh it makes something of a dent
Then I jump into the seat and sit
I raise the reins and ready for the ascent
One last shot of bourbon and I am bent
For the heavens and the stars that are lit
To guide my ‘round the world event
The seat is hard in the place I have to sit
Tomorrow my behind will have one big dent
For there’s no cushion in my Santa Claus Kit
Next year I’ll ask Santa, a pillow I shall get.

Ho, Ho, Reindeer Go

I’m-a Santa Claus
And I put my paws
In big red mittens
Soft as a kitten
Driving my sleigh
The reindeer way
I ride through the air
To children everywhere

Ho ho Reindeer go
Ho ho Reindeer go

My reindeer fly
Through the night sky
From the North Pole I go
Flying high and low
Over hill and dale
I’m answering mail
Making wishes true
For the many and few

Ho ho Reindeer go
Ho ho Reindeer go

It’s Christmas Eve
And my sleigh does weave
Up and down
Through every town
Leaving my toys
Under trees for boys
And sweet little girls
With their smiles like pearls

Ho ho Reindeer go
Ho ho Reindeer go

Back home to the elves
I return to the shelves
All that I didn’t
Deliver when I’d ridden
So many a mile
Over land and isle
Now I get to rest
Cause I done my best

Ho ho Reindeer go
Ho ho Reindeer go

Furniture Love

I don’t want you
I don’t love you
You’re not the bean bag chair for me

I went to the store
Looking for decor

You sat in the corner
Like Little Jack Horner

Then I sat on your face
And loved your embrace

When I got back home
You sat all alone

The sofa didn’t like you
And your stand uppish blue

The chairs were staring
And they were a-glaring

Afraid I was pulling
Their legs, I was fooling

No need for their weeping
Them I’ll be a-keeping

There was no silver lining
Beanie’s hug was confining

So I went a-spurning
And it I was returning

That bean bag chair
Of yester year

I don’t want you
I don’t love you
You’re not the bean bag chair for me

Theme Song

If yours truly had a theme song, this would be it. It should be sung to the tune of Jimmy Dean’s “Big John.”

1.He was a heck of a man
With a slight slight tan
Six foot none
And his hair was gone.
He was Don, Big Don,
Big Tall Don.

2.He wore a hat
To the right it tipped
And dark glasses too
So he wouldn’t catch flu.
He was Don, Big Don,
Big Tall Don.

3.He was a library clerk
And he loved to work
He came in at noon
Sometimes a little too soon.
He was Don, Big Don,
Big Tall Don.

4.He arrived at work one Monday day
Everything was thrown every which-a-way
He looked from side to side and all around
There wasn’t a clerk anywhere to be found
He heard a noise from a way far-off
A still small voice with an obvious cough
He went to the cabinet sitting in front
He pulled out a drawer and began his hunt.
He was Don, Big Don, Big Tall Don.

5.The voice he’d heard it was down in there
Where it was he couldn’t be sure
He reached on in and pulled himself through
The hole in the drawer fit like a shoe
He followed that sound deep deep down
Through the caverns and caves he followed that sound
When after a heck of a whole lotta feet
He found himself just about to retreat.
He was Don, Big Don, Big Tall Don.

6.The hole got smaller but the sound grew louder
So on he plunged and the tunnel got tighter
While up above the librarians stood
And listened the best that they could
For the Yodeling Don and the lost clerks
Trapped deep down in the depths of the earth
He kept on moving and moving on he went
Creeping and crawling through every little vent.
He was Don, Big Don, Big Tall Don.

7.Until upon a group he finally came
All stuck under a pile of books and magazines
Well he digged and he dugged and he digged real fast
The air in that tunnel surely wouldn’t last
He pushed and he pulled and he got a clerk out
Sent her above as the librarians gave him a shout
There were ten, twenty, thirty clerks or more
And pulling them out was like mining for ore.
He was Don, Big Don, Big Tall Don.

8.But out they did come one by one
And the books they fell ton by ton
Barely missing clerk by clerk until
There was only one clerk left to kill
Then Don had saved them all
He’d come to the rescue and didn’t stall
But now he was caught in the head
Banged by a ten pound book about lead.
He was Don, Big Don, Big Tall Don.

9.First he was stunned and then knocked out
As he fell to the floor turning about
They came crashing upon him they fell
As the last rescued clerk crawled through the shell
Of an underground that was all blocked off
By all those books that had fallen rough
Upon the man they’d known as
Don, Big Don, Big Tall Don.

A Romantic Virtuality

Another pickin’ and grinnin’ lyric

I met you on WordPress
Oh, what a surprise that it was
I followed you on Twitter
Your tweets were oh so marvelous
I saw your selfie on Facebook
Joining Facebook became a must
Read your resume’ on Linked In
It gave me one heck of a crush

The font and pixel of you
The magenta, black, yellow and blue
Our virtual reality was cool
Our romance unbelievably true

It’s hard to know what love may be
I can’t tell, though I’ve made the rounds
I saw your photographs on Flickr
Before you moved on to Instagram
It was such a beautiful face
Always smiling, never a frown
Your voice was so incredible
Your podcasts a magical sound

I tried till I got up the nerve
To ask for a date, you said yes
Soon we were a steady pair
Asked for your hand, hoped for the best
Amazon and me were married
Our true love had stood the test
Now we’ve got a bundle of kids
Fire and Kindle and all the rest