Halloween Brew

Happy All Hallows’ Eve to you and yours.

‘Tis a dark and stormy night

The vampires are out for a bite

And the ghosties on the prowl

Something out there’s smelling foul

While down in Zombie Town

There’s the howl of a devil hound

And deep in Castle Vlad

Frank ‘N’ Stein are in their lab

Mixing up their ghoulish stew

Stirring up that Halloween Brew.

On Transylvania Street

There’s a lot of trick or treat

As the jack ‘o lantern choir

In their Halloween attire

Walk the walking dead dance

Skeletons doing their scary prance.

The headless horseman rides

With his head held at his side

In the Grand All Hallow’s

Eve Parade and Spooktastic Show.

Under a full witching moon

Midnight’ll be here soon

Then at “The Pit and Pendulum”

They’ll gather with their ghastly grins

For the Ushers will be there.

A cask of Amontillado they’ll share.

They’ll spill their tell-tale hearts

Spinning tales of the darker arts

And the time of the Halloween Brew

When they drank F ‘N’ S’s stew.

Another year rolls around

And the dead sleep safe and sound.

Then October shall arrive

When the dead come alive

For another show and tell

Under autumn’s darkest spell

When the goblins take to the air

For the Great Halloween Affair

And more of that Good Stew,

A tall hot mug of Halloween Brew.

A Boxing Day Satirical Christmas Carol

Happy St. Stephen’s Day and Boxing Day to all you celebrants out there.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentle Girls

God rest ye merry gentle girls,
Let nothing you dismay,
Jesus wasn’t born on Christmas,
He was born Thanksgiving Day.
There were no sheep or sheperds,
Only turkeys came to pray.
Oh sure, there were the wise men,
At Massachusetts Bay.

The Pilgrims came by a ship,
Mayflower was its name,
Least that’s what we’ve been told
By those in history’s game.
Pilgrims came with Columbus,
So he could have his day,
And we could have a Thanksgiving
The good, old American way.

Ben Franklin scared the zombies,
Told them to fly a kite.
Abe Lincoln killed the vampires
“Fore they could go out and bite.
A blue-eyed, blonde-haired Jesus,
He’s really the god for us.
If you don’t accept our Jesus,
We’ll kick you off the bus.

Uncle Bardie’s Coming to Town

It was the night before Christmas.
All through the house there wasn’t a sound.
Even the baby was not peeping a peep.
For Uncle Bardie was coming to town.
He sped up to the front of the house
In his red fifty-seven Cadillac.
He gave out a shout the size of a roar.
We were under an Uncle Bardie attack.
“I have an offer you cannot refuse.
If you don’t let Uncle Bardie come in,
I’ll huff and puff and blow your house down,”
He said, giving us all his devilish grin.
As we trembled in our booties, on he went,
“I know you were hoping for Santa.
He can’t make it on account of delays
In Chicago, Topeka and Atlanta.”
With that, he gave the front door a big blow.
In he stormed like a blizzard from the north.
To get out of his way, the family walked back
One step, two steps, three steps, and a fourth.
Dad in his pajamas, Mom in her robe,
I in my p.j.s with a cap on my noggin’
Glad Baby was upstairs to miss the horrors
Of Uncle Bardie through the house a-sloggin’.
He hurried over to the tree in the corner
Lit up for Christmas Christmasy and green,
Smashing gifts like Thor with his hammer
Ripping open stockings like the grinchiest fiend.
Mom was all upset and out of her mind
With Uncle Bardie’s grunts and his groans
Though she dared not move even a pinch.
As the house gave off its very deep moans.
Finally her courage rose up from her toes
When U B found the stuff he was going for.
She sprinted across the room ever so fast.
It was quite a sight to see Mom going to war.
She snatched Santa’s cookies out of his hands
Before he stuffed them into his very big mouth.
“No you don’t,” she said with a rage second to none.
Her foot gave him a smash in the very deep south.
As he rolled out of the house and onto the lawn,
She said in a voice that would make the devil shake,
“Those are Santa’s and you’d better leave them alone.”
Uncle Bardie had been hit with an earthquake
He would never forget in all the years to come.
“If that’s the way you feel, I’m gone like a light
There’ll be no gifts from your Uncle Bardie.
So merry Christmas and a very good night.”
Well, the earth it quivered and the snow did too
As he got back into his bright red Cadillac
And he flew off to other parts of the family
Soon to be under an Uncle Bardie attack.

Bald Man’s Blues

A pickin’ and a grinner

I was having a bad hair day
And for me that wasn’t easy
All my hair had gone away
And the rest was feeling breezy

It was a big bad thing
When my head went lean
It was a big bad dream
When my hair left the scene

Once a shaker and a mover
Now two strands for a leftover
My hair’s nothing but a loser
And not much for a combover

It was a big bad thing
When my head went lean
It was a big bad dream
When my hair left the scene

Bridge:
When I checked the mirror
My hair was a big, big zero

All my bats were in the belfry
And the top of my head was thin
Pulled down by Old Man Gravity
My hair took it on the chin.

It was a big bad thing
When my head went lean
It was a big bad dream
When my hair left the scene

The Neighborhood Lawn War

My neighbor one fine day slunk out of his cave,
Raised his finger and made it misbehave.
He went to his mower and gave it a start,
Then leveled his grass till it was a park.                                                                               “Show off,” I said, then headed to the store.                                                                         I’d not be outdone by the man next door.                                                                                 I returned home with some seed and some sod,                                                           Ready to take on that petty little god.                                                                                    I’d show that he was a neighborhood fraud,                                                                     That I wasn’t about to be overawed.                                                                                Soon I had the finest grass on the block.                                                                            No lawn could match it. I was a big shot,                                                                     Winner of the prize for the best yard in town.                                                                      My neighbor would not take this, lying down.                                                                Before I knew it, a nursery truck                                                                                     Drove up to his front door and came to a stop.                                                                      A man in uniform tumbled him out                                                                                        Of the driver’s cab and went ’round about                                                                           To the back of the truck to its very big butt.                                                                         He pushed and he pulled from out of its gut                                                                   Fauna so green I thought it was from Oz.                                                                        They made my breath take something of a pause,                                                         Then plants so exotic and some quite erotic.                                                                          I wanted to spring over for a summertime frolic.                                                                     But a determined me held me in check.                                                                                   I gritted my teeth. My nerves were a wreck.                                                                      Out on my back lawn I gathered my troops.                                                            Whatever the trouble, whatever the loops                                                                          We had to jump through to get back our pride                                                                   We were more than ready to make that ride,                                                                      Me, my wife, my kids, my dad and my mom.                                                                     We were about to kick some butt and then some.                                                              We tore up the lawn both front and the rear.                                                                    With a gusto, we grinned from ear to ear.                                                                          We readied for battle, we had a plan                                                                                   To show this neighbor he wasn’t The Man.                                                                         We were about to show he’d made a mistake.                                                                    We grabbed our shovels, our hoes and our rakes.                                                             Toward his yard we dug one heck of a trench                                                                     To send our destroyers up one very big ditch.                                                                      In it, we planted some kudzu, ivy and weeds,                                                                     And all the damage no yard ever needs.                                                                             We aimed our destroyers well for the run                                                                          And smiled as we fired our loaded gun,                                                                                A water hose shooting across the sun.                                                                              We fired and fired till our day was done.                                                                         Soon the neighborhood war was over                                                                                    A white flag rose from his field of clover.                                                                           That neighbor knew he was down for the count,                                                                    If he carried on, there’d be a big knock out.