Oscar Speeches I Would Like to Hear

I thought I would repost this in celebration of the Oscar ceremony Sunday night. It still applies. I hope you guys like it.

Uncle Bardie's Stories & Such

Last Sunday night was Oscar time. It began with the Red Carpet walk. We saw a lot of dresses that had parts of the dresses missing. I think those designers get paid for how much they leave out of the dresses. One commentator made a very incisive remark about one actress’ gown. “That dress looks like a doily.”

We saw a lot of speeches which went on way too long and said absolutely nothing. The usual. My favorite was the Best Presenter Award. I was really glad to see Jim Carey win that award.

Anyway here are some of the speeches I would have liked to have heard:

Best Picture Producer: Thank God. Now I can make my money back. I will never hire that director again. Everything he touches turns into manure.

Best Director: How would you like to be stuck on an island for two months with the…

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On Top of It #17: A Lesson in Humility and Tone

I read this and it brought home the difficult lives and choices college graduates are having to suffer through what with huge student debt. Today’s bachelor degree is what a high school diploma was when I was going to school. Without at least some college education or trade school, it isn’t possible to be hired in most fields these days.

The Drunken Odyssey

On Top of It #17 by Lisa Martens

A Lesson in Humility and Tone: Talia Jane

This weekend, the Internet caught fire with Talia Jane, a Yelp customer support representative who wrote a public, scathing letter to the CEO of her company and, of course, was fired soon after.

I agree with a higher minimum wage. I also agree that student debt cripples the dreams of many young Americans . . . such as myself. And so, I opened the link ready to read a letter written by an educated young woman, a fellow customer support rep, my peer, addressing these points.

What I read was a condescending rant that looked like a long drunk text I might send to the person labeled “Fuckboy” in my phone. Asking the CEO to pay her phone bill? Complaining that she couldn’t take the free food home? Bitching about the $20 copay to…

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Chester (A Dog With Issues) Endorses Donald Trump

This one is a big Wow. Uncle Bardie was on the floor, absolutely in histerics.

Almost Iowa

dogI arrived home to a pitiful scene. A panic stricken Scooter had taken refuge on the roof of his doghouse.

Below him, a furry tempest raged. 

It attacked his dog dish, instantly shredding it into a scattering of twisted metal shavings – then it peeled chunks of plywood off his house and reduced them to sawdust. Finally, as I watched in amazement, it ripped shingles from under Scooter’s paws as he danced madly about in despair.

I called my buddy Stan.

What did you toss into Scooter’s kennel?” I shouted into the phone.

Are we talking about Chester?”

Chester is Stan’t psychotic dog.

“Yes… why is he here?”

“Daphne and I are on vacation and you have DirectTV.”

It made perfect Stan-sense.

Chester may be profoundly disturbed but there is one thing that keeps him emotionally stable – subscription television.  Specifically, the dog loves the Home Shopping Network.

So to rescue Scooter, I rushed into the house and cranked…

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2 A.M.

If you love poetry as much as I do, then you have to read S. S. Hicks’ blog. With each poem she posts, she just gets better and better. Much of her poetry reminds me of some of my favorites, such as Gary Snyder and Elizabeth Bishop. This poem especially spoke to me. I really love how she brought the poem to closure. So enjoy…

S. S. Hicks


I want to shoot myself to sleep.
2am got a song on repeat.
Her voice dragging on gravel,
a boot off a pickup, plodding
crooked lines laced with whiskey and hay,
unturned engines buzzing my brain.

I watch clouds collide.
Lightning streaking sky.
Cocktail thoughts weaving in
a gentle swagger.
Until a fist punches through plaster.

No sense at all,
this late night call.
The fly over plane
looking down on eggshell lights,
wondering about their yolky lives.

A passenger on a train,
when I rode to the city at 6am,
dark pouring down graffiti streets,
bourbon over ice,
crackling and melting hours
a stir to greet

Women cloaked in terry robes,
shaking insomnia with barefoot toes,
yellin’ at their spouses:
2am, go to hell! You senseless maggot!
Crawling into wall cracks,
skittering around fences.

Familiar faces, places
stroll down fleshy lobes.
Roll tape.
Rewind time.
Keep me up to…

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Episode 160: Ciara Shuttleworth!

You just never know where Uncle Bardie will show up. His review of “Asimov’s Guide to Shakespeare” shares the stage with poet Ciara Shuttleworth, Thanks, John, for featuring moi in another of your great podcasts.

The Drunken Odyssey

Episode 160 of The Drunken Odyssey, your favorite podcast about creative writing and literature is available on iTunes, or right click here to download.

In this week’s episode, I talk to the poet Ciara Shuttleworth,

Photo by Drew Perlmutter. Photo by Drew Perlmutter.

plus Don Royster writes about how Isaac Asimov helped him to appreciate Shakespeare.

Don Royster


Camus NotebooksThe Great Shark HuntAsimovs Guide to ShakespeareNOTES

To read about Ciara’s post-residency road-tripping with Flat Jack, here is part 1 and part 2.

To read Thomas Jefferson’s original draft of The Declaration of Independence, go here.

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